I missed the light...

i am beginning to understand why some people go weeks without blogging. either you dont feel like it, or there is just something going on in your life that is just there. in the fore-front of your mind, and you cant think of anything else. no other thoughts can creep in or out, just this one.

and it haunts you.

it follows you.

it hurts you.

and you tend to forget. you forget to smile and say happy things to people. these thoughts make it impossible to concentrate, feel, and even get outside yourself. i hate that feeling. i do everything i can to shake it off- a shower, a walk around the block, going to work, thinking happy thoughts, wishing upon a star, eating good food- but it is still there.

waiting.

waiting to be thought about.

waiting to ruin your day.

and it does. and when it does you feel so defeated. you tried so hard not to let it in, to step away from it into the sunshine and breathe. but there is no getting rid of it unless you are honest and kind. you take it head on and realize it is bigger than you. bigger than you self-discipline- cause in the end, it is just you and your thoughts.

thats why God is so great. he gets it, he knows, and he wants it. he wants to share in your pain with you. he is the tissue, the best friend who always picks up the phone, the final tear from your puffy eyes, and the feeling of taking that big breath when you realize your going to be ok.

this is just a speed bump, something you need to be a little more careful of. you must take your time, be steady and patient, and when you pass it, you dont even notice.

but God does.

And i believe that he is happy. that he feels wonderful when we realize we will be ok. there will be a tomorrow. and if we are lucky enough to have that person with us forever, to go through it with, it will be even sweeter. two times the grace, and two times the love.

on my way to work this morning i am thinking. thinking so much i miss the light and people honk at me in the safety of their cars. and i cant concentrate so i miss the light. and i realize i missed the light and that the people behind me are angry and in a hurry, and i start to feel hot and embarrassed, but as i look to my right i see a church. now, i have seen this church 5 days a week, two times a day, and i have never noticed anything different.

but today was different. in my embarrassment and humility i see this sign in those cheap plastic letters on the side of the brick building. and it says something. something i needed to see. something i needed to feel:

"love always prevails"

my heart beats faster. my palms start to sweat. my brain swims in my head and i thank God for that. because he knows what we need. he uses cheap plastic letters to show us that he knows. and what better comfort is to hear someone say "i know, i totally understand"? so God understands, and he knows, and better yet, he shows us that he does.

however, it is only when love fails do we seem to notice. but when it prevails, it isnt always in the way we want it to. it's subtle, it's sincere, it's quiet, and it isnt always powerful. it comes right when we need it. it comes when you come home and the messy living room you have been living with for weeks is cleaned by your husband. it is when your dog finally "sits" without yelling at him or having a treat. it is when you say "this is my favorite christmas commercial" at the same time as your best friend. and i love that word: always.

not that it "sometimes" prevails or prevails when "your in a good mood". it does not prevail if you are better looking or smarter. it is not conditional, it is not a question, it is a statement. and it is true-

always.

and that was all i needed. God showing me his grace, and mercy, and kindness. and when you are in the middle of feeling awful, and someone shows you immense mercy and grace, you cant help but cry. hot powerful tears of joy and relief, and when i was done i took a long steady breath and walked into the sunshine feeling it warm my face. and today is a new day.

it is a good day.

and today, love will prevail.