25

a couple days ago nathan turned 25.

that may not seem like a big deal to most people, but for us, it's different.

nathan and i have dated since he was 16 and i was 14. sure, we had a few, how can i put this gently, awful relationships in between, and the joke amongst our friends is "how many times did you break up?" or if i am telling a story about us they say "now which time was this?". we havent spent ALL of those years together, but we have been in each others lives since then, in some way or another. i am so glad that i have known nathan since he was this cute teenager with blue bi-hawks and a thousand patches.

he is now a man.

a man that i have grown with, learned from, taught, worked with, served with, cried with, prayed with. we have experienced so much, it is breaks my heart to even think of what my life would be like if i married someone else.

as i write this he is doing the dishes from dinner, with huge headphones on, dancing around our kitchen acting like, well nathan.

in honor of nathans 25th birthday, i thought i would write 25 things about my man:

1. he's the most musically talented man i know, but he has no rhythm. like none at all.

2. he is covered with tattoos but i can still see all his freckles.

3. he always does the dishes after i cook.

4. he thinks i'm a good cook. (what a saint)

5. i LOVE the way he loves our dog, his heart gets bigger every day

6. he loves good steak, but mainly eats pasta or taco bell

7. he always orders the same thing at every place we go. always

8. the only exception to rule #7 is when we get donuts in the morning. the only exception.

9. he has the biggest heart i have ever known.

10. people just love him. i mean really love him; with good reason.

11. he is so respectful towards everyone

12. he giggles

13. he loves watermelon jellybeans and has me pick them out for him

14. he drinks about 3 cans of soda a day, it's actually really bad

15. he doesnt know any words to songs: just the timing and stuff like that

16. his showers are literally about 5 minutes long

17. he helps my parents with the iPod and computer needs, and is super loving about it

18. loves how excited i get, even though he doesnt get excited. unless it's about music.

19. sometimes will buy me flowers for no reason

20. likes to hold pinkies instead of hands

21. is good at everything he does. it's disgusting.

22. is a truly amazing teacher

23. hates shopping but takes FOREVER in a store

24. hates dancing- like me

25. thinks poop is funny- like me

thats my man.

he's so great.

the road less traveled

i have been struggling.

it feels that every day more and more burdens are placed upon my soul until it is almost impossible to breath. impossible to think of anything other than what i dont have.

there is no college degree to my name. there is an uncomfortable amount of money in our bank account. there is this awful feeling we will be stuck in a one bedroom condo for the rest of our lives. there is this closing in on me that this world is huge and i might never see it's vastness and culture.

these are things that the world and myself are telling me that are important. these are the things that will make my life happier and more eventful. a new house will provide a place for large celebrations with friends and family- as if our home now as not been filled with love and friendship since the day we moved in. we have loved in our home, found joy in making it ours, had friends over for delicious dinners and meaningful conversations, cried in it, lost jobs in it, had the best sleep of our life in it, had conversations that brought peace and mercy to a dark situation. so why dont all of those things make this a home worth keeping? why do more bedrooms, extra closet space, and a yard add to the peace that lives in a home?

i dont know.

why does not having a degree make me feel like a failure? i have learned more from being married than i think i ever will in a forum seated classroom. i have learned more about love, respect, mercy, forgiveness, trust, grace, and humility all by saying "i do" to the man who makes me whole. i have learned to cook (sorta), to be more efficient with my time and money, how to start and watch an amazing college group grow and become a place of comfort and learning, that i am not really the innocent and selfless person i thought i was, the fullness of falling asleep in the arms that provide safety and wholeness, finding that nathan was 'going without' so that i could be content and taken care of, working as hard as i can to make sure our family can stay afloat.

these are not things that ring in my mind as failing. these are things that, to the world, appear noble at best; but are really just naive ideas of life and marriage. that these things will not get me a good job, a nice retirement fund, fancy cars, and that dream house that i have been feeling so unsatisfied without. but to God, these are gems. these are the life lessons that make us better and more fulfilled. and only in these moments of staring at these cross roads and looking hard into both directions is God there. dont get me wrong, i think He's is on whatever path i choose, but i feel he is strongest at this point.

the choosing point.

the point where you make the decision: where will my life go? He's whispering and reminding and filling your heart with joy and comfort for the path that is right for you: even if it looks less successful.

and for me, a solid marriage and a happy home is successful, and i believe that God agrees. not that having a degree and buying your dream home is failing or unGodly- not even close. maybe, for you, that is God giving you your success. blessing you in ways that you have always dreamed, and sometimes He's not. in my case, He is not.

it has been a long and trying road to get to this fork. which will i choose? agonizing over the choices that i am making now since they will have so much weight 10 years from now. 20 years from now. as i am seeing my favorite students from youth group graduate high school and move onto amazing colleges to pursue an even more amazing life, i have slowly started to see a new path unravel before me.

a path that is slowly being paved for me. i imagine one of those magical brooms from Cinderella sweeping away dirt revealing a beautiful path. it is the path that gives me a degree, because i want it for me, not for the world. it also gives God the ability to move in me in different facets. it also gives me a happy marriage, but maybe not that dream home.

it is a path that i will start today: i'm enrolling in classes for fall later this week to start on this new path.

my soul has been soothed and comforted, reminding me that this world, will one day, fall away. this world is just a peak for the future: things that matter here will determine not only where i will want to be, but if i will actually get there.

Thank you God for being on that road.

Thank you God for being that road.