The end

i've been doing a lot of thinking lately. you see, i have a job where i spend a lot of time doing small tasks, and those small tasks require little to no thought on my part, so i do a lot of day dreaming:

if i would win if i got into a fist fight.
what my life would be like if a married someone else.
if i started when i was little, would i be an expert chess player.
if i didnt mess around in school, would i be going to a fancy college.
would i be a good mom.
should we get another dog.

just all these random thoughts. another thought that came to mind was this blog.

no one reads it.

no one is interested.

and that is totally cool. our lives are not interesting enough to plug in every few times a month to see whats going on. so unless i find something earth shattering to write about, this will be my last post.

thank you all for reading it and wanting to be furniture in our weird lives. you guys are great.

Ode to floating

the other morning when nathan woke up and looked really sad. i rolled over and started my day by asking him how he slept.

nay: not good. i had a dream i cheated on you.

me: really? thats no good, but it's only a dream.

nay: yeah but i had one the other night i cheated on you and i woke up sad then too.

me: two times doesnt make it true. what happened in your dream anyway?

nay: i was at some pool party with some girl and i was floating on my back and thats how i knew the dream couldnt be real.

me: (smiling) because you cant float in real life? thats how you knew you were dreaming??

nay: yeah.

me: (laughing) your silly.

No such title

this past weekend was profound to say the least.

this past weekend nathans grandpa celebrated his 80th birthday.

his friends were there, his family was there, his whole life was in that room.

it took place at this wonderful hotel in moro bay. the room we were in had a beautiful view of the ocean and the sunset with boats floating lazily in the cool water. the sun was blinding and filled the room with a warmth we hadnt felt all weekend. nathans dad went to go pick up his father while we all waited in the comfort of our private room.

light swept around us as we waited in eager anticipation for this man. this man who has lived 80 years and still going. he has seen war, and death, and life, and technology grow into something a man of his age can no longer comprehend. we waited for him to come and see us all who have traveled from around the states to him. we waited with our glasses sweating with condensation putting small drips on the brown carpet.

we saw them out of the corner of the closed doors and positioned ourselves for the arrival. the doors opened and with excitement we all screamed "HAPPY BIRTHDAY!" and he stopped. he was speechless. he couldnt move into the room: his legs wouldnt allow it. 

his small bright eyes scanned the room at all of our faces and he just took it all in: the faces, the sunshine, the boats, the fireplace all of it needed a specific spot in his memory so he wouldnt forget. he finally took his coat off and hugged us all with earnest arms while trying to find his place in the room.

finally we sat and made small talk, and he thanked us all for coming, he was humbled by our presence and was speechless.

it all got me thinking.

about life. about my husband. about the people i love.

i hope that one day people will wait in eager anticipation for me. that they will long to see me to celebrate this day with me. that i will be humbled by their presence.

the other weekend we were coming back from college camp in big bear when we saw an accident. we couldnt see the car in the accident but we could see a car that looked like one of ours on the side of the road talking to police. i thought the car in the accident was kips car.

my heart stopped.

my eyes teared.

thats our kip. he is our marriages best friend. he is my husbands brother and lifelong partner in crime. i thought that mangled car was kips. a car filled with people i love and dont want to live my life without. 

this 80th birthday made me think of these people and my life without them, and it is a sad life. a life that i cant say i would want to live without them. 

my hope is that we can all feel that way. we can all find those people that make our lives worth living and worth feeling for. what is life without the kips?

I have a Vision

i come baring good news:

i am employed and our college group just had their first winter camp.

both were huge blessings and answered prayers. the job has some really great perks to it: casual dress, great hours, good boss, close to home, on my way to school, and it's part time. it is everything i was hoping it would be and everything i didnt think i could find. it was as if all these wonderful puzzle pieces got together and decided, by the grace of God, to help me find an answered prayer: a job.

i am overcome with joy from the huge amounts of encouragement and hope i received from my friends and family. everyone pulled together to bring us kind words, hope, calls, letters, and extremely generous checks, all to make us feel a little more human. a little more like people. and our college retreat was the cherry on top.

we all went to this extremely tacky cabin in big bear and ate like kings, made our own hill to go sledding down, played more card games than known to man, talked about everything, laughed until someone snorted, and learned a ton about each other; about our new family.

here are some pictures for your viewing pleasure!