brought us this far.

it's official: we've moved in.

the first day was glorious. beyond exciting and full of promise.

our dear friends gave up their beautiful Saturday's to help us move from our one bedroom condo to our new 2 bedroom house. they seriously went above and beyond, and all the looks of admiration we got when we told people we were all moved, was because of these wonderful friends.

there were of course some snags, such as the small issue of having no electricity. nathan called to get the power turned on and even though they are the only company who provides electricity to ALL of southern california, they dont work on the weekends.

say what?

so we went all weekend without electricity in the hopes that monday morning we could flip our light switches and charge our phones. we were cool with candles and lanterns, and it makes for a cool story- until this morning when edison came to turn on our electricity and there was yet another problem.

needless to say, we might not have power for another week. (insert sad/frustrated/angry face here)

i am trying just to breathe, and not allow my ulcer to continue to eat my entire body with worry. God has brought us this far, why would He leave us now?

and after all, it could be worse, we could be wandering for 40 years without electricity...

my Jesus.

God has a way of working miracles.

miracles in the midst of seas of trouble that have the ability to swallow us whole. He has this way of working these miracles in such a manner, that you know that they are from Him and no one else.

it was not good luck. it was not by chance. it was not fate dealing you a winning hand.

it was Jesus.

last night i couldnt help myself, i was broken. the world had finally caught up with me and brought be screaming to my knees. i was feeling so many things, that my body was on overload and my brain could not catch up to process the pain and worry. on our way to our college group, i felt that i needed to tell nathan what i was going through- i needed him to take care of me. to calm me down and make me feel like there is hope.

but i didnt get what i needed.

i talked for about 5 minutes straight, letting out all the fears and anxieties i was having, and when i was finished i looked at nathan and he was just silent. it felt like he wasnt even listening, he wasnt even there with me in the car sitting in traffic. it was the final blow to my day, and i couldnt stop the tears from coming back. nathan is supposed to be the one who can give me what i need, what happened? it didnt help that we both have been so busy that we havent even hung out with each other this whole week: we so desperately lacked connection.

i feel like this is a recurring theme with us, but i digress.

so, after my time in the car, i needed something. my life felt in even more shambles and i felt so lost. i cant explain it, but as soon as we got to church, i knew that God had something for me, i just needed to be quiet and listen. so when it came to worship, i gave it everything i had. loud singing. raised hands. eyes closed tight. tears rolling down my cheeks.

He met me there and he told me something...

He told me that i get too much of my relationship with Him through nathan. that i have forgotten that i have my own relationship with Him that desperately needs to be maintained. He told me that the reason that nathan wasnt able to meet my needs is because sometimes, God needs to be the one to meet my needs, not nathan. i was reminded that i anytime i go to anything else, even something good like nathan, my needs wont be met.

i cried because i knew He was right. i lifted my hands because i was begging him to fix me.

and guess what, He did.

it is unexplained how i came to church with one attitude, and left with another one. i cant explain how my heart was melted away and made new by grace. i have no idea how my brain finally wrapped itself around my feelings and gave me reassurance. i just dont know why, but i know who, and it was my Jesus.

i had changed and i was new. i was able to tell nathan everything that had been revealed to me, and believe it or not (i think you just might!) it brought nathan and i together, finally. not only did God fix me, but he fixed us.

thank you all who worried for me and reached out a hand, you are the kindest people i know, and i am beyond blessed to know you.

all of you.

ugh.

ugh.

i am feeling so overwhelmed, i have forgotten what it feels like to be whelmed.

i am tired. i have so much on my plate right now, i can hardly function. i have a 5-10 paper due in a week, 3 midterms, being on call for work, being a wife, having a messy house, buying a new house, needing to take care of a TON of paper work for the house, people not returning my calls, needing to do laundry, sleeping, taking care of my dog who just happens to be sucking every ounce of energy, and money might i add, out of my life.

duke has been sick for the past 5 days or so. and by sick i mean pooping blood and mucus, and waking up multiple times during the night to be let out to poop some more blood. i got about 4 hours of sleep last night, and spent the better part of today at the vet with him.

x-rays came back clear except for some gas bubbles which might be the cause of his tummy problems, but this last visit cost us $222. The last visit he was at (a week ago today) cost us $650.

as i look at those numbers, my ulcer begins to churn and burn and i can feel myself growing sick with worry and frustration.

so far, this month, is kicking my ass.

not to mention that nathan will be out of town for about a week, and i will be left here to deal with my full plate alone. the idea of that makes my stomach hurt too...

blogging world, i need your prayers.