"you seem like a nice person"

this is my third time in line. i swear this woman must hate me. i hand her my application and she puts all of my information into the computer so i can sign up for classes. she takes my application and starts imputing my information as if i is no big deal. but to me, right at this moment, that information is all i have.

just a name and a social.

so she puts all my information in and motions for me to go over to the computers surrounding her. computers that only moments ago were plastered with "out of order" signs. computers that are hooked up to a server which has been down for days. with no server there is no classes, and with no classes, there is no where for me to go. 

but as fate would have it, the same moment i am in line waiting to sign up for classes, the system turns back on, and i enroll in a class. a class with the perfect time so i can still work in the mornings. a class that will help me to graduate. a class that should have no room for me.

but it did.

and i'm a student again.

so i leave campus with this amazing feeling. this feelings of thanks and someone watching over me. i'm finally getting somewhere.

what relief. what encouragement. what an answered prayer. and i dont think it can get much better.

but it does.

i hear back about a possible job. a call that will come in tomorrow. and it might.

but it might not.

but right now it doesnt matter. right now God is here. he is stretching me and making me new and with the help of Him, some friends, and some fresh air, i am becoming new. i am getting too big for this old skin and i need a new one.

it has been painful: sometimes too painful for words. but now: now is now. and now is good. now is filled with possibilities for tomorrow. i am seeing these days as blank pages instead of days already written for me. the comfort of a new crisp page makes me smile as i write this. he is here and he is providing in a way i never would have thought possible.

i went to the dentist today. a visit i was not thrilled about for many reasons: 1. no one likes getting cavities filled 2. this visit was supposed to cost me $355.

it cost me $50.

i called the dentists office when they gave me the numbers, and i told them i couldnt pay that much. i told them i know my insurance covers all that i needed to get done, and i didnt know what this $355 was coming from. we ended up getting it down to $245 and we got off the phone, but i still couldnt hang. i called back AGAIN, and broke down. i told her i couldnt pay $245, i just got laid off, i needed only what my insurance would cover and nothing more. by the grace of God they agreed and i went in to only pay a deductible. 

but when i got in the dentists chair, he told me that he understood my position and he was going to give me everything i needed for free. everything that would cost me $245 would now be free. why? 

because he said i seemed like a nice person.

because in the end, it wouldnt cost the office as much as they thought it would.

i sat in that chair with my mouth numb as hell and a drill in my face, and it took every ounce of me not to cry. i closed my eyes tight and thanked God. the whole time they worked on my mouth i couldnt stop by thanking Him.

who knew?

God knew. He still knows, and i feel like a fool for forgetting that.

Cant let go

I am becoming more and more frustrated with life.

as the days continue to pass with no promise of a job or school, my heart breaks a little more, and people are sick of hearing about it.

i'm sick of talking about it.

i'm sick of feeling it.

i'm sick of not learning and not trusting.

and when it comes down to it, i know that i wasnt trusting God when i had a job. i was on my own with my husband and we were making it fine. i didnt need God to be there and take care of me, i was doing it myself. and now that i know this, i refuse to apply it. 

instead i cry.

instead i am sad.

i dont listen. he whispers to me "i am taking care of you. i am breaking you now so you will be new later. you will be wonderful. you will grow. but you must trust me. you must stop fighting me. you must give yourself to me wholeheartedly. the only way to get out of this is with me, and i'm not done with you yet."

i know this. i believe this. but i cant apply it.

instead i apply for job after job that i know i wont hear back from. i know these people wont reply to my resume, i know that it will be overlooked with all the other unemployed faces right now. i know that it wont do any good to apply to 4 jobs a day if God isnt blessing it. and i dont believe he is, but i cant let go. 

i just cant.

pray for me. pray that my heart heals and i let go. pray that i will stop struggling. 

i will pray for all of you. with all this time on my hands i do a lot of praying, but i dont know how much learning i do. 

Winter and wheat

me: what do you miss about winter?

nay: (confused) it's still winter- it's january!

me: i know, but it's 80 degrees outside! that is not winter.

nay: it's kind of winter...

i miss winter. i miss the snow on the mountain tops. i miss having a christmas tree in our house. i miss coming home to duke eating some new ornament. i miss hot chocolate and warm cookies. 

i just hate that i cant embrace the new. whats wrong with sunshine and warm afternoons? whats wrong with strolls on the beaches and lovely walks around the block??

i'm just not a fan of change. even if it is good, i dont like it. dont get me wrong, i would be able to adjust to the change of becoming a millionaire, but other things prove more difficult. 

for example: right now i am watching "family matters" and i dont want to change the channel just incase there is nothing better on tv and i just wasted my time channel surfing. but i am watching "family matters". 

sick. 

anyone else remember when it was on TGIF with "step by step" and "full house"??? good days.

anyway, this weekend was nice, and am becoming more and more comfortable with this whole unemployment thing. the sermon this sunday was particularly wonderful and reminded me to be wheat (this may not make any sense to you, but if i explain it will take too long, so just use your imagination) and not weeds. this life is short.

it will end.

it will carry us into something.

and that something depends on how we spend our time here. and whatever side we feed more (the selfish or the loving) will win. i want my loving side to win.

i think it might.

the joy of staying at home

oh lordy, what a week.

being unemployed is so exhausting. all i can seem to do is clean, cook, take duke for walks, and watch CSI on netflix. i have been trying to get in the habit of working out (i.e. running with the duke, using my workout videos) but i just cant seem to get in the hang of it. 

nothing really has been motivating me, but i have been feeling better. i have been hanging out with friends, volunteering, talking with family, making yummy dinners, and applying for jobs. 

honestly, i dont even know what i'm looking for anymore.

with every application filled out and every resume sent, i feel more and more frustrated. no one is responding. no one is calling back. no one e-mails back. this situation is so helpless. 

but i am still learning.

i am learning that this is just the beginning and that it can only get better. i am learning that i have ignored some of my friends and i took amazing friendships and people for granted: because of a job. i am learning how to let my husband provide without the aid of my income. i am learning how to let go and how to trust my God. 

i am learning that this too shall pass.

there is something that i need to be learning from all of this. something that i need to be meditating on; searching for. i am just so thankful that i have a husband who pushes me and who inspires me.

thank you all for the kind words and prayers that have sent our way. we are so thankful for all of you, and understand that it is harder for some more than others (Kim Guerrier, my lovely Megan, and Janvier) thank you both for keeping me sane this past week with calls and e-mails. i love you guys.

hope everything is going well for all of you out there in blogging land. i need a pick me up, so i want to hear something funny. see what you can do.

Lost

today i lost my job.

i did not lose it to someone more qualified or special.

i did not lose it because i am bad at my job or because i am lazy.

but it is lost.

and so am i.

i am trying to be patient and rely on God, but i am worried i will forget to thank Him for what he did bless me with. 

today i lost my income.

but i will remain faithful, because a job doesnt matter. an income doesnt matter. a title doesnt matter.

friends matter. my family matters. and most of all. my God matters.

Sick Nathan

Nathan has been sick this week.

i hate sick nathan. i really do.

let me explain: nathan feels that when he is sick, he shouldnt have to do anything: no dishes, no bed making, no cooking, no cleaning, no showers, literally there is nothing. he is sick and that is that. 

and while i agree with that logic on some levels, on other levels i dont. in that area, we are totally different. just because i have a case of the sniffles doesnt mean that the world stops turning or that there are no more jobs to be done. and honestly, i dont know who is right.

but who's right isnt the issue. the issue is the fact that neither of us are good at serving when we are sick. nathan is more upfront about it: he just wont do it. and not in a jerk way, but in a sweetly irritating way. the kind of way that you cant be mad at him, but you are counting down the days until he's feeling better. 

i on the other hand serve, but not with a kind heart. i will clean the house and do the dishes, all the while wiping my nose on my sleeve, and not stop until the house is clean. but i'm not happy. i'm not doing it because it is good for my character, and doing it actually chips away at my character. 

i get bitter that he isnt the one doing it, and i, the sick one, is stuck doing all of the work. so while i am cleaning the house and running errands, my heart starts to ache as much as my sick body does, and i dont know how to stop.

i dont know how to put the comet down and retreat to bed. and i dont know how to serve without ulterior motives or a bitter heart. 

but i am learning.

this last time that i was sick, i slept. i stayed home. i made fires and watched tv and snuggled with duke, and it felt nice. i only hope that with time i will be able to serve with a open heart and a better attitude. surprisingly, i am learning from my silly husband how to serve better and wholeheartedly. 

i want to be like him more and more each day.

except when he is sick.

life is like a box of chocolate...

i have forgotten how to to my job.

after 11 days off of work (weekends are included in that, but 11 days is still a lot!) i have returned to my desk with a ton of problems: forgetting key strokes, stuttering while on the phone with people, a large amount of paperwork to do, forgetting silly information...

literally, this guy asked me "How many come in the pack of ten?" and i put him on hold, flipped through the book, and called a friend to ask her. when she laughed on the other end i knew it was bad. i returned to my customer and calmly and respectfully answered "ten."

what a day.

i wouldnt change it though. i mean, who would? 11 glorious days of couch cuddling and sleeping in vs. one awkward day of work? no contest.

but today, i just feel so silly.

on another note, last night we went to dinner with my family for my grandma's birthday and it was a nice evening. dinner was good, followed by good conversation, which always completes a night out. nay and i said our goodbyes and headed home to do some much needed laundry.

as we were folding the laundry and putting everything away, nathan hands me my clothes that he put on hangers for me and says:

"these are organized from sweaters and cardigans to long sleeves and tee shirts."

and then he just walks away.

it was the cutest thing that i think he has ever done. i mean, what man organizes his wives clothes like that?! i dont even organize my clothes like that!

i smiled at him and i put the clothes in the closet.

i love how he takes care of me.

even when he thinks i dont notice.

i want it.

i'm not one for new years resolutions. i mean, honestly if i want to change something about myself, i can do it anytime. i do not need to wait for january first to decide that i want to change areas of my life. however, the feeling of knowing that 2008, along with all of the mistakes and problems that came with it, are now gone, is inspiring. it is clean. it is the feeling of coming home to a clean house, and crisp sheets.

there is relief for the past, and hope for the future. there is hope in knowing that you can change. change! what a feeling of power! your life is in your hands always, but realizing that you can be different; better. it is wonderful to know what you are capable of.

i already know i am capable/and want the usual things: to eat better, spend less money, work out more, build up our savings, so on and so fourth. but there is more isnt there? there is more to life than a nice bank account and a better body.

i want a better heart.

i want to give people the benefit of the doubt.

i dont want to pick apart the good things in my life to find the bad.

i want to have a better attitude.

i never want to have a bad thought about my friends or my husband.

i want to desire good above all.

i want to look for ways to make others lives better.

the best part about wanting these things for myself, is that they are attainable. they were made to be attainable. we were made to be good. we were made to thrive in and for good. i know i can do these things, i know that i have to want it: and i do. i want it. i want it for me and my husband. i want it for my friends. i want it for my family. i want it for vision/church. i want it for all. 

there are not a lot of things that i want for: we have a great place, wonderful family and friends, a beautiful pup, two good jobs, a future. 

but i want a better heart. i want all of those things that i know will change me and my relationships. those are the things that i want. those are the things that i need, but it is important to want them. you can need honesty in your life, but to want honesty, that is brave. that is hard. that, my friends, is change.

happy new year ya'll. may you have the relief of a year past, and the hope of a new year to come. yay!