Golly

im not going to lie, i'm stalling.

our house is a total and complete mess. when we got back from alaska it was clean and neat, and now it is just...well gross.

and the worst part is that i was supposed to hang out with a friend last night but she has to cancel because she needed to stay home and clean the house: what a show off.

actually she's not which makes me dislike her even more. but back to the issue at hand, i am so determined not to clean the house, i took pictures of how dirty the house is, but wouldnt actually clean it.

isnt that just the best?!

i hope these pictures make you feel better about your house.

yes, that is an empty, open jar of peanut butter

those bottles of shampoo and conditioner, are in fact, empty

why yes, that is my bathing suit drying on the floor

like how we are using the FAN as a clothes holder???

the comet doesnt do so good just sitting on the counter...

this kitchen doesn't look grrrreeeeaaattt!

to be fair, after i took all these pictures i realized how awful our house really is, and will clean it later today.

i swear.

wake up

when you go to the doctors to hear a heartbeat that doesnt exist

when you spend endless nights unable to sleep knowing your body wont take a baby

when it puts a strain on your marriage and body knowing your chances of a baby is almost impossible

when you finally come to grips with knowing you will only have one child

when you have to tell people you are no longer pregnant

when you have given up hope of giving your sweet son a sibling

when there is no hope, little faith and an emptiness that wont be filled...

a moment comes. this moment is when you find out that you are pregnant: it must feel like your dreaming, and that it cant be real.

but it is.

and you are.

we are beyond happy and proud of you guys and cant wait to meet her (or him but i think its a girl.) =)

(sigh)

it's been a while.

nathan and i have been in Alaska for the past 7 days.

we hiked 4 miles to a huge glacier, went ice climbing on the glacier, and then hiked 4 miles back. we went kayaking with sea lions, eagles, and purple and orange starfish. we biked miles to a nature park and took in all the scenery of swaying trees, huge bees, and blooming flowers. we drank pure, deep blue water from a glacier. saw a moose. saw a porcupine. ate fresh alaskan fish off the market streets. got lost. saw darkness only begin to take place around midnight. took vast amount of pictures. bummed we didnt see a bear, whale, beaver, shark, or sea otter.

there are no words for the splendor or vast amounts of beauty that we saw. no way to describe the way the air tastes pure and cold and the sunshine feels warm and soothing. we saw so much beauty that it is weird being back to a place where there is no snow, no mountains, trash on the side of the road, traffic, and air that feels stale and stifling. it will be hard to transition to being back in civilization but we did miss our home, bed, friends, and of course, the duke.

also, we wanted to give a little shout out to some amazing people. truman and katie watched our house for us, which in itself is a huge blessing, but they cleaned our house SO well. dishes are clean, carpets have those awesome vacuum lines, counters are spotless, and everything is put away in its little spot.

thank you for being the kinds of people that you are. that want to leave things better than the way you found it. people who value others above themselves and with humility and grace.

thank you.

also our dear, dear friend who had a final exam the next day and picked us up at the airport at 11:30 p.m. who watched our dog and made him feel more loved and less like an orphan. who not only picked us up late, but at LAX and in traffic. who is a beast of a driver and got us in and out of there in less than 5 minutes.

thanks kip.

ok, enough jibber jabber.

i know

this is me and my mom:

literally, this picture describes our relationship to a 'T'. this picture was taken on my wedding day hours before i no longer belonged to her and i was about to be belong to someone new.

someone she didnt approve of.

someone she thought wouldnt make me happy.

but he does, and she knows that now. she has seen us grow and become adults together: get our first real jobs together, get our first place together, travel together, support each other,

almost move, start a college group, go to back to school, get our first dog together: the works.

with mothers day coming tomorrow, i realized my mom has come so far as a woman and as my mom. she respects me as a woman and allows me to make my own mistakes and learn from them. she rejoices when my husband sends me flowers and she is sad when we have a miscommunications. every time, and i do mean every time, we get off the phone she says: "send my love to nathan". she has come full circle from where she used to be when it came to my relationship with nathan.

she loves him almost as much as i do, and that took a lot of effort and a lot of courage. she knew that getting married so young would be hard on us. she knew that i would drop out of college if we got married. but she didnt know we would love each other as much as we do. she didnt know that being married to nathan is what i was made to do (amongst other things).

but she does now.

she knows, and i want her to know that i know. i know she has changed. i know that she loves us. i know that she is sorry and she almost lost out on something great with us. i know that she is learning how to be a mother-in-law like i am learning to be a wife. i know that she is trying harder than she ever thought she would try.

i know mom.

i know.

Never say never

ever since i was a little girl, i've always been an outdoors kind of girl. whether it is camping or being in the backyard planting flowers or just enjoying the sunshine, i have always loved being outside. the smell of fresh air, the way the wind blows your hair, the blinding sun, the swaying trees...it makes me wish that it wasnt 9:30 p.m. so i could go outside right now. i remember being a kid and feeling so sad when the sun started to set and the sweat on my skin dried and sent those cold shivers down my back.

but somewhere along the way from being a kid and turning into and adult, outside became less appealing: it offered less and less to me the older i got. being outside in the sun has become and inconvenience and i scan the area for shade. the blowing wind now irritates me as it sends my hair in all different directions sticking to my mouth and chapstick. and it isnt the whether that has changed: the sun didnt become less sunny and warm and the wind didnt become less mysterious.

i just lost it.

i forgot the feeling of being in love with nature and being outside. i feel like i have forgotten about a part of me that is still very much there, but is buried behind errands, laziness, excuses, and plans. these things are not more important or take precedence over the glory that sits outside my window, it just sits in my mind and haunts me to the point where i cant see how warm it is outside or how beautiful my neighbors flowers are.

these thoughts came to me today as i was sitting in my house, on my comfy couch, with remote in hand getting ready to watch a movie, when for some reason my eyes wandered outside and i was shocked at how blue the sky was.

i hadnt noticed all day.

i was too busy cleaning and running errands to see the magic that was sitting outside my window. and its not like it's hard to miss! it's the huge blueness above my head! when i realized how much i had been missing out on, i turned the television off and walked outside to look at the blue above me, and it was probably the best part of my day.

i believe that God has put that desire in all of us; the desire for nature and the sense of freedom that comes with it. freedom from cellphones and buildings and cars that take up too much room on our already crowded streets. freedom from our wallets and pocketbooks and plans we think take precedence over our own sense of peace and relaxation.i believe that God speaks to us in those moments, where He actually has a chance at getting our attention and gently brings us to a different place.

a holy place.

i never thought that my small condo porch would ever bring me a sense of peace or inspire a blog, but as a good friend of mine once blogged "never say never".