amen.

i'm not really a morning person.

and by not really, i mean that i am absolutely not a morning person. so when nathan tried waking me up the morning before thanksgiving to go to the desert, i wasnt very responsive. so he decided to wake me with a story: (keep in mind nathan had just woken up at this point too, which makes this extra cute.)

once upon a time there was a prince named Vi and everyone thought he was gay because of his name. but he wasnt, and he hated it when people thought he was gay. Amen.

my husband is great.

miracle.

today our beautiful friends became parents.

for the second time.

for years we have earnestly prayed that her womb would hold a child, that their family would be blessed with a bigger family. we eargerly awaited to hear back and see if this was real, if she would finally become a mother of 2.

and sometimes i wish i never heard back. i wish i never knew the troubles the family had and the heartbreak of trying, and waiting, and hoping, and being broken.

but one day something changed.

on this day you were given a heartbeat. a hope. and since that day, my life has been better, and it isnt even my baby.

and the best part is that i just met him. i just watched him sleep and yawn and learn to move his fingers. i just saw a miracle.

not that seeing that belly grow month after month was no miracle, but seeing that boy, made is so real.

tonight, i saw Jesus.

i saw Him in the faces that stood around that room. i saw Him in the face of the new mother. i saw Him in this baby that has is an answer to many, many prayers.

thank you Jesus.

we are so excited for you Enniss'.

mary.

right now as i type this, i am sitting in front of my fireplace welcoming the warmth and it's amazing smell. the lakers game is on in the back round and my husband, sick as a dog, is laying on the couch cheering them on in his sweats and messy hair. duke is tired from the jog i took him on this morning, and has spent most of the day sleeping on varies items: the couch, the floor, my brush, the remote. he is just the most amazing rug i have ever known.

true story.

i have been having to 'up' my role around here. with nathan being sick again and duke having two ear infections, i have found myself running around like a mad women making sure nathan took his medicine, duke got his ear drops, we have the right foods for dinner tonight, does nathan have enough food while i am at school, do i need to pack anything before i go..? the list goes on...and on...and on...and on until my brain hurts and there is honestly nothing else i can do.

i was on my way to target (hallelujah!) when i saw a women sitting at the bus stop. nothing about her looks were noteworthy, nothing about the way she carried herself screamed "amazing". she was as average as they come- except for one thing.

she was praying.

she was sitting on this bench in front of one of the busiest streets in my city, hands folded, eyes closed, muttering her holy words of thanks and forgiveness. every word she uttered made me step on my breaks a little bit more until my car window was right in front of her. her eyes shut tight with no chance of her breaking this conversation with her God. her fingers were white with bitter cold as she continued to keep those hands held tightly around themselves while having a conversation with her God. with Jesus.

it brought tears to my eyes, for so many reasons. it was beautiful, it was hopeful, it was exciting, it was humbling, it was shocking. it left me hopeful and shameful. i would never sit at a bus stop and pray, it just isnt me. i couldnt be that vulnerable in front of millions of strangers. how could i? but the question isnt how could i. the question is who am i.

who am i that i cant even entertain the idea of worshiping my God on a bus stop. it isnt as if God isnt at that bus stop already. where is my relationship with God that praying out in public is as foreign to me as graphic design or India?

after i pulled into the target parking lot i sat in my car for a while, feeling the sun on my face and wondering where i went wrong. wondering how i fell so far away from that crazy love i felt as a teenager, when it came to me.

just pray.

i could not allow myself to feel one more minute of that pity or selfishness i was feeling seconds earlier, how is that glorifying to God? how is that going to help bridge this gap?

i sat in my scion and allowed the grace and mercy of God to rush over me and take me to a better place. i sat in that car with hands folded and eyes closed tight, genuinely glad to have a moment with just me and Him. thanking Him for today and for nathan. thanking Him for my amazing friends and an undying love for Him.

i dont know how long i sat there, but by the time i was done the sun had shifted and i was sitting in the shadows of the large building. i got out of the car and laughed: i had forgotten what i needed here in the first place. i almost got back in the car amused that God had brought me to Target just to each me a lesson, then i remembered that i had a sick husband and home and needed some more Tylenol cold.

all in all, i would say it was a good day.

and to you, the beautifully plain women sitting at the bus stop, thank you. you are a blessing and i dont even know your name, but i will call you mary. for no particular reason other than i think that name might fit you.

thank you mary.

the cough that wont quit.

it's funny how things change.

i have liked blogging in the past, but i am really starting to enjoy it in a different way. it soothes a part of me that i didnt even know needed soothing. i actually check my blog about 5 times a day, not even kidding, just to re-read or see if there are any comments from my lovely friends. i'm just digging it more, which is funny since i think people read it less.

it's also funny how nathan and i are changing. since my last, painfully honest post, we have been doing SO well. so well it has to be our God, in His enormous grace and forgiveness, that allowed us to be pulled out of the rut we were in.

we are laughing. we are giggling. we are reaching for hands and kisses and becoming more and more loving. more back massages. more jokes. more conversations. it is just such a bummer that the past 2 weeks took up so many opportunities to have more of these good days. and it couldnt have come too soon: nathan is sick.


he came home from work with a itchy throat and a cough that wont quit. he needed to come home, eat some lunch, and get to bed and i obliged. i have been serving him, taking care of him, massaging him, taking his temperature, and giving him his many doses of Emergency.

and honestly, i dont think i could be the wife he needs me to be if God hadn't fixed us. if He hadn't given us the amount of mercy that He did, i dont think i would be able to love nathan the way he needs to be loved.

that would have been a tragedy. a waste.

thank goodness we got out of those two weeks alive. God is so good, and we moved out of the way to see it just in time.

connect.

ugh.

what a painful few weeks it has been for us. we have been fighting and arguing so often it feels like we were on some fighting schedule- have a few laughs, have a fight. think everything is ok, have a fight. it was just like clockwork and honestly, we were starting to get sick of each other and all these fights. it was wearing on us to the point where we would opt for silence than for conversation, and would feel strained once one of us decided to talk.

we were so disconnected, and we could feel it with every awkward silence, every lost stare, and every empty conversation. he wouldn't touch me. he wouldn't reach for my hand. he wouldn't call me "babe" or "love". but who wants to touch the person you feel is giving you such a hard time. always harping on you, always finding something to argue about. it was this awful cycle of a lack of connection on his part so i would shut down, feeling hurt and abandoned and become someone he didnt want to spend any time with.

these two paragraphs dont even do our past couple weeks justice, they were just awful. just so painful it brings tears to my eyes to think about the past weeks we spent hurting each other and not being able to get over this hump in our marriage. and all this was just magnified by the fact that i did so poorly in my math class, i needed to drop it and take it next semester.

my only job right now is to do school, and i couldnt even pass my math class. i came to the realization one night after nathan had gone to sleep, that i have been getting my self-worth and self-respect from school. from doing well in school and from the success that comes with having a degree. i have been struggling with this for quite some time, so getting a "f" in math shatters my world. it fills my head with doubt, worry, anxiety, and failure.

i'm just not good at school. i'm just not scholarly. it's not my gift. and to be honest, i dont know what is my gift. i have been struggling and longing for an answer to this heartbreaking feeling i have, not knowing what God will have for me. why i'm here. what am i here to do? women who long to be a mother and know that rearing children is what they were made to do, have it easy. they know. they are filled with the peace of knowing that they will produce children and be a mother for the rest of their lives. they were made to be moms, and i dont carry that desire. i carry no such love of children or longing to watch them grow.

i feel oh so broken.

and last night nathan and i were having just another hard night of not talking and awkward silences. we decided to go to bed early and just loaf around, which, of course, turned into a miscommunication which lead to a fight. we ended up talking until midnight and really hashing out our lives and what we were feeling. our conversation ended with me sobbing into my husbands chest, unable to breathe, unable to feel anything other than a deep sadness of regret for the past 2 weeks and an unwavering feeling of failure. as a wife. as a student. as a woman. as a human.

and last night while tears covered nathans chest and soaked his shirt, we finally felt connected. we were finally brought together by our feelings of hurt, disconnection, and sadness. last night we finally went to sleep holding each other and feeling close again. feeling loved again. feeling hopeful again. not to say that our lives are by any means fixed, but they are getting better. it feels good again like sunshine on your face.

i share this with you all for many reasons. sometimes, all you need to hear is someone else say "us too. we struggled with that too. i know exactly how you feel". others need to see that they aren't connected, to anyone, and that is and awful feeling. a feeling of loss and sadness, but it doesnt have to be that way. others of you love nathan and i and love our marriage and want to see us grow, and we love you. we are blessed to have you. and i share this for myself. for my own sanity and growth, to see where we have come from.

to see where were going.