connect.

ugh.

what a painful few weeks it has been for us. we have been fighting and arguing so often it feels like we were on some fighting schedule- have a few laughs, have a fight. think everything is ok, have a fight. it was just like clockwork and honestly, we were starting to get sick of each other and all these fights. it was wearing on us to the point where we would opt for silence than for conversation, and would feel strained once one of us decided to talk.

we were so disconnected, and we could feel it with every awkward silence, every lost stare, and every empty conversation. he wouldn't touch me. he wouldn't reach for my hand. he wouldn't call me "babe" or "love". but who wants to touch the person you feel is giving you such a hard time. always harping on you, always finding something to argue about. it was this awful cycle of a lack of connection on his part so i would shut down, feeling hurt and abandoned and become someone he didnt want to spend any time with.

these two paragraphs dont even do our past couple weeks justice, they were just awful. just so painful it brings tears to my eyes to think about the past weeks we spent hurting each other and not being able to get over this hump in our marriage. and all this was just magnified by the fact that i did so poorly in my math class, i needed to drop it and take it next semester.

my only job right now is to do school, and i couldnt even pass my math class. i came to the realization one night after nathan had gone to sleep, that i have been getting my self-worth and self-respect from school. from doing well in school and from the success that comes with having a degree. i have been struggling with this for quite some time, so getting a "f" in math shatters my world. it fills my head with doubt, worry, anxiety, and failure.

i'm just not good at school. i'm just not scholarly. it's not my gift. and to be honest, i dont know what is my gift. i have been struggling and longing for an answer to this heartbreaking feeling i have, not knowing what God will have for me. why i'm here. what am i here to do? women who long to be a mother and know that rearing children is what they were made to do, have it easy. they know. they are filled with the peace of knowing that they will produce children and be a mother for the rest of their lives. they were made to be moms, and i dont carry that desire. i carry no such love of children or longing to watch them grow.

i feel oh so broken.

and last night nathan and i were having just another hard night of not talking and awkward silences. we decided to go to bed early and just loaf around, which, of course, turned into a miscommunication which lead to a fight. we ended up talking until midnight and really hashing out our lives and what we were feeling. our conversation ended with me sobbing into my husbands chest, unable to breathe, unable to feel anything other than a deep sadness of regret for the past 2 weeks and an unwavering feeling of failure. as a wife. as a student. as a woman. as a human.

and last night while tears covered nathans chest and soaked his shirt, we finally felt connected. we were finally brought together by our feelings of hurt, disconnection, and sadness. last night we finally went to sleep holding each other and feeling close again. feeling loved again. feeling hopeful again. not to say that our lives are by any means fixed, but they are getting better. it feels good again like sunshine on your face.

i share this with you all for many reasons. sometimes, all you need to hear is someone else say "us too. we struggled with that too. i know exactly how you feel". others need to see that they aren't connected, to anyone, and that is and awful feeling. a feeling of loss and sadness, but it doesnt have to be that way. others of you love nathan and i and love our marriage and want to see us grow, and we love you. we are blessed to have you. and i share this for myself. for my own sanity and growth, to see where we have come from.

to see where were going.