AND ONE!

i dont understand what AND ONE means. i know it's a basketball term and something to do with fouls. i know that joey and nate and kip have tried to explain it to me: but i got nothing. i dont get it. but what i do get is that is sure if fun to yell it out to the boys that play basketball on tuesdays.

my husband is one of those boys, and it is just so fun to watch him be active and fun and an athlete. he has a great heart and is the first one to call himself on a foul. there is no trash talk or heated moments on the court: it's just hanging out on a tuesday with a different setting.

i go and try to support him, but damn it gets cold out there! my God my feet are so cold i could break off my toes and put them in your soda...that may be how Phoebe found a thumb in her soda...

i digress. anyway, my super awesome wonderful photographer friend christine lent us this awesome zoom lens and it was so great. i got some cool shots and thought i would share them.

anyway, hope all of your weeks are going well. this week has been an interesting one and i dont know where i will be at the end of it all. our college group is reading through the whole new testament in 5 weeks, and nathan and i are really digging it so far. granted yesterday was day one and it's 10:16 p.m. and i havent started on todays (can you say foreshadowing?) but i still like it.

there is just something sweet about re-reading all the words i base my life upon. my marriage upon. my growth upon. something very sweet indeed.

Cant even last an hour

this weekend was not one full of rest and relaxation, but it was not one of stress and obligation either. it was one that put thoughts in my head and made me think about who i am as a person and who i want to be. on saturday janvier and i took captain to disneyland. in case you didnt catch that, we went on SATURDAY, the busiest day of the freaking week. i honestly dont know what i was thinking, all i saw was 'splash mountain' and a cute kid. but it was not all splashes and mountains.

it was hot.

and crowded.

and sticky and sweaty.

it was just awful being pushed around and people walking in front of you and kicking your feet. strollers hitting the back of your ankles and pasty tourists with their packed lunches and fanny packs. it was just tough.

tough because i really wanted to be there. because i really wanted the lines to shorten and the clouds to come, but no such luck. luckily i had a wonderful little boy and a cool friend to share the heat and tourists with. captain was such a little saint the whole time as he was being pushed and shoved in ten different directions. but like i said in the beginning, it made me think:

why do i feel i'm entitled to perfect weather and no lines? why am i offended when someone cuts me off? why do i get so angry about nothing?

it made me so sad and really made me think about my life, and honestly, for the most part, i'm a pretty negative person. you give me someone (almost anyone) and i can tell you what i dont like about them without a thought or hope of a filter. no euphemisms. no tact. just the words that come to mind, but the worst part about that, it that they had to come from somewhere before they came from the brain, and that place is much worse and much harder to deal with.

my heart.

i allow people and small situations to steal my joy and take away what i have. when i am in a crowded area, when people are rude, and especially when i am driving. i feel like i turn into a totally different person when i drive, and sometimes the things that come out of my mouth: they are so shameful and disgusting. i know why i am this way though: i am just so crippling self-conscience. i look at people and always measure myself to them, and 90% of the time, i dont measure up to them. but i dont want to be that person. with all my heart i dont want to be that person, and now that i am seeing it, i am trying to fix it.

however it is much worse than i thought.

literally, 10 times today i had to stop myself from saying totally off the wall and hurtful things. all things in jest, but that doesnt make them loving or kind or worth the breath it takes to muster them. and even still, things came out that made my heart drop. i couldnt even make it an hour, how am i going to fix this problem that i have?

i am discouraged and confused and feel just exhausted with being in my own skin. just tired of struggling with the same issues. will i ever learn?

on another note, here are some pictures of us at disneyland and just some of duke. everyone needs to be reminded of the duke once and a while.

He thinks I keep him grounded

yesterday nathan went to get tattooed, and he got one of the most beautiful tattoos i have ever seen. it is perfect and sweet and is everything i hoped it would be.

about a year ago i got my ring finer tattooed, nothing big, just a little red bow to show that marriage is a gift. it's not subtle but what can you get out of being subtle? =)

so then when nathan went to get tattooed, he decided to get an anchor; because he says i keep him grounded. because when my husband goes online to look at the newest apple products, i have to calmly tell him "honey, we dont really have the money for that..." or "hey love, our computer is great! we dont need a new one!" but he always seems to find a reason.

he does the same for me. when the world is crumbling around me and all i can do hide in our wonderful comfy bed, he's there. he gets me. he knows how emotional and tangled in my own feelings i can be and he knows what to do.

i never knew being grounded could feel so good.

Can a get a hell ya?!?

this morning was such a wonderful gift. nathan and i slept in, and when we finally did decide to get out of bed, all we did was retreat to the living room to finish off our netflix and make some breakfast. we cuddled beneath warm blankets as we munched on chocolate chip pancakes and let hot chocolate warm our insides.

so we ate breakfast, made some slideshows on the computer, finished up some homework, hung around for a little bit longer, and then decided to go to the park and get some good use out of our new camera.

it sounds silly, but the whole world feels more beautiful on the other side of a camera. to the point where as i am driving and looking out the window, i think of different shots i could take to make a 'stop' sign more beautiful, or trash in the gutter become art. it is just so empowering to have something that helps make the world look more beautiful and worth giving a second look.

"...even when no one reads it"

so i know i told you all i was no longer going to be blogging, but a good friend of mine, the kind of friend that just knows where your heart is and pierces it with words that break through to even the hardest of hearts. this friend of mine, she said "you have to want to blog even when you know that no one will comment".

which got me thinking about why i blog and why it bothered me that no one commented. i felt like no one cared and honestly, that was one of my main reasons for starting it. i wanted people to become enthralled in our lives and long to be a part of it.

golly what was i thinking.

i want it: i want to keep up this blog even when no one reads it. but for me. for my sanity and for my husband. he loves it when i blog and that i have something for myself and something that i am actually good at. something that takes little to no effort but reaps so much in return.

i have a new found love for this blog.

no more false alarms. this time it is legit: the blog stays!

p.s. we got this amazing new camera (one the duke cant chew {insert crossed fingers} but i'm sure he wants to) and here are some pictures we took. let me know what you think all your professionals out there i.e. christine and the lovely ashley in seattle. enjoy!