this weekend was not one full of rest and relaxation, but it was not one of stress and obligation either. it was one that put thoughts in my head and made me think about who i am as a person and who i want to be. on saturday janvier and i took captain to disneyland. in case you didnt catch that, we went on SATURDAY, the busiest day of the freaking week. i honestly dont know what i was thinking, all i saw was 'splash mountain' and a cute kid. but it was not all splashes and mountains.
it was hot.
and crowded.
and sticky and sweaty.
it was just awful being pushed around and people walking in front of you and kicking your feet. strollers hitting the back of your ankles and pasty tourists with their packed lunches and fanny packs. it was just tough.
tough because i really wanted to be there. because i really wanted the lines to shorten and the clouds to come, but no such luck. luckily i had a wonderful little boy and a cool friend to share the heat and tourists with. captain was such a little saint the whole time as he was being pushed and shoved in ten different directions. but like i said in the beginning, it made me think:
why do i feel i'm entitled to perfect weather and no lines? why am i offended when someone cuts me off? why do i get so angry about nothing?
it made me so sad and really made me think about my life, and honestly, for the most part, i'm a pretty negative person. you give me someone (almost anyone) and i can tell you what i dont like about them without a thought or hope of a filter. no euphemisms. no tact. just the words that come to mind, but the worst part about that, it that they had to come from somewhere before they came from the brain, and that place is much worse and much harder to deal with.
my heart.
i allow people and small situations to steal my joy and take away what i have. when i am in a crowded area, when people are rude, and especially when i am driving. i feel like i turn into a totally different person when i drive, and sometimes the things that come out of my mouth: they are so shameful and disgusting. i know why i am this way though: i am just so crippling self-conscience. i look at people and always measure myself to them, and 90% of the time, i dont measure up to them. but i dont want to be that person. with all my heart i dont want to be that person, and now that i am seeing it, i am trying to fix it.
however it is much worse than i thought.
literally, 10 times today i had to stop myself from saying totally off the wall and hurtful things. all things in jest, but that doesnt make them loving or kind or worth the breath it takes to muster them. and even still, things came out that made my heart drop. i couldnt even make it an hour, how am i going to fix this problem that i have?
i am discouraged and confused and feel just exhausted with being in my own skin. just tired of struggling with the same issues. will i ever learn?
on another note, here are some pictures of us at disneyland and just some of duke. everyone needs to be reminded of the duke once and a while.
6 comments:
Saturday was great. Glad to have battled the crowds with you. :)
That's a cute boy. I think I will eat him.
Casey, we are not perfect. There are many things that God would love to change in us all. The measure of our progress is in our humility and our willingness to learn and try. I told someone on Saturday that you were someone who was eager to become wise, to grow, to learn from others. And that's it.
That's the gold. The disappointment or fear or sorrow...those are more tricks trying to steal your heart from the truth. The path we have chosen is work and as long as we are moving, God is working.
Just keep at it. I ADORE folks that aspire to more. One of my favorite qualities.
Thanks for loving my son and braving that horrible day with him. I didn't warn you about how it would suck, because I thought you were young and I am old. Your perception makes me feel better about how 'old' I really am.
I took Dannica to Disneyland a few saturdays ago, and I felt the same way. It was frustratingly hot and crowded, but it's awesome because you didn't really let that steal your joy as much as you might think you recognized how amazing it was to have Captain and Janvier with you and that is joy in itself that's how I felt with little Dan the man it was all worth it to be with her. Oh and by the way when are you starting your Photo Friday+1 because I have a 35mm begging to be used and I really miss photographing the world. :) and you know hanging out with you would definately be a plus as well.
Those are fantastic pictures!
Maybe we just want it to be perfect because that's what Walt Disney told us it would be..
You know the sun will come out and all those bright shiny things.
Saturday is a crappy day to go anywhere, EVERYONE is doing EVERYTHING!
I think you are brave to even try it.
I love the 4th image of Captain! So cute. :)
Oh girl, I feel you here. I find it the hardest to admit to myself WHY I am picking someone apart. For me it's because of insecurity usually. Let's just blame it on Eve and the fall of man. = )
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