not feeling it.

"For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the powers, against the world forces of this darkness, against the spiritual forces of wickedness in the heavenly places." Eph. 6:12

i'm not feeling it right now. i feel like this is a bug that goes around much like this dreaded swine flu, but seems to be just as dangerous. i feel a bit broken, and am eagerly awaiting my God to fix me. i'm allowing myself to be swept up in the worries of this world. allowing that vicious sea to swell up, and carry me out to the depths of materialism and money.

this verse puts me in my place.

i can dig it.

amen.

i'm not really a morning person.

and by not really, i mean that i am absolutely not a morning person. so when nathan tried waking me up the morning before thanksgiving to go to the desert, i wasnt very responsive. so he decided to wake me with a story: (keep in mind nathan had just woken up at this point too, which makes this extra cute.)

once upon a time there was a prince named Vi and everyone thought he was gay because of his name. but he wasnt, and he hated it when people thought he was gay. Amen.

my husband is great.

miracle.

today our beautiful friends became parents.

for the second time.

for years we have earnestly prayed that her womb would hold a child, that their family would be blessed with a bigger family. we eargerly awaited to hear back and see if this was real, if she would finally become a mother of 2.

and sometimes i wish i never heard back. i wish i never knew the troubles the family had and the heartbreak of trying, and waiting, and hoping, and being broken.

but one day something changed.

on this day you were given a heartbeat. a hope. and since that day, my life has been better, and it isnt even my baby.

and the best part is that i just met him. i just watched him sleep and yawn and learn to move his fingers. i just saw a miracle.

not that seeing that belly grow month after month was no miracle, but seeing that boy, made is so real.

tonight, i saw Jesus.

i saw Him in the faces that stood around that room. i saw Him in the face of the new mother. i saw Him in this baby that has is an answer to many, many prayers.

thank you Jesus.

we are so excited for you Enniss'.

mary.

right now as i type this, i am sitting in front of my fireplace welcoming the warmth and it's amazing smell. the lakers game is on in the back round and my husband, sick as a dog, is laying on the couch cheering them on in his sweats and messy hair. duke is tired from the jog i took him on this morning, and has spent most of the day sleeping on varies items: the couch, the floor, my brush, the remote. he is just the most amazing rug i have ever known.

true story.

i have been having to 'up' my role around here. with nathan being sick again and duke having two ear infections, i have found myself running around like a mad women making sure nathan took his medicine, duke got his ear drops, we have the right foods for dinner tonight, does nathan have enough food while i am at school, do i need to pack anything before i go..? the list goes on...and on...and on...and on until my brain hurts and there is honestly nothing else i can do.

i was on my way to target (hallelujah!) when i saw a women sitting at the bus stop. nothing about her looks were noteworthy, nothing about the way she carried herself screamed "amazing". she was as average as they come- except for one thing.

she was praying.

she was sitting on this bench in front of one of the busiest streets in my city, hands folded, eyes closed, muttering her holy words of thanks and forgiveness. every word she uttered made me step on my breaks a little bit more until my car window was right in front of her. her eyes shut tight with no chance of her breaking this conversation with her God. her fingers were white with bitter cold as she continued to keep those hands held tightly around themselves while having a conversation with her God. with Jesus.

it brought tears to my eyes, for so many reasons. it was beautiful, it was hopeful, it was exciting, it was humbling, it was shocking. it left me hopeful and shameful. i would never sit at a bus stop and pray, it just isnt me. i couldnt be that vulnerable in front of millions of strangers. how could i? but the question isnt how could i. the question is who am i.

who am i that i cant even entertain the idea of worshiping my God on a bus stop. it isnt as if God isnt at that bus stop already. where is my relationship with God that praying out in public is as foreign to me as graphic design or India?

after i pulled into the target parking lot i sat in my car for a while, feeling the sun on my face and wondering where i went wrong. wondering how i fell so far away from that crazy love i felt as a teenager, when it came to me.

just pray.

i could not allow myself to feel one more minute of that pity or selfishness i was feeling seconds earlier, how is that glorifying to God? how is that going to help bridge this gap?

i sat in my scion and allowed the grace and mercy of God to rush over me and take me to a better place. i sat in that car with hands folded and eyes closed tight, genuinely glad to have a moment with just me and Him. thanking Him for today and for nathan. thanking Him for my amazing friends and an undying love for Him.

i dont know how long i sat there, but by the time i was done the sun had shifted and i was sitting in the shadows of the large building. i got out of the car and laughed: i had forgotten what i needed here in the first place. i almost got back in the car amused that God had brought me to Target just to each me a lesson, then i remembered that i had a sick husband and home and needed some more Tylenol cold.

all in all, i would say it was a good day.

and to you, the beautifully plain women sitting at the bus stop, thank you. you are a blessing and i dont even know your name, but i will call you mary. for no particular reason other than i think that name might fit you.

thank you mary.

the cough that wont quit.

it's funny how things change.

i have liked blogging in the past, but i am really starting to enjoy it in a different way. it soothes a part of me that i didnt even know needed soothing. i actually check my blog about 5 times a day, not even kidding, just to re-read or see if there are any comments from my lovely friends. i'm just digging it more, which is funny since i think people read it less.

it's also funny how nathan and i are changing. since my last, painfully honest post, we have been doing SO well. so well it has to be our God, in His enormous grace and forgiveness, that allowed us to be pulled out of the rut we were in.

we are laughing. we are giggling. we are reaching for hands and kisses and becoming more and more loving. more back massages. more jokes. more conversations. it is just such a bummer that the past 2 weeks took up so many opportunities to have more of these good days. and it couldnt have come too soon: nathan is sick.


he came home from work with a itchy throat and a cough that wont quit. he needed to come home, eat some lunch, and get to bed and i obliged. i have been serving him, taking care of him, massaging him, taking his temperature, and giving him his many doses of Emergency.

and honestly, i dont think i could be the wife he needs me to be if God hadn't fixed us. if He hadn't given us the amount of mercy that He did, i dont think i would be able to love nathan the way he needs to be loved.

that would have been a tragedy. a waste.

thank goodness we got out of those two weeks alive. God is so good, and we moved out of the way to see it just in time.

connect.

ugh.

what a painful few weeks it has been for us. we have been fighting and arguing so often it feels like we were on some fighting schedule- have a few laughs, have a fight. think everything is ok, have a fight. it was just like clockwork and honestly, we were starting to get sick of each other and all these fights. it was wearing on us to the point where we would opt for silence than for conversation, and would feel strained once one of us decided to talk.

we were so disconnected, and we could feel it with every awkward silence, every lost stare, and every empty conversation. he wouldn't touch me. he wouldn't reach for my hand. he wouldn't call me "babe" or "love". but who wants to touch the person you feel is giving you such a hard time. always harping on you, always finding something to argue about. it was this awful cycle of a lack of connection on his part so i would shut down, feeling hurt and abandoned and become someone he didnt want to spend any time with.

these two paragraphs dont even do our past couple weeks justice, they were just awful. just so painful it brings tears to my eyes to think about the past weeks we spent hurting each other and not being able to get over this hump in our marriage. and all this was just magnified by the fact that i did so poorly in my math class, i needed to drop it and take it next semester.

my only job right now is to do school, and i couldnt even pass my math class. i came to the realization one night after nathan had gone to sleep, that i have been getting my self-worth and self-respect from school. from doing well in school and from the success that comes with having a degree. i have been struggling with this for quite some time, so getting a "f" in math shatters my world. it fills my head with doubt, worry, anxiety, and failure.

i'm just not good at school. i'm just not scholarly. it's not my gift. and to be honest, i dont know what is my gift. i have been struggling and longing for an answer to this heartbreaking feeling i have, not knowing what God will have for me. why i'm here. what am i here to do? women who long to be a mother and know that rearing children is what they were made to do, have it easy. they know. they are filled with the peace of knowing that they will produce children and be a mother for the rest of their lives. they were made to be moms, and i dont carry that desire. i carry no such love of children or longing to watch them grow.

i feel oh so broken.

and last night nathan and i were having just another hard night of not talking and awkward silences. we decided to go to bed early and just loaf around, which, of course, turned into a miscommunication which lead to a fight. we ended up talking until midnight and really hashing out our lives and what we were feeling. our conversation ended with me sobbing into my husbands chest, unable to breathe, unable to feel anything other than a deep sadness of regret for the past 2 weeks and an unwavering feeling of failure. as a wife. as a student. as a woman. as a human.

and last night while tears covered nathans chest and soaked his shirt, we finally felt connected. we were finally brought together by our feelings of hurt, disconnection, and sadness. last night we finally went to sleep holding each other and feeling close again. feeling loved again. feeling hopeful again. not to say that our lives are by any means fixed, but they are getting better. it feels good again like sunshine on your face.

i share this with you all for many reasons. sometimes, all you need to hear is someone else say "us too. we struggled with that too. i know exactly how you feel". others need to see that they aren't connected, to anyone, and that is and awful feeling. a feeling of loss and sadness, but it doesnt have to be that way. others of you love nathan and i and love our marriage and want to see us grow, and we love you. we are blessed to have you. and i share this for myself. for my own sanity and growth, to see where we have come from.

to see where were going.

vigor.

i havent been sleeping well lately. i wake up multiple times throughout the night and i just cant get comfortable. i get on my side. no dice. roll over onto my back. not happening. try to curl into the fetal position just to catch some evading sleep, no such luck. it eludes me. it knows i am coming and it runs and hides, and i just cant find it.

i think this is because my mind is uncontrollable. i cant get it to shut off for 10 minutes so i can swoop in and grab that much needed sleep. but my mind is unforgiving and does not sense the urgency in my limbs that ache for sleep. my mind whirls and winds until i am laying with my eyes wide open feeling that sense of dread that i have a 'd' in my math class. and just as i wrote that last sentence, a small part of me says "who cares"? there are bigger fish to fry. there are more important things to spend my time thinking about and working towards. world hunger. world peace. sex slavery. the hungry. the cold. the lost. the childless. the widows. the orphans. the divorced. the rich. the sad. the lost. the angry. the hopeless. the broken. the beaten. the ignored. the unloved.

so many more important things to do in this world than worry about a "d". Lord, please dont let me spend one more minute worrying about my life, when i could be worrying about Yours.

when i die, on my headstone there will be my birthday, a dash, and then the day i die (June 13, 1986-). i want people to remember 'the dash'. the part in the middle that is the most important part but is the smallest. the least detail. says the least about me. but that 'dash' is all i have. it is all the time i have to save the world, and i am going to try.

i really am.

what a better way to end a great halloween. with hope. with vigor. with passion. with pumpkins.

Amazing

My day can be summed up in one word:

+

+

= Amazing.

the trees are beginning to change.

they are turning from their vibrant greens to deep browns as they scatter across our porch and cars. they sprinkle the lawns around me and crunch under my sandals and they make that amazing sound that words cant do justice.

and i am beginning to change too.

it's so weird, i have never enjoyed school this much. it may be because the stakes are now raised and i have given up so much for the chance, but i am really enjoying my science class. i am learning about elements and atoms and gravity and the complexities that have made my world amazing. honestly, this class makes me feel so small. so tiny.

i love feeling tiny.

also, our marriage is fun. i am enjoying the roles that we have grown into and the new things we are learning from each other. there will be so many ups and downs in any relationship, and i am so blessed that we have been on an 'up' for so long. our first six months of marriage was really hard, and since then it has been getting better and better.

i dont know if i can love him anymore, but i am always surprised when i do.

so in conclusion, the leaves are changing, i am changing, i love being tiny, and i am loving my husband more and more.

life is good.

longing.

so duke has this face.

yup, this is that face. it is a face he strategically gets when nathan and i are on our way out to dinner, to work, to school, on our way anywhere and there he is with this face. i firmly belief that this is his longing face. he longs for us not to go. he longs for us to stay with him and keep him company this huge house we have. even though all he will do is sleep, he wants to know that we are there.

and when we come back.

watch out.

he is running. he is barking. he is happy and cant wait for our slow hands to unlock the door that stands between us. and when that door unlocks, he attacks us with licks and happy eyes and it is a sight. it warms my heart and it makes me love him more and more.

and the coolest thing about duke, is that he always knows when we leave. there is no fooling him, he knows that when we grab our things and head out to that dreaded door, we wont come back for a while. he has never missed us leaving.

but i have missed God leaving. i have been so preoccupied with my life that i dont even notice that God isnt in the choices i am making. it doesnt even occur to me that he might not be the one driving me to do something. it is only when i hear that door open do i look around and notice that he has been gone, and my heart drops: how long has he been gone???

but he comes back, and when He is gone, He hasnt gone far. He just isnt where i expect Him to be, but He is there. on sunday i realized that i have been without Him, and He broke down that door with children from Africa, who live in the slums, leading me in worship. He showed me how greedy and ugly my heart has become.

but He also showed me how to fix it. He always does.

since sunday i have been looking for Him, and if he leaves, or when i leave, i hope to have that look of longing. i wont have to look very far in order to know what that longing face looks like.

prone to wonder

im a stay at home wife now.

kinda.

my summer job has since ended, and i am now going to school full time allowing the grace and blessing of nathans job to support us both. it was such a leap for both of us: such a painful breaking for me. i realized how dependent i was on that feeling of getting a paycheck, and i worried that not having a paycheck twice a month would allow nathan to feel that i wasnt pulling my weight. it didnt occur to me that being a good wife and a loving person was, in deed, pulling my weight.

i was petrified of what the future would hold, but this future has been turning out to be something beautiful. i am finding myself enjoying my nights off to do homework and make tasty meals for nathan and myself. i am finding myself becoming enthused and excited by the things i am learning in my classes. i am finding that i am sleeping better knowing that i am becoming more and more at peace with my life and where God is leading us.

i feel like i'm growing.

reading my last posts, i am humiliated and ashamed of the way i was treating the amazing blessings of my new "stay at home wife" status. i feel like i act like this often towards my God. i am prone to wonder.

i am prone to leave the God i love.

praise be to God that i came back sooner than later. i would have hated it if i spent one more minute engulfed in anxiety and frustration. and the same way the it came to me in waves, just these huge waves of worry and anxiety and helplessness- thats how it left. it left calmly and with mercy and i am growing more and more every day because of it.

hallelujah.

newness.

i love my mom.

true story.

yesterday was a hard one. i started school full time for the first time in almost 3 years. eek.

thinking back on it, i dont know why it was so hard or why i was so shaken up by it, but for some reason i had to choke back tears about 3 times throughout the day. how silly i felt trying to find my class while i have these huge tears threatening to spill out of my eyes and onto my green shirt. the green shirt that took me 10 minutes to decide i was going to wear.

yesterday had the possibility to be great. to be a blessing. but i wouldnt let it. i let my fear and anxiety take over and ruin the newness of the day. our lives are starting a new chapter, and instead of opening that book and taking a deep breath ready to open the pages, i put it under the bed afraid to face it.

i have been so consumed by my feelings of self worth and not measuring up, that i have forgotten about how those feels affect nathan. to have his wife feel that the life he made for us isnt good enough. that the hard work he puts in and all the sacrifices he has made dont measure up.

heartbreaking.

i was on the phone with my mom when she said all that to me, and i could actually feel my heart break. i could feel this squeezing feeling that left me so sad but ready for change. as i pulled into our parking spot my day was totally changed and when i got home i was different. today is going to be a great day. today, as i start 2 new classes, i will take this day as a blessing.

i will make this day great and i will do it not only for me, not only for God. not only for my sanity and soul. but i will do it for my husband.

thank you mom for being exactly what i needed. giving me the right words at exactly the right time.

i'm scared.

plain and simple.

i am terrified, but i dont know why.

i start school tomorrow. i am going back to school to finish up that few remaining classes i will need in order to transfer to a cal state. i am terrified because i have no job.

we have one income when we are so accustomed to having two. we will scrape by and be very uncomfortable for a period of about 4 months.

THEN, i will have to go back to a job i hate in order to help keep my family afloat.

i am scared to be going back to school.

scared of what that means for us.

petrified of change.

crippled by the unknown yet overwhelmingly aware that it is coming. like a speed train to my toes it will steam through me and shake both of our lives.

i am humiliated that it is taking me this long and that a friend i have grown up with since 4th grade is getting her masters.

i feel like a fool.

i feel like i have nothing left to give.

to be honest, i am sick of feeling.

but tomorrow will come whether i like it or not, and i will have to face the sunshine with either a good or a bad attitude. i will have to breath and walk and drive with the choice to be thankful or the choice to be broken.

i will choose west.

i will choose thankful.

i hope.

mirrors

nathan and i write letters to each other on our bathroom mirror, so that when we are getting ready, we can see beauty.

seeing the beauty we love in each other.

nathan wrote this one for me and is has made this week a joy.

(I wish it wasnt blasphemy to say that i love you more than anything)

25

a couple days ago nathan turned 25.

that may not seem like a big deal to most people, but for us, it's different.

nathan and i have dated since he was 16 and i was 14. sure, we had a few, how can i put this gently, awful relationships in between, and the joke amongst our friends is "how many times did you break up?" or if i am telling a story about us they say "now which time was this?". we havent spent ALL of those years together, but we have been in each others lives since then, in some way or another. i am so glad that i have known nathan since he was this cute teenager with blue bi-hawks and a thousand patches.

he is now a man.

a man that i have grown with, learned from, taught, worked with, served with, cried with, prayed with. we have experienced so much, it is breaks my heart to even think of what my life would be like if i married someone else.

as i write this he is doing the dishes from dinner, with huge headphones on, dancing around our kitchen acting like, well nathan.

in honor of nathans 25th birthday, i thought i would write 25 things about my man:

1. he's the most musically talented man i know, but he has no rhythm. like none at all.

2. he is covered with tattoos but i can still see all his freckles.

3. he always does the dishes after i cook.

4. he thinks i'm a good cook. (what a saint)

5. i LOVE the way he loves our dog, his heart gets bigger every day

6. he loves good steak, but mainly eats pasta or taco bell

7. he always orders the same thing at every place we go. always

8. the only exception to rule #7 is when we get donuts in the morning. the only exception.

9. he has the biggest heart i have ever known.

10. people just love him. i mean really love him; with good reason.

11. he is so respectful towards everyone

12. he giggles

13. he loves watermelon jellybeans and has me pick them out for him

14. he drinks about 3 cans of soda a day, it's actually really bad

15. he doesnt know any words to songs: just the timing and stuff like that

16. his showers are literally about 5 minutes long

17. he helps my parents with the iPod and computer needs, and is super loving about it

18. loves how excited i get, even though he doesnt get excited. unless it's about music.

19. sometimes will buy me flowers for no reason

20. likes to hold pinkies instead of hands

21. is good at everything he does. it's disgusting.

22. is a truly amazing teacher

23. hates shopping but takes FOREVER in a store

24. hates dancing- like me

25. thinks poop is funny- like me

thats my man.

he's so great.

the road less traveled

i have been struggling.

it feels that every day more and more burdens are placed upon my soul until it is almost impossible to breath. impossible to think of anything other than what i dont have.

there is no college degree to my name. there is an uncomfortable amount of money in our bank account. there is this awful feeling we will be stuck in a one bedroom condo for the rest of our lives. there is this closing in on me that this world is huge and i might never see it's vastness and culture.

these are things that the world and myself are telling me that are important. these are the things that will make my life happier and more eventful. a new house will provide a place for large celebrations with friends and family- as if our home now as not been filled with love and friendship since the day we moved in. we have loved in our home, found joy in making it ours, had friends over for delicious dinners and meaningful conversations, cried in it, lost jobs in it, had the best sleep of our life in it, had conversations that brought peace and mercy to a dark situation. so why dont all of those things make this a home worth keeping? why do more bedrooms, extra closet space, and a yard add to the peace that lives in a home?

i dont know.

why does not having a degree make me feel like a failure? i have learned more from being married than i think i ever will in a forum seated classroom. i have learned more about love, respect, mercy, forgiveness, trust, grace, and humility all by saying "i do" to the man who makes me whole. i have learned to cook (sorta), to be more efficient with my time and money, how to start and watch an amazing college group grow and become a place of comfort and learning, that i am not really the innocent and selfless person i thought i was, the fullness of falling asleep in the arms that provide safety and wholeness, finding that nathan was 'going without' so that i could be content and taken care of, working as hard as i can to make sure our family can stay afloat.

these are not things that ring in my mind as failing. these are things that, to the world, appear noble at best; but are really just naive ideas of life and marriage. that these things will not get me a good job, a nice retirement fund, fancy cars, and that dream house that i have been feeling so unsatisfied without. but to God, these are gems. these are the life lessons that make us better and more fulfilled. and only in these moments of staring at these cross roads and looking hard into both directions is God there. dont get me wrong, i think He's is on whatever path i choose, but i feel he is strongest at this point.

the choosing point.

the point where you make the decision: where will my life go? He's whispering and reminding and filling your heart with joy and comfort for the path that is right for you: even if it looks less successful.

and for me, a solid marriage and a happy home is successful, and i believe that God agrees. not that having a degree and buying your dream home is failing or unGodly- not even close. maybe, for you, that is God giving you your success. blessing you in ways that you have always dreamed, and sometimes He's not. in my case, He is not.

it has been a long and trying road to get to this fork. which will i choose? agonizing over the choices that i am making now since they will have so much weight 10 years from now. 20 years from now. as i am seeing my favorite students from youth group graduate high school and move onto amazing colleges to pursue an even more amazing life, i have slowly started to see a new path unravel before me.

a path that is slowly being paved for me. i imagine one of those magical brooms from Cinderella sweeping away dirt revealing a beautiful path. it is the path that gives me a degree, because i want it for me, not for the world. it also gives God the ability to move in me in different facets. it also gives me a happy marriage, but maybe not that dream home.

it is a path that i will start today: i'm enrolling in classes for fall later this week to start on this new path.

my soul has been soothed and comforted, reminding me that this world, will one day, fall away. this world is just a peak for the future: things that matter here will determine not only where i will want to be, but if i will actually get there.

Thank you God for being on that road.

Thank you God for being that road.

Saint Monica

last night as we were going to bed, i told nathan i wanted to do something fun today. something we dont usually do, something that enabled us to go outside and enjoy the sunshine, something worthy of taking up our saturday. so we woke up this morning, got ready, took the duke to kips house and headed out to our day date: santa monica.

as we drove we talked: a lot. we talked about jesus and our marriage. the things we want to see in the future with our church and in our lives- that conversation in itself was fulfilling and made our saturday glorious.

but it didnt end there.

we went to old navy for some stellar shopping- i couldnt find anything so we went upstairs to the mens section and on a table where they had the mens jeans we found them: the jeans. they were exactly what nathan has been looking for; right color, right size, right everything but no price tag. they didnt even belong on that table and we coudnt find them anywhere, but nathan tried them on and they fit like a dream. so we went to pay for them and we held out breathes as she typed in the code. our fingers shook, our hearts beat faster: how much are these magic pants?!!?!

$5.

it was amazing! it was perfect, and it was a great start to our day date. the rest of the day consisted of walking around and holding hands, it was pretty much perfect. we walked on 3rd street, walked down to the pier, ate burgers and had delicious lemonade, and did some pretty smokin' people watching.

the day was fun and now i am totally beat.

i think it's nap time now....

me and the hound

nate driving

the duke

us

santa monica

kid runnin'

beach.

wonderful

these people...

make my life...

a wonderful place...

true story.

i may be cured

first, let me start off with a humble thank you to all who were gracious and loving sending me texts, facebook comments (i think thats what their called...i'm still new) calls, gifts, showing up to one or all of my birthday occasions.

i feel beyond loved and special.

birthdays are a big deal for me. for me they are not just days that roll along with another number added to your age, it is a day of celebration. to be excited that someone i love was born on that day. to celebrate the life that has been led and the life that has yet to be discovered.

i love birthdays because they are so important. other people dont see them that way and that gets me into a little bit of trouble. i dont want to be showered with praise and worship on my birthday, but i do want to feel loved and that someone is celebrating me. that people are glad that i am alive, since i am glad so many of you are. i want to make sure that i am living in a way that people want to celebrate me. they want to be happy that i am alive and kicking.

on my 14th birthday i had a party: a bounce house and one of those 15 foot sandwiches from subway. i invited about 25 people and had on my cutest thrift store shirt and jeans and waiting to my guests to arrive: but no one came.

not one.

even now as my fingers type the story, my eyes swell with tears and i feel my stomach drop and my heart hurt. i still, after all these years, carry that hurt around with me. every birthday since i am always so weary that no one will come to my birthday, that people will find something better to do and i will become a distant memory.

i become expendable.

i know that this is something i must get over and i need to let the past be the past, but that is why birthdays are so important. the reason they mean so much to me, and as silly as it is, makes me feel like people want me around, they are glad i am around.

this birthday is so memorable because i actually felt that this time. for the first time in a very long time i felt celebrated and loved and enjoyed by all my friends and those that mean the world to me.

this was no ordinary birthday folks.

this one may have cured me.

nays and stepmom and dad sent me a flower cupcake...too cute

nay bought me a new clutch...dreamy

fancy new plugs

cheesecake factory fries

nay looks kinda like a creeper

more cupcake goodness

4 for 20 movies: heck to the yes

Come on down!!

i have great friends.

friends who make waiting around all day fun. friends who dont complain that they are tired or not feeling well even when they are. friends who are just fun to be around no matter what is going on or how long we have waited.

yesterday we went to a taping of the Price is Right for my birthday. we had to get there at 12:00 p.m. and didnt even get to be on a taping until 4:00 p.m. we all waited and talked and got to know each other a little bit better.

we finally got on the show and clapped and cheered until our hands could clap no more, and even with a group of 22, none of us got picked to go on the show! can you believe that?! only at the end there was a prize given out to the audience and Justine got it. nice job jean!

here are some pictures of the day, we couldnt take cameras in there so these are just from before and after the event.

thank you all who came and made that day so great, seriously, you are all the best birthday presents ever.

without rest

i have written 3 full blogs and i just couldnt bring myself to press the "publish post" button. i just have all these thoughts and worries and feelings going on inside of me, i cant put it into words. i still dont have a grasp on all that is going on to hold on long enough to try and do it justice. i guess the main feeling i have is restlessness. i just feel so restless with where my life is and i feel like my accomplishments are so few and far between.

my life just feels so blah right now, i dont feel i have anything to offer anyone. i am disappointed with myself and angry that my life looks the way it does. that was the best attempt i had and giving you all a glimpse into my brain.

i dont know much right now, but i know these pictures make me feel better.

Golly

im not going to lie, i'm stalling.

our house is a total and complete mess. when we got back from alaska it was clean and neat, and now it is just...well gross.

and the worst part is that i was supposed to hang out with a friend last night but she has to cancel because she needed to stay home and clean the house: what a show off.

actually she's not which makes me dislike her even more. but back to the issue at hand, i am so determined not to clean the house, i took pictures of how dirty the house is, but wouldnt actually clean it.

isnt that just the best?!

i hope these pictures make you feel better about your house.

yes, that is an empty, open jar of peanut butter

those bottles of shampoo and conditioner, are in fact, empty

why yes, that is my bathing suit drying on the floor

like how we are using the FAN as a clothes holder???

the comet doesnt do so good just sitting on the counter...

this kitchen doesn't look grrrreeeeaaattt!

to be fair, after i took all these pictures i realized how awful our house really is, and will clean it later today.

i swear.

wake up

when you go to the doctors to hear a heartbeat that doesnt exist

when you spend endless nights unable to sleep knowing your body wont take a baby

when it puts a strain on your marriage and body knowing your chances of a baby is almost impossible

when you finally come to grips with knowing you will only have one child

when you have to tell people you are no longer pregnant

when you have given up hope of giving your sweet son a sibling

when there is no hope, little faith and an emptiness that wont be filled...

a moment comes. this moment is when you find out that you are pregnant: it must feel like your dreaming, and that it cant be real.

but it is.

and you are.

we are beyond happy and proud of you guys and cant wait to meet her (or him but i think its a girl.) =)

(sigh)

it's been a while.

nathan and i have been in Alaska for the past 7 days.

we hiked 4 miles to a huge glacier, went ice climbing on the glacier, and then hiked 4 miles back. we went kayaking with sea lions, eagles, and purple and orange starfish. we biked miles to a nature park and took in all the scenery of swaying trees, huge bees, and blooming flowers. we drank pure, deep blue water from a glacier. saw a moose. saw a porcupine. ate fresh alaskan fish off the market streets. got lost. saw darkness only begin to take place around midnight. took vast amount of pictures. bummed we didnt see a bear, whale, beaver, shark, or sea otter.

there are no words for the splendor or vast amounts of beauty that we saw. no way to describe the way the air tastes pure and cold and the sunshine feels warm and soothing. we saw so much beauty that it is weird being back to a place where there is no snow, no mountains, trash on the side of the road, traffic, and air that feels stale and stifling. it will be hard to transition to being back in civilization but we did miss our home, bed, friends, and of course, the duke.

also, we wanted to give a little shout out to some amazing people. truman and katie watched our house for us, which in itself is a huge blessing, but they cleaned our house SO well. dishes are clean, carpets have those awesome vacuum lines, counters are spotless, and everything is put away in its little spot.

thank you for being the kinds of people that you are. that want to leave things better than the way you found it. people who value others above themselves and with humility and grace.

thank you.

also our dear, dear friend who had a final exam the next day and picked us up at the airport at 11:30 p.m. who watched our dog and made him feel more loved and less like an orphan. who not only picked us up late, but at LAX and in traffic. who is a beast of a driver and got us in and out of there in less than 5 minutes.

thanks kip.

ok, enough jibber jabber.