Cant let go

I am becoming more and more frustrated with life.

as the days continue to pass with no promise of a job or school, my heart breaks a little more, and people are sick of hearing about it.

i'm sick of talking about it.

i'm sick of feeling it.

i'm sick of not learning and not trusting.

and when it comes down to it, i know that i wasnt trusting God when i had a job. i was on my own with my husband and we were making it fine. i didnt need God to be there and take care of me, i was doing it myself. and now that i know this, i refuse to apply it. 

instead i cry.

instead i am sad.

i dont listen. he whispers to me "i am taking care of you. i am breaking you now so you will be new later. you will be wonderful. you will grow. but you must trust me. you must stop fighting me. you must give yourself to me wholeheartedly. the only way to get out of this is with me, and i'm not done with you yet."

i know this. i believe this. but i cant apply it.

instead i apply for job after job that i know i wont hear back from. i know these people wont reply to my resume, i know that it will be overlooked with all the other unemployed faces right now. i know that it wont do any good to apply to 4 jobs a day if God isnt blessing it. and i dont believe he is, but i cant let go. 

i just cant.

pray for me. pray that my heart heals and i let go. pray that i will stop struggling. 

i will pray for all of you. with all this time on my hands i do a lot of praying, but i dont know how much learning i do.