my Jesus.

God has a way of working miracles.

miracles in the midst of seas of trouble that have the ability to swallow us whole. He has this way of working these miracles in such a manner, that you know that they are from Him and no one else.

it was not good luck. it was not by chance. it was not fate dealing you a winning hand.

it was Jesus.

last night i couldnt help myself, i was broken. the world had finally caught up with me and brought be screaming to my knees. i was feeling so many things, that my body was on overload and my brain could not catch up to process the pain and worry. on our way to our college group, i felt that i needed to tell nathan what i was going through- i needed him to take care of me. to calm me down and make me feel like there is hope.

but i didnt get what i needed.

i talked for about 5 minutes straight, letting out all the fears and anxieties i was having, and when i was finished i looked at nathan and he was just silent. it felt like he wasnt even listening, he wasnt even there with me in the car sitting in traffic. it was the final blow to my day, and i couldnt stop the tears from coming back. nathan is supposed to be the one who can give me what i need, what happened? it didnt help that we both have been so busy that we havent even hung out with each other this whole week: we so desperately lacked connection.

i feel like this is a recurring theme with us, but i digress.

so, after my time in the car, i needed something. my life felt in even more shambles and i felt so lost. i cant explain it, but as soon as we got to church, i knew that God had something for me, i just needed to be quiet and listen. so when it came to worship, i gave it everything i had. loud singing. raised hands. eyes closed tight. tears rolling down my cheeks.

He met me there and he told me something...

He told me that i get too much of my relationship with Him through nathan. that i have forgotten that i have my own relationship with Him that desperately needs to be maintained. He told me that the reason that nathan wasnt able to meet my needs is because sometimes, God needs to be the one to meet my needs, not nathan. i was reminded that i anytime i go to anything else, even something good like nathan, my needs wont be met.

i cried because i knew He was right. i lifted my hands because i was begging him to fix me.

and guess what, He did.

it is unexplained how i came to church with one attitude, and left with another one. i cant explain how my heart was melted away and made new by grace. i have no idea how my brain finally wrapped itself around my feelings and gave me reassurance. i just dont know why, but i know who, and it was my Jesus.

i had changed and i was new. i was able to tell nathan everything that had been revealed to me, and believe it or not (i think you just might!) it brought nathan and i together, finally. not only did God fix me, but he fixed us.

thank you all who worried for me and reached out a hand, you are the kindest people i know, and i am beyond blessed to know you.

all of you.