submission.

around 2 or 3 months ago, nathan and i just could't get along. nathan was starting up a new band and the only time all of the members could get together was on friday nights from 8 p.m-4 a.m. at first, i was all for it: nathan was so excited about this band and he said it would only be about a month. i could handle it for a month.

after about two weeks, i realized that i was starting to feel bitter and asked him if he could come home around 2 instead of 4. he agreed and for another 2 weeks that was fine. then little by little it was just becoming too much. i hated being home all by myself, and i always felt uncomfortable while he was away. we used to go out on fridays and we couldnt do that anymore since he had to leave at 7:30. he tried so much to make me more comfortable with the arrangements: he set up date nights and got an alarm system so i would feel more comfortable at home.

but it still wasnt enough.

after about a month and a half i asked nathan to start coming home at midnight. and he was so frustrated with me. it caused such tension in our marriage. he knew how much i hated it. he knew how uncomfortable it make me and what it was doing to our marriage and yet he still continued to go. and i knew how much this meant to him but i still couldn't get over it. after almost 4 months he just decided to stop going, but it was a hard choice for him to make and i still didn't get what i wanted.

i wanted him to choose me.

it was miserable.

even writing about it, i start to feel the sadness and frustration i felt while this was going on. it was one of the most painful times in our marriage, and it was made even worse by our reaction to it.

we haven't thought of that in months, but last night at the marriage seminar last night, it came up again, but this time we had much deeper feelings about it.

we went over what the bible says about marriage, more specifically in Ephesians:

Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. ²³ For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. ²⁴ Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything ²⁵ Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her ²⁶ to make her holy, cleansing^{a]" style="line-height: 0.5em; ">[a]} her by the washing with water through the word, ²⁷ and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. ²⁸ In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. ²⁹ After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church— ³⁰ for we are members of his body. ³¹“For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.”^{b]" style="line-height: 0.5em; ">[b]} ³² This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. ³³ However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.

^{I have heard and read that scripture at least fifty times, but God is gracious and often allows us to hear His word differently each time.}

^{and this time was no different.}

^{immediately as my pastor was reading that scripture my mind reeled back to that time 3 months ago when nathan and i couldn't get past our issues of bitterness and frustration. our pastor talked about how when the husband isnt laying down his life for his spouse yet his wife continues to nag or appeal to her husband until he finally agrees, we take away from God. Imagine the lesson that God was trying to teach the husband AND the wife, but the wife was sick of the situation and no longer could take it.}

^{that was us. knowing that my control for the situation was so great, i got in the way of the lessons that God was trying to show us as husband and wife. imagine the grace and growth both of us would have felt if i would have just kept my big mouth shut? or the amount of love i would have felt from nathan if he made the choice himself to quit.}

^{all i can do is imagine.}

^{and feel a deep sense of sadness. it is an awful feeling to know that i got in the way of something amazing. my need for control took away intimacy, trust, and respect from my marriage. needless to say, last night was a rough one.}

but thank God that i have a husband who kind and gracious. as soon as we got into the car we both broke down with endless apologies of how we both handled that situation. he apologized for being stubborn and all the hurt i had because of him. he apologized for not laying down his life for me and putting his ambitions before my comfort. and with teary eyes i apologized for not submitting to him and continuing to push the issue. that i had turned into a nag and was someone that he no longer wanted to be around. i apologized for getting in the way of the holy spirit and the lessons He had for our marriage.

we went to bed with full hearts and a new found love for that scripture. we committed to making our roles more defined and also being encouraging of each other when we do great, and be gracious when we don't.

this fits in perfectly with being thankful. the two of us are beyond thankful for the love of our God. the grace and forgiveness He gives us and allows us to give each other. thankful that he revealed Himself to us in order to make our marriage better.

to make our relationship with Him better. submitting is worship. laying down your life is worship. it glorifies our God. that is so encouraging because when submitting gets hard and laying down your life gets hard, it is worth it. for no other reason than because our God is worth it. our spouse is worth it.

hallelujah.