God bless nat king cole

my neck starts to hurt as i keep looking down to attach little metal hooks to ornaments, and nay is on the computer. my fingers start to tremble from holding the ornaments in my hand so long, and i am concentrating on just getting this last hook in. "want to listen to some music?" my loving husband asks me. normally bells would have gone off, but we just got a new dock for our iPod and i know he wanted to get some good use out of it.

while my mind is busy, nathan walks over and puts some music on, and sits back down to tend to whatever was keeping his attention at the computer. it is silent for a few brief moments as i am getting things settled, and my ears perk. my heart beats faster. my hands tighten. my eyes get wide and i look up and nathan. it's my song, and it's just for me.

my song.

being played just for me.

the melody dances over me and my whole day brightens. my spirits lift and my heart is smiling.

he came through like i always hoped he would.

throughout our marriage we have struggled with a lot of things, but one mostly. the dreaded, most devious of them all: expectations. they creep into your mind without you knowing it, and they take hold. everything now gets up into a category whether it is good or bad: he didnt take out the trash, he forgot my birthday, he bought my flowers, he said this, he didnt say that...the list goes on and on, until i am left standing with a pile of failed attempts and a frustrated heart.

my poor husband is subject to expectations that are not only irrelevant, but ridiculous and absurd. every single word or phrase is analyzed to the tenth degree, and he cant stand up to my scrutiny. i knew enough was enough a couple weeks ago- the night of a particularly bad argument. i was laying in bed, almost asleep when nathan creeped in and laid next to me thinking i was already asleep. he leaned over and said 'i'm sorry i disappointed you again" in a hushed whisper and walked back out into the living room. i cried myself to sleep that night and promised myself i would let go.

let go of the things i think i want from him. to be really honest with myself and see what i need from him as a wife, and what i think that i need. to see that my expectations were ruining my husbands motivation and self worth, and who can blame him? living with a wife that demands excellence, yet doesnt see how less than perfect she is as a wife. what an amazing affect those six words were to me- "i'm-sorry-i-disappointed-you-again".

heartbreaking.

especially now, with christmas around the corner, i have been very much convicted these past couple weeks. thinking about what really matters in my life: nathans self-worth as a husband. my changing to fit his needs and let go of mine. my understanding that my way is not the only way, and most times, it isnt even the right way.

and the truth is, what nathan gives me is better than what i want for myself. his desires for me are pure and kind. what i want for myself is selfish and self serving. he knows whats best, and i hope i always remember that. i hope that i always fear taking my husband for granted. i hope that i always remember he is my best friend, and the reason worth fighting for. he's my world.

we had our friends over tonight to help decorate the tree and have some treats. we had eggnog, apple cider, and hot chocolate with whipped cream and sprinkes and some white chcolate chip macadamia nut cookies. you guessed it, they were fresh from the oven. while the house smelt of cookies and cider, the boys played Wii and janvier and i decorated the tree and took pictures. i love these people. when we are all together, laughing and joking around, we are home. our home is with the people we love and cherish.

we love being home.