The end

i've been doing a lot of thinking lately. you see, i have a job where i spend a lot of time doing small tasks, and those small tasks require little to no thought on my part, so i do a lot of day dreaming:

if i would win if i got into a fist fight.
what my life would be like if a married someone else.
if i started when i was little, would i be an expert chess player.
if i didnt mess around in school, would i be going to a fancy college.
would i be a good mom.
should we get another dog.

just all these random thoughts. another thought that came to mind was this blog.

no one reads it.

no one is interested.

and that is totally cool. our lives are not interesting enough to plug in every few times a month to see whats going on. so unless i find something earth shattering to write about, this will be my last post.

thank you all for reading it and wanting to be furniture in our weird lives. you guys are great.

Ode to floating

the other morning when nathan woke up and looked really sad. i rolled over and started my day by asking him how he slept.

nay: not good. i had a dream i cheated on you.

me: really? thats no good, but it's only a dream.

nay: yeah but i had one the other night i cheated on you and i woke up sad then too.

me: two times doesnt make it true. what happened in your dream anyway?

nay: i was at some pool party with some girl and i was floating on my back and thats how i knew the dream couldnt be real.

me: (smiling) because you cant float in real life? thats how you knew you were dreaming??

nay: yeah.

me: (laughing) your silly.

No such title

this past weekend was profound to say the least.

this past weekend nathans grandpa celebrated his 80th birthday.

his friends were there, his family was there, his whole life was in that room.

it took place at this wonderful hotel in moro bay. the room we were in had a beautiful view of the ocean and the sunset with boats floating lazily in the cool water. the sun was blinding and filled the room with a warmth we hadnt felt all weekend. nathans dad went to go pick up his father while we all waited in the comfort of our private room.

light swept around us as we waited in eager anticipation for this man. this man who has lived 80 years and still going. he has seen war, and death, and life, and technology grow into something a man of his age can no longer comprehend. we waited for him to come and see us all who have traveled from around the states to him. we waited with our glasses sweating with condensation putting small drips on the brown carpet.

we saw them out of the corner of the closed doors and positioned ourselves for the arrival. the doors opened and with excitement we all screamed "HAPPY BIRTHDAY!" and he stopped. he was speechless. he couldnt move into the room: his legs wouldnt allow it. 

his small bright eyes scanned the room at all of our faces and he just took it all in: the faces, the sunshine, the boats, the fireplace all of it needed a specific spot in his memory so he wouldnt forget. he finally took his coat off and hugged us all with earnest arms while trying to find his place in the room.

finally we sat and made small talk, and he thanked us all for coming, he was humbled by our presence and was speechless.

it all got me thinking.

about life. about my husband. about the people i love.

i hope that one day people will wait in eager anticipation for me. that they will long to see me to celebrate this day with me. that i will be humbled by their presence.

the other weekend we were coming back from college camp in big bear when we saw an accident. we couldnt see the car in the accident but we could see a car that looked like one of ours on the side of the road talking to police. i thought the car in the accident was kips car.

my heart stopped.

my eyes teared.

thats our kip. he is our marriages best friend. he is my husbands brother and lifelong partner in crime. i thought that mangled car was kips. a car filled with people i love and dont want to live my life without. 

this 80th birthday made me think of these people and my life without them, and it is a sad life. a life that i cant say i would want to live without them. 

my hope is that we can all feel that way. we can all find those people that make our lives worth living and worth feeling for. what is life without the kips?

I have a Vision

i come baring good news:

i am employed and our college group just had their first winter camp.

both were huge blessings and answered prayers. the job has some really great perks to it: casual dress, great hours, good boss, close to home, on my way to school, and it's part time. it is everything i was hoping it would be and everything i didnt think i could find. it was as if all these wonderful puzzle pieces got together and decided, by the grace of God, to help me find an answered prayer: a job.

i am overcome with joy from the huge amounts of encouragement and hope i received from my friends and family. everyone pulled together to bring us kind words, hope, calls, letters, and extremely generous checks, all to make us feel a little more human. a little more like people. and our college retreat was the cherry on top.

we all went to this extremely tacky cabin in big bear and ate like kings, made our own hill to go sledding down, played more card games than known to man, talked about everything, laughed until someone snorted, and learned a ton about each other; about our new family.

here are some pictures for your viewing pleasure!

"you seem like a nice person"

this is my third time in line. i swear this woman must hate me. i hand her my application and she puts all of my information into the computer so i can sign up for classes. she takes my application and starts imputing my information as if i is no big deal. but to me, right at this moment, that information is all i have.

just a name and a social.

so she puts all my information in and motions for me to go over to the computers surrounding her. computers that only moments ago were plastered with "out of order" signs. computers that are hooked up to a server which has been down for days. with no server there is no classes, and with no classes, there is no where for me to go. 

but as fate would have it, the same moment i am in line waiting to sign up for classes, the system turns back on, and i enroll in a class. a class with the perfect time so i can still work in the mornings. a class that will help me to graduate. a class that should have no room for me.

but it did.

and i'm a student again.

so i leave campus with this amazing feeling. this feelings of thanks and someone watching over me. i'm finally getting somewhere.

what relief. what encouragement. what an answered prayer. and i dont think it can get much better.

but it does.

i hear back about a possible job. a call that will come in tomorrow. and it might.

but it might not.

but right now it doesnt matter. right now God is here. he is stretching me and making me new and with the help of Him, some friends, and some fresh air, i am becoming new. i am getting too big for this old skin and i need a new one.

it has been painful: sometimes too painful for words. but now: now is now. and now is good. now is filled with possibilities for tomorrow. i am seeing these days as blank pages instead of days already written for me. the comfort of a new crisp page makes me smile as i write this. he is here and he is providing in a way i never would have thought possible.

i went to the dentist today. a visit i was not thrilled about for many reasons: 1. no one likes getting cavities filled 2. this visit was supposed to cost me $355.

it cost me $50.

i called the dentists office when they gave me the numbers, and i told them i couldnt pay that much. i told them i know my insurance covers all that i needed to get done, and i didnt know what this $355 was coming from. we ended up getting it down to $245 and we got off the phone, but i still couldnt hang. i called back AGAIN, and broke down. i told her i couldnt pay $245, i just got laid off, i needed only what my insurance would cover and nothing more. by the grace of God they agreed and i went in to only pay a deductible. 

but when i got in the dentists chair, he told me that he understood my position and he was going to give me everything i needed for free. everything that would cost me $245 would now be free. why? 

because he said i seemed like a nice person.

because in the end, it wouldnt cost the office as much as they thought it would.

i sat in that chair with my mouth numb as hell and a drill in my face, and it took every ounce of me not to cry. i closed my eyes tight and thanked God. the whole time they worked on my mouth i couldnt stop by thanking Him.

who knew?

God knew. He still knows, and i feel like a fool for forgetting that.

Cant let go

I am becoming more and more frustrated with life.

as the days continue to pass with no promise of a job or school, my heart breaks a little more, and people are sick of hearing about it.

i'm sick of talking about it.

i'm sick of feeling it.

i'm sick of not learning and not trusting.

and when it comes down to it, i know that i wasnt trusting God when i had a job. i was on my own with my husband and we were making it fine. i didnt need God to be there and take care of me, i was doing it myself. and now that i know this, i refuse to apply it. 

instead i cry.

instead i am sad.

i dont listen. he whispers to me "i am taking care of you. i am breaking you now so you will be new later. you will be wonderful. you will grow. but you must trust me. you must stop fighting me. you must give yourself to me wholeheartedly. the only way to get out of this is with me, and i'm not done with you yet."

i know this. i believe this. but i cant apply it.

instead i apply for job after job that i know i wont hear back from. i know these people wont reply to my resume, i know that it will be overlooked with all the other unemployed faces right now. i know that it wont do any good to apply to 4 jobs a day if God isnt blessing it. and i dont believe he is, but i cant let go. 

i just cant.

pray for me. pray that my heart heals and i let go. pray that i will stop struggling. 

i will pray for all of you. with all this time on my hands i do a lot of praying, but i dont know how much learning i do. 

Winter and wheat

me: what do you miss about winter?

nay: (confused) it's still winter- it's january!

me: i know, but it's 80 degrees outside! that is not winter.

nay: it's kind of winter...

i miss winter. i miss the snow on the mountain tops. i miss having a christmas tree in our house. i miss coming home to duke eating some new ornament. i miss hot chocolate and warm cookies. 

i just hate that i cant embrace the new. whats wrong with sunshine and warm afternoons? whats wrong with strolls on the beaches and lovely walks around the block??

i'm just not a fan of change. even if it is good, i dont like it. dont get me wrong, i would be able to adjust to the change of becoming a millionaire, but other things prove more difficult. 

for example: right now i am watching "family matters" and i dont want to change the channel just incase there is nothing better on tv and i just wasted my time channel surfing. but i am watching "family matters". 

sick. 

anyone else remember when it was on TGIF with "step by step" and "full house"??? good days.

anyway, this weekend was nice, and am becoming more and more comfortable with this whole unemployment thing. the sermon this sunday was particularly wonderful and reminded me to be wheat (this may not make any sense to you, but if i explain it will take too long, so just use your imagination) and not weeds. this life is short.

it will end.

it will carry us into something.

and that something depends on how we spend our time here. and whatever side we feed more (the selfish or the loving) will win. i want my loving side to win.

i think it might.