longing.

so duke has this face.

yup, this is that face. it is a face he strategically gets when nathan and i are on our way out to dinner, to work, to school, on our way anywhere and there he is with this face. i firmly belief that this is his longing face. he longs for us not to go. he longs for us to stay with him and keep him company this huge house we have. even though all he will do is sleep, he wants to know that we are there.

and when we come back.

watch out.

he is running. he is barking. he is happy and cant wait for our slow hands to unlock the door that stands between us. and when that door unlocks, he attacks us with licks and happy eyes and it is a sight. it warms my heart and it makes me love him more and more.

and the coolest thing about duke, is that he always knows when we leave. there is no fooling him, he knows that when we grab our things and head out to that dreaded door, we wont come back for a while. he has never missed us leaving.

but i have missed God leaving. i have been so preoccupied with my life that i dont even notice that God isnt in the choices i am making. it doesnt even occur to me that he might not be the one driving me to do something. it is only when i hear that door open do i look around and notice that he has been gone, and my heart drops: how long has he been gone???

but he comes back, and when He is gone, He hasnt gone far. He just isnt where i expect Him to be, but He is there. on sunday i realized that i have been without Him, and He broke down that door with children from Africa, who live in the slums, leading me in worship. He showed me how greedy and ugly my heart has become.

but He also showed me how to fix it. He always does.

since sunday i have been looking for Him, and if he leaves, or when i leave, i hope to have that look of longing. i wont have to look very far in order to know what that longing face looks like.

prone to wonder

im a stay at home wife now.

kinda.

my summer job has since ended, and i am now going to school full time allowing the grace and blessing of nathans job to support us both. it was such a leap for both of us: such a painful breaking for me. i realized how dependent i was on that feeling of getting a paycheck, and i worried that not having a paycheck twice a month would allow nathan to feel that i wasnt pulling my weight. it didnt occur to me that being a good wife and a loving person was, in deed, pulling my weight.

i was petrified of what the future would hold, but this future has been turning out to be something beautiful. i am finding myself enjoying my nights off to do homework and make tasty meals for nathan and myself. i am finding myself becoming enthused and excited by the things i am learning in my classes. i am finding that i am sleeping better knowing that i am becoming more and more at peace with my life and where God is leading us.

i feel like i'm growing.

reading my last posts, i am humiliated and ashamed of the way i was treating the amazing blessings of my new "stay at home wife" status. i feel like i act like this often towards my God. i am prone to wonder.

i am prone to leave the God i love.

praise be to God that i came back sooner than later. i would have hated it if i spent one more minute engulfed in anxiety and frustration. and the same way the it came to me in waves, just these huge waves of worry and anxiety and helplessness- thats how it left. it left calmly and with mercy and i am growing more and more every day because of it.

hallelujah.

newness.

i love my mom.

true story.

yesterday was a hard one. i started school full time for the first time in almost 3 years. eek.

thinking back on it, i dont know why it was so hard or why i was so shaken up by it, but for some reason i had to choke back tears about 3 times throughout the day. how silly i felt trying to find my class while i have these huge tears threatening to spill out of my eyes and onto my green shirt. the green shirt that took me 10 minutes to decide i was going to wear.

yesterday had the possibility to be great. to be a blessing. but i wouldnt let it. i let my fear and anxiety take over and ruin the newness of the day. our lives are starting a new chapter, and instead of opening that book and taking a deep breath ready to open the pages, i put it under the bed afraid to face it.

i have been so consumed by my feelings of self worth and not measuring up, that i have forgotten about how those feels affect nathan. to have his wife feel that the life he made for us isnt good enough. that the hard work he puts in and all the sacrifices he has made dont measure up.

heartbreaking.

i was on the phone with my mom when she said all that to me, and i could actually feel my heart break. i could feel this squeezing feeling that left me so sad but ready for change. as i pulled into our parking spot my day was totally changed and when i got home i was different. today is going to be a great day. today, as i start 2 new classes, i will take this day as a blessing.

i will make this day great and i will do it not only for me, not only for God. not only for my sanity and soul. but i will do it for my husband.

thank you mom for being exactly what i needed. giving me the right words at exactly the right time.

i'm scared.

plain and simple.

i am terrified, but i dont know why.

i start school tomorrow. i am going back to school to finish up that few remaining classes i will need in order to transfer to a cal state. i am terrified because i have no job.

we have one income when we are so accustomed to having two. we will scrape by and be very uncomfortable for a period of about 4 months.

THEN, i will have to go back to a job i hate in order to help keep my family afloat.

i am scared to be going back to school.

scared of what that means for us.

petrified of change.

crippled by the unknown yet overwhelmingly aware that it is coming. like a speed train to my toes it will steam through me and shake both of our lives.

i am humiliated that it is taking me this long and that a friend i have grown up with since 4th grade is getting her masters.

i feel like a fool.

i feel like i have nothing left to give.

to be honest, i am sick of feeling.

but tomorrow will come whether i like it or not, and i will have to face the sunshine with either a good or a bad attitude. i will have to breath and walk and drive with the choice to be thankful or the choice to be broken.

i will choose west.

i will choose thankful.

i hope.

mirrors

nathan and i write letters to each other on our bathroom mirror, so that when we are getting ready, we can see beauty.

seeing the beauty we love in each other.

nathan wrote this one for me and is has made this week a joy.

(I wish it wasnt blasphemy to say that i love you more than anything)

25

a couple days ago nathan turned 25.

that may not seem like a big deal to most people, but for us, it's different.

nathan and i have dated since he was 16 and i was 14. sure, we had a few, how can i put this gently, awful relationships in between, and the joke amongst our friends is "how many times did you break up?" or if i am telling a story about us they say "now which time was this?". we havent spent ALL of those years together, but we have been in each others lives since then, in some way or another. i am so glad that i have known nathan since he was this cute teenager with blue bi-hawks and a thousand patches.

he is now a man.

a man that i have grown with, learned from, taught, worked with, served with, cried with, prayed with. we have experienced so much, it is breaks my heart to even think of what my life would be like if i married someone else.

as i write this he is doing the dishes from dinner, with huge headphones on, dancing around our kitchen acting like, well nathan.

in honor of nathans 25th birthday, i thought i would write 25 things about my man:

1. he's the most musically talented man i know, but he has no rhythm. like none at all.

2. he is covered with tattoos but i can still see all his freckles.

3. he always does the dishes after i cook.

4. he thinks i'm a good cook. (what a saint)

5. i LOVE the way he loves our dog, his heart gets bigger every day

6. he loves good steak, but mainly eats pasta or taco bell

7. he always orders the same thing at every place we go. always

8. the only exception to rule #7 is when we get donuts in the morning. the only exception.

9. he has the biggest heart i have ever known.

10. people just love him. i mean really love him; with good reason.

11. he is so respectful towards everyone

12. he giggles

13. he loves watermelon jellybeans and has me pick them out for him

14. he drinks about 3 cans of soda a day, it's actually really bad

15. he doesnt know any words to songs: just the timing and stuff like that

16. his showers are literally about 5 minutes long

17. he helps my parents with the iPod and computer needs, and is super loving about it

18. loves how excited i get, even though he doesnt get excited. unless it's about music.

19. sometimes will buy me flowers for no reason

20. likes to hold pinkies instead of hands

21. is good at everything he does. it's disgusting.

22. is a truly amazing teacher

23. hates shopping but takes FOREVER in a store

24. hates dancing- like me

25. thinks poop is funny- like me

thats my man.

he's so great.

the road less traveled

i have been struggling.

it feels that every day more and more burdens are placed upon my soul until it is almost impossible to breath. impossible to think of anything other than what i dont have.

there is no college degree to my name. there is an uncomfortable amount of money in our bank account. there is this awful feeling we will be stuck in a one bedroom condo for the rest of our lives. there is this closing in on me that this world is huge and i might never see it's vastness and culture.

these are things that the world and myself are telling me that are important. these are the things that will make my life happier and more eventful. a new house will provide a place for large celebrations with friends and family- as if our home now as not been filled with love and friendship since the day we moved in. we have loved in our home, found joy in making it ours, had friends over for delicious dinners and meaningful conversations, cried in it, lost jobs in it, had the best sleep of our life in it, had conversations that brought peace and mercy to a dark situation. so why dont all of those things make this a home worth keeping? why do more bedrooms, extra closet space, and a yard add to the peace that lives in a home?

i dont know.

why does not having a degree make me feel like a failure? i have learned more from being married than i think i ever will in a forum seated classroom. i have learned more about love, respect, mercy, forgiveness, trust, grace, and humility all by saying "i do" to the man who makes me whole. i have learned to cook (sorta), to be more efficient with my time and money, how to start and watch an amazing college group grow and become a place of comfort and learning, that i am not really the innocent and selfless person i thought i was, the fullness of falling asleep in the arms that provide safety and wholeness, finding that nathan was 'going without' so that i could be content and taken care of, working as hard as i can to make sure our family can stay afloat.

these are not things that ring in my mind as failing. these are things that, to the world, appear noble at best; but are really just naive ideas of life and marriage. that these things will not get me a good job, a nice retirement fund, fancy cars, and that dream house that i have been feeling so unsatisfied without. but to God, these are gems. these are the life lessons that make us better and more fulfilled. and only in these moments of staring at these cross roads and looking hard into both directions is God there. dont get me wrong, i think He's is on whatever path i choose, but i feel he is strongest at this point.

the choosing point.

the point where you make the decision: where will my life go? He's whispering and reminding and filling your heart with joy and comfort for the path that is right for you: even if it looks less successful.

and for me, a solid marriage and a happy home is successful, and i believe that God agrees. not that having a degree and buying your dream home is failing or unGodly- not even close. maybe, for you, that is God giving you your success. blessing you in ways that you have always dreamed, and sometimes He's not. in my case, He is not.

it has been a long and trying road to get to this fork. which will i choose? agonizing over the choices that i am making now since they will have so much weight 10 years from now. 20 years from now. as i am seeing my favorite students from youth group graduate high school and move onto amazing colleges to pursue an even more amazing life, i have slowly started to see a new path unravel before me.

a path that is slowly being paved for me. i imagine one of those magical brooms from Cinderella sweeping away dirt revealing a beautiful path. it is the path that gives me a degree, because i want it for me, not for the world. it also gives God the ability to move in me in different facets. it also gives me a happy marriage, but maybe not that dream home.

it is a path that i will start today: i'm enrolling in classes for fall later this week to start on this new path.

my soul has been soothed and comforted, reminding me that this world, will one day, fall away. this world is just a peak for the future: things that matter here will determine not only where i will want to be, but if i will actually get there.

Thank you God for being on that road.

Thank you God for being that road.