prone to wonder

im a stay at home wife now.

kinda.

my summer job has since ended, and i am now going to school full time allowing the grace and blessing of nathans job to support us both. it was such a leap for both of us: such a painful breaking for me. i realized how dependent i was on that feeling of getting a paycheck, and i worried that not having a paycheck twice a month would allow nathan to feel that i wasnt pulling my weight. it didnt occur to me that being a good wife and a loving person was, in deed, pulling my weight.

i was petrified of what the future would hold, but this future has been turning out to be something beautiful. i am finding myself enjoying my nights off to do homework and make tasty meals for nathan and myself. i am finding myself becoming enthused and excited by the things i am learning in my classes. i am finding that i am sleeping better knowing that i am becoming more and more at peace with my life and where God is leading us.

i feel like i'm growing.

reading my last posts, i am humiliated and ashamed of the way i was treating the amazing blessings of my new "stay at home wife" status. i feel like i act like this often towards my God. i am prone to wonder.

i am prone to leave the God i love.

praise be to God that i came back sooner than later. i would have hated it if i spent one more minute engulfed in anxiety and frustration. and the same way the it came to me in waves, just these huge waves of worry and anxiety and helplessness- thats how it left. it left calmly and with mercy and i am growing more and more every day because of it.

hallelujah.