i have been struggling.
it feels that every day more and more burdens are placed upon my soul until it is almost impossible to breath. impossible to think of anything other than what i dont have.
there is no college degree to my name. there is an uncomfortable amount of money in our bank account. there is this awful feeling we will be stuck in a one bedroom condo for the rest of our lives. there is this closing in on me that this world is huge and i might never see it's vastness and culture.
these are things that the world and myself are telling me that are important. these are the things that will make my life happier and more eventful. a new house will provide a place for large celebrations with friends and family- as if our home now as not been filled with love and friendship since the day we moved in. we have loved in our home, found joy in making it ours, had friends over for delicious dinners and meaningful conversations, cried in it, lost jobs in it, had the best sleep of our life in it, had conversations that brought peace and mercy to a dark situation. so why dont all of those things make this a home worth keeping? why do more bedrooms, extra closet space, and a yard add to the peace that lives in a home?
i dont know.
why does not having a degree make me feel like a failure? i have learned more from being married than i think i ever will in a forum seated classroom. i have learned more about love, respect, mercy, forgiveness, trust, grace, and humility all by saying "i do" to the man who makes me whole. i have learned to cook (sorta), to be more efficient with my time and money, how to start and watch an amazing college group grow and become a place of comfort and learning, that i am not really the innocent and selfless person i thought i was, the fullness of falling asleep in the arms that provide safety and wholeness, finding that nathan was 'going without' so that i could be content and taken care of, working as hard as i can to make sure our family can stay afloat.
these are not things that ring in my mind as failing. these are things that, to the world, appear noble at best; but are really just naive ideas of life and marriage. that these things will not get me a good job, a nice retirement fund, fancy cars, and that dream house that i have been feeling so unsatisfied without. but to God, these are gems. these are the life lessons that make us better and more fulfilled. and only in these moments of staring at these cross roads and looking hard into both directions is God there. dont get me wrong, i think He's is on whatever path i choose, but i feel he is strongest at this point.
the choosing point.
the point where you make the decision: where will my life go? He's whispering and reminding and filling your heart with joy and comfort for the path that is right for you: even if it looks less successful.
and for me, a solid marriage and a happy home is successful, and i believe that God agrees. not that having a degree and buying your dream home is failing or unGodly- not even close. maybe, for you, that is God giving you your success. blessing you in ways that you have always dreamed, and sometimes He's not. in my case, He is not.
it has been a long and trying road to get to this fork. which will i choose? agonizing over the choices that i am making now since they will have so much weight 10 years from now. 20 years from now. as i am seeing my favorite students from youth group graduate high school and move onto amazing colleges to pursue an even more amazing life, i have slowly started to see a new path unravel before me.
a path that is slowly being paved for me. i imagine one of those magical brooms from Cinderella sweeping away dirt revealing a beautiful path. it is the path that gives me a degree, because i want it for me, not for the world. it also gives God the ability to move in me in different facets. it also gives me a happy marriage, but maybe not that dream home.
it is a path that i will start today: i'm enrolling in classes for fall later this week to start on this new path.
my soul has been soothed and comforted, reminding me that this world, will one day, fall away. this world is just a peak for the future: things that matter here will determine not only where i will want to be, but if i will actually get there.
Thank you God for being on that road.
Thank you God for being that road.
5 comments:
i missed reading your words. i love you. i think you are a strong, beautiful woman of God and i am so blessed to learn from you. i'm proud of the awesome decisions you are making right now, knowing that they are extremeley tough.
thank you for existing, casey.
You are on the right road. One that is hard and uncomfortable and LONG. But what is comforting to know is that we are all on it together. We all come to those forks and testing points. And we fail. We all fail. That is what is so awesome about the body of Christ. We've all been there or will be there eventually. But praise God that He is also there. And has been there. He is entered every intersection of choice that we ever will, and overcame.
You know all this. That is what keeps you going. And you are going strong. Keep up the pace, it's awesome. :)
You have left me so many comments and I have yet to comment you. I'm not going to lie to you, this blog was very touching. I myself sometimes feel as if I'm failing due to the fact I am jobless, living with my parents, and have yet to meet that special someone. But whatever may be going on right now, it's all leading up to something. And I put all my faith in God that it is something good.
hey girl, don't know if you remember me but found your blog and love it. willy went back to school last year to finally get his degree. it's a long, hard road especially when older with kids but we have been finding it a worthwhile one. good luck with your journey! you two do have a wonderful home together! some people have the big fancy stuff but no love in it and they are working so hard to pay for it that they are never home to enjoy it! so, at least your home is filled with life and love!
seriously, you are such an awesome example of a person who WANTS to be on that road. A lot of us say that we are willing to be on that road, but do we really WANT it? I love that it is super apparent that you want to be on that road with God, and I think He is super stoked that you take the time to think about being on that road with Him, cause he loves you so much. Your words are super inspiring, I love reading them.
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