the house.

This is our house.

It's small.

It's not finished.

But it's ours. It's our home.

busy.

it has been a while since i have blogged. life is getting so crazy.

this week is finals week, and even as i write this, i should be studying for the second part of my math final. i'm not, of course, and i am listening to Phil Wickham while i write for you good people.

ok, now for some news:

*we are starting on some intense projects in the coming weekends. anyone feel like doing some backbreaking work for your favorite blogger?
*finals will be done today!
*in about a month we are going to New York for Nate's sisters wedding.
*i have permanent assignments at work, which is HUGE.
*i'll be 24 soon.
*nay and i have been married 3 1/2 years! crazy!
*by the way, i seriously, absolutely, without a doubt love my job.
*nathan joined a basketball league on monday nights. i love cheering him on.
*i have brown hair now...i like it better. i think...
*i have been missing some friends lately.

I hate how when things get busy, because they will get busy, you lose touch with people. i hate that the hours fly by faster and the thoughts to call them has come and gone and you dont remember until right before bed when your falling asleep that you didnt call them. you forgot to tell them that you have been missing them. you forgot to mention life isnt as fun when they arent around.

life is lonely when your busy.

thank goodness life will get substantially less busy after today when school is over. i cant believe i made it through this week. i have my husband to thank for that, he keeps me sane. seriously. also, he is a great flashcard quizzer, so if any of you are in need, let me know, i'll loan him to you for a fair price.

ok, now i really need to get to studying logarithms, percents and statistics so i can take this final and be DONE and go to a Victory Dinner with my better looking other half (nathan).

love to you all.

bear.

dear nathan,

i havent seen you all day today, and guess what?

i miss your laugh.

i miss the way you give me a sly grin when you want me to do something for you.

i miss your sweet kisses and kind hands.

i miss your freckles.

it has been such a crazy journey on this road to buying a home, but there is no one else in the world i would rather clean up water with. sleep in a trailer with. have no electricity with. eat tons of fast food with. have no water with. have no washer with.

with you dear, i have so much.

i count you a blessing always, and know that we can handle whatever other silly things come our way. you are my best friend, and i love you more with every day. thank you for choosing me to be your bride, i promise i will continue to make that decision worth your wild.

wait.

i'm exhausted.

even my eyelashes are tired.

we are finally, and officially, moved into our new home. it is so exciting and surreal. when i wake up in the morning and look around, it is so weird to think that the wall i'm looking at, i own it. the new tile shower: all mine.

as i was making dinner tonight, i couldnt believe that kitchen i was cooking in was mine. we have been eating in our breakfast nook with our place mats and actually, talk during our meals. so foreign for the past couple weeks since we have been living off of taco bell and wendy's.

our house is almost complete, we are getting our washer and dryer hook-ups installed and should be finished by saturday. what an amazing thought, to be able to do laundry in our own home. no running down stairs to make sure we could get some washer and dryers. no carrying bags full of clothes up and down our stairs. i'm getting goosebumps just thinking about it.

sorry there are no pictures. i have thought of taking pictures but our house is still a little messy, i guess i'll have to get over it.

i cant wait for my garden.

cant wait for clean laundry.

cant wait for clean house.

cant wait to have amazing conversations in this house.

cant wait to have my first real cry in this house.

cant wait to sew my first...something.

i just simply cant wait.

brought us this far.

it's official: we've moved in.

the first day was glorious. beyond exciting and full of promise.

our dear friends gave up their beautiful Saturday's to help us move from our one bedroom condo to our new 2 bedroom house. they seriously went above and beyond, and all the looks of admiration we got when we told people we were all moved, was because of these wonderful friends.

there were of course some snags, such as the small issue of having no electricity. nathan called to get the power turned on and even though they are the only company who provides electricity to ALL of southern california, they dont work on the weekends.

say what?

so we went all weekend without electricity in the hopes that monday morning we could flip our light switches and charge our phones. we were cool with candles and lanterns, and it makes for a cool story- until this morning when edison came to turn on our electricity and there was yet another problem.

needless to say, we might not have power for another week. (insert sad/frustrated/angry face here)

i am trying just to breathe, and not allow my ulcer to continue to eat my entire body with worry. God has brought us this far, why would He leave us now?

and after all, it could be worse, we could be wandering for 40 years without electricity...

my Jesus.

God has a way of working miracles.

miracles in the midst of seas of trouble that have the ability to swallow us whole. He has this way of working these miracles in such a manner, that you know that they are from Him and no one else.

it was not good luck. it was not by chance. it was not fate dealing you a winning hand.

it was Jesus.

last night i couldnt help myself, i was broken. the world had finally caught up with me and brought be screaming to my knees. i was feeling so many things, that my body was on overload and my brain could not catch up to process the pain and worry. on our way to our college group, i felt that i needed to tell nathan what i was going through- i needed him to take care of me. to calm me down and make me feel like there is hope.

but i didnt get what i needed.

i talked for about 5 minutes straight, letting out all the fears and anxieties i was having, and when i was finished i looked at nathan and he was just silent. it felt like he wasnt even listening, he wasnt even there with me in the car sitting in traffic. it was the final blow to my day, and i couldnt stop the tears from coming back. nathan is supposed to be the one who can give me what i need, what happened? it didnt help that we both have been so busy that we havent even hung out with each other this whole week: we so desperately lacked connection.

i feel like this is a recurring theme with us, but i digress.

so, after my time in the car, i needed something. my life felt in even more shambles and i felt so lost. i cant explain it, but as soon as we got to church, i knew that God had something for me, i just needed to be quiet and listen. so when it came to worship, i gave it everything i had. loud singing. raised hands. eyes closed tight. tears rolling down my cheeks.

He met me there and he told me something...

He told me that i get too much of my relationship with Him through nathan. that i have forgotten that i have my own relationship with Him that desperately needs to be maintained. He told me that the reason that nathan wasnt able to meet my needs is because sometimes, God needs to be the one to meet my needs, not nathan. i was reminded that i anytime i go to anything else, even something good like nathan, my needs wont be met.

i cried because i knew He was right. i lifted my hands because i was begging him to fix me.

and guess what, He did.

it is unexplained how i came to church with one attitude, and left with another one. i cant explain how my heart was melted away and made new by grace. i have no idea how my brain finally wrapped itself around my feelings and gave me reassurance. i just dont know why, but i know who, and it was my Jesus.

i had changed and i was new. i was able to tell nathan everything that had been revealed to me, and believe it or not (i think you just might!) it brought nathan and i together, finally. not only did God fix me, but he fixed us.

thank you all who worried for me and reached out a hand, you are the kindest people i know, and i am beyond blessed to know you.

all of you.

ugh.

ugh.

i am feeling so overwhelmed, i have forgotten what it feels like to be whelmed.

i am tired. i have so much on my plate right now, i can hardly function. i have a 5-10 paper due in a week, 3 midterms, being on call for work, being a wife, having a messy house, buying a new house, needing to take care of a TON of paper work for the house, people not returning my calls, needing to do laundry, sleeping, taking care of my dog who just happens to be sucking every ounce of energy, and money might i add, out of my life.

duke has been sick for the past 5 days or so. and by sick i mean pooping blood and mucus, and waking up multiple times during the night to be let out to poop some more blood. i got about 4 hours of sleep last night, and spent the better part of today at the vet with him.

x-rays came back clear except for some gas bubbles which might be the cause of his tummy problems, but this last visit cost us $222. The last visit he was at (a week ago today) cost us $650.

as i look at those numbers, my ulcer begins to churn and burn and i can feel myself growing sick with worry and frustration.

so far, this month, is kicking my ass.

not to mention that nathan will be out of town for about a week, and i will be left here to deal with my full plate alone. the idea of that makes my stomach hurt too...

blogging world, i need your prayers.