bear.

dear nathan,

i havent seen you all day today, and guess what?

i miss your laugh.

i miss the way you give me a sly grin when you want me to do something for you.

i miss your sweet kisses and kind hands.

i miss your freckles.

it has been such a crazy journey on this road to buying a home, but there is no one else in the world i would rather clean up water with. sleep in a trailer with. have no electricity with. eat tons of fast food with. have no water with. have no washer with.

with you dear, i have so much.

i count you a blessing always, and know that we can handle whatever other silly things come our way. you are my best friend, and i love you more with every day. thank you for choosing me to be your bride, i promise i will continue to make that decision worth your wild.

wait.

i'm exhausted.

even my eyelashes are tired.

we are finally, and officially, moved into our new home. it is so exciting and surreal. when i wake up in the morning and look around, it is so weird to think that the wall i'm looking at, i own it. the new tile shower: all mine.

as i was making dinner tonight, i couldnt believe that kitchen i was cooking in was mine. we have been eating in our breakfast nook with our place mats and actually, talk during our meals. so foreign for the past couple weeks since we have been living off of taco bell and wendy's.

our house is almost complete, we are getting our washer and dryer hook-ups installed and should be finished by saturday. what an amazing thought, to be able to do laundry in our own home. no running down stairs to make sure we could get some washer and dryers. no carrying bags full of clothes up and down our stairs. i'm getting goosebumps just thinking about it.

sorry there are no pictures. i have thought of taking pictures but our house is still a little messy, i guess i'll have to get over it.

i cant wait for my garden.

cant wait for clean laundry.

cant wait for clean house.

cant wait to have amazing conversations in this house.

cant wait to have my first real cry in this house.

cant wait to sew my first...something.

i just simply cant wait.

brought us this far.

it's official: we've moved in.

the first day was glorious. beyond exciting and full of promise.

our dear friends gave up their beautiful Saturday's to help us move from our one bedroom condo to our new 2 bedroom house. they seriously went above and beyond, and all the looks of admiration we got when we told people we were all moved, was because of these wonderful friends.

there were of course some snags, such as the small issue of having no electricity. nathan called to get the power turned on and even though they are the only company who provides electricity to ALL of southern california, they dont work on the weekends.

say what?

so we went all weekend without electricity in the hopes that monday morning we could flip our light switches and charge our phones. we were cool with candles and lanterns, and it makes for a cool story- until this morning when edison came to turn on our electricity and there was yet another problem.

needless to say, we might not have power for another week. (insert sad/frustrated/angry face here)

i am trying just to breathe, and not allow my ulcer to continue to eat my entire body with worry. God has brought us this far, why would He leave us now?

and after all, it could be worse, we could be wandering for 40 years without electricity...

my Jesus.

God has a way of working miracles.

miracles in the midst of seas of trouble that have the ability to swallow us whole. He has this way of working these miracles in such a manner, that you know that they are from Him and no one else.

it was not good luck. it was not by chance. it was not fate dealing you a winning hand.

it was Jesus.

last night i couldnt help myself, i was broken. the world had finally caught up with me and brought be screaming to my knees. i was feeling so many things, that my body was on overload and my brain could not catch up to process the pain and worry. on our way to our college group, i felt that i needed to tell nathan what i was going through- i needed him to take care of me. to calm me down and make me feel like there is hope.

but i didnt get what i needed.

i talked for about 5 minutes straight, letting out all the fears and anxieties i was having, and when i was finished i looked at nathan and he was just silent. it felt like he wasnt even listening, he wasnt even there with me in the car sitting in traffic. it was the final blow to my day, and i couldnt stop the tears from coming back. nathan is supposed to be the one who can give me what i need, what happened? it didnt help that we both have been so busy that we havent even hung out with each other this whole week: we so desperately lacked connection.

i feel like this is a recurring theme with us, but i digress.

so, after my time in the car, i needed something. my life felt in even more shambles and i felt so lost. i cant explain it, but as soon as we got to church, i knew that God had something for me, i just needed to be quiet and listen. so when it came to worship, i gave it everything i had. loud singing. raised hands. eyes closed tight. tears rolling down my cheeks.

He met me there and he told me something...

He told me that i get too much of my relationship with Him through nathan. that i have forgotten that i have my own relationship with Him that desperately needs to be maintained. He told me that the reason that nathan wasnt able to meet my needs is because sometimes, God needs to be the one to meet my needs, not nathan. i was reminded that i anytime i go to anything else, even something good like nathan, my needs wont be met.

i cried because i knew He was right. i lifted my hands because i was begging him to fix me.

and guess what, He did.

it is unexplained how i came to church with one attitude, and left with another one. i cant explain how my heart was melted away and made new by grace. i have no idea how my brain finally wrapped itself around my feelings and gave me reassurance. i just dont know why, but i know who, and it was my Jesus.

i had changed and i was new. i was able to tell nathan everything that had been revealed to me, and believe it or not (i think you just might!) it brought nathan and i together, finally. not only did God fix me, but he fixed us.

thank you all who worried for me and reached out a hand, you are the kindest people i know, and i am beyond blessed to know you.

all of you.

ugh.

ugh.

i am feeling so overwhelmed, i have forgotten what it feels like to be whelmed.

i am tired. i have so much on my plate right now, i can hardly function. i have a 5-10 paper due in a week, 3 midterms, being on call for work, being a wife, having a messy house, buying a new house, needing to take care of a TON of paper work for the house, people not returning my calls, needing to do laundry, sleeping, taking care of my dog who just happens to be sucking every ounce of energy, and money might i add, out of my life.

duke has been sick for the past 5 days or so. and by sick i mean pooping blood and mucus, and waking up multiple times during the night to be let out to poop some more blood. i got about 4 hours of sleep last night, and spent the better part of today at the vet with him.

x-rays came back clear except for some gas bubbles which might be the cause of his tummy problems, but this last visit cost us $222. The last visit he was at (a week ago today) cost us $650.

as i look at those numbers, my ulcer begins to churn and burn and i can feel myself growing sick with worry and frustration.

so far, this month, is kicking my ass.

not to mention that nathan will be out of town for about a week, and i will be left here to deal with my full plate alone. the idea of that makes my stomach hurt too...

blogging world, i need your prayers.

in.

(this photo has nothing to do with the post but i love this picture)

right now i am in my living room. in jeans. in a shirt. in a good mood. in a pair of socks with holes in them. in love with my husband. in school. in the middle of reading 2 books. in the process of transferring to a university. in a small group.

i'm in a lot of things. i guess the most exciting thing that i am in is...

escrow.

thats right blogging friends of the world, nathan and i are in the process of buying our first home! we are excited and blessed beyond all measure. we will keep you all updated with photos and more info as soon as we can.

thank you for all of your love and support. if you still read this, that is a blessing in itself.

(if you already knew this, then this is old hat for you guys!)

mysterious.

this saturday has been a nice and relaxing one. i woke up and went to breakfast with a good friend of mine, then we preceded to do what we do best: thrift store shop. we do this well because we have the same love for clothes, and the same love for keeping as much money in our wallets as possible. so we took off in search of cute tops, $10 jeans, and cute sweaters and i would say that is a great use of a saturday.

so anyway, as i was searching for a new wardrobe, i came across the jewelry section and found one of those necklaces that is broken in half where one says "best" and the other ones says "friend" but i only found the "best" part. it made me sad to see this lone necklace being surrounded by gaudy jewelry with broken clasps and strings of pearls with gaping holes. it made me think of all the times i had those necklaces and was so excited to give the other half to my best at the time. unfortunately, i have never had very good luck with friends.


i have had friends who abandoned me.

who have left me behind.

who have ignored me, have taken advantage of me, and left me for someone better.

looking at that necklace, it sent be back to 7th grade and all those feelings of being desperately alone and in need of one friend. i have cried out to my God in agony, begging for someone to understand me, and when they did understand me, they would still love me. i have spent more years than i care to count, friendless and empty in every sense of the word. my journey of life has been painful with no one to talk to.

but as i have grown older, i have found friends, and i ended up marrying the best one. but i never realized that not having friends affected me the way that it did. i am guarded but tend to get really close to people really fast. i expect to be let down, but am still shocked and surprised when it happens. i am a bundle of raw emotions with unrealistic expectations, and often times, it ruins the relationships that i worked so hard to get.

who knew that silly little necklace would have sent be back to 7th grade and the emotions that went with it? if nothing else, it has made me appreciate the friends i have now, and inspired me to examine myself to ensure that i am being the kind of friends, that my friends deserve.

i didnt think that i would find inspiration and comfort in the middle of a thrift store, but as they say, God works in mysterious ways.