expanding.

on monday i start my last semester at a community college.

finally!

the more that i have been thinking about it, the more at ease i am becoming with my journey for higher education. at first, i was so disappointed with myself that it has taken me so long to finish. friends that are younger than me have their degrees, and i was getting really down on myself for taking such a long time.

but now, things are different. i wouldnt change my life for anything in the world. the marriage that i have is because i took so much time away from school and actually worked on my marriage. we grew together and learned how to be married (and still learning) and i would much rather have a good marriage than a degree any day of the week.

so, this next semester will be a crazy one, but will also be one filled with joy and accomplishment. i will finally be outta there! (insert the end of Aladdin here)

also, work has been such a huge blessing. friends of mine have informed me that i tend to give up on things when they get hard (not big things, mostly just little things) and i almost gave up on my job working with special needs kids because of just how grueling it is. but, i have stuck it out and have really been learning volumes about me, and my character, and the beauty of people. i am finding that my heart is expanding, and i am learning to love in a way that i never knew possible, seeing past the stigmas and the burdens that come with loving another human being.

i dont know if this makes sense, but it all is fitting together like puzzle pieces in my mind. i feel like i am getting glimpses of what i was designed to do, and that feeling is making me fall more in love with my God.

thankful.

a lot has happened since the last post:

-school starts in a week.

-I am actually working now (hooray)

-my mom and I are going to a small group together

-we are getting closer and closer to get a house

-have been married a little over 3 years

all of these things have been wonderful and a joy and we have been thanking God for every moment of this journey.

when we were engaged, people really wanted us to wait until we were older and told us to get our lives together, but those 5 things listed above are things that we get to do as a married couple. we get to experience this life together instead of separately, and cant imagine our lives any other way.

life has been a blessing, and even if it wasnt, we would still be thankful.

(also, i just got back from the thrift store and bought a pair of jeans, a SUPER cute shirt, and a soft hoodie for $11. life really is good!)

not feeling it.

"For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the powers, against the world forces of this darkness, against the spiritual forces of wickedness in the heavenly places." Eph. 6:12

i'm not feeling it right now. i feel like this is a bug that goes around much like this dreaded swine flu, but seems to be just as dangerous. i feel a bit broken, and am eagerly awaiting my God to fix me. i'm allowing myself to be swept up in the worries of this world. allowing that vicious sea to swell up, and carry me out to the depths of materialism and money.

this verse puts me in my place.

i can dig it.

amen.

i'm not really a morning person.

and by not really, i mean that i am absolutely not a morning person. so when nathan tried waking me up the morning before thanksgiving to go to the desert, i wasnt very responsive. so he decided to wake me with a story: (keep in mind nathan had just woken up at this point too, which makes this extra cute.)

once upon a time there was a prince named Vi and everyone thought he was gay because of his name. but he wasnt, and he hated it when people thought he was gay. Amen.

my husband is great.

miracle.

today our beautiful friends became parents.

for the second time.

for years we have earnestly prayed that her womb would hold a child, that their family would be blessed with a bigger family. we eargerly awaited to hear back and see if this was real, if she would finally become a mother of 2.

and sometimes i wish i never heard back. i wish i never knew the troubles the family had and the heartbreak of trying, and waiting, and hoping, and being broken.

but one day something changed.

on this day you were given a heartbeat. a hope. and since that day, my life has been better, and it isnt even my baby.

and the best part is that i just met him. i just watched him sleep and yawn and learn to move his fingers. i just saw a miracle.

not that seeing that belly grow month after month was no miracle, but seeing that boy, made is so real.

tonight, i saw Jesus.

i saw Him in the faces that stood around that room. i saw Him in the face of the new mother. i saw Him in this baby that has is an answer to many, many prayers.

thank you Jesus.

we are so excited for you Enniss'.

mary.

right now as i type this, i am sitting in front of my fireplace welcoming the warmth and it's amazing smell. the lakers game is on in the back round and my husband, sick as a dog, is laying on the couch cheering them on in his sweats and messy hair. duke is tired from the jog i took him on this morning, and has spent most of the day sleeping on varies items: the couch, the floor, my brush, the remote. he is just the most amazing rug i have ever known.

true story.

i have been having to 'up' my role around here. with nathan being sick again and duke having two ear infections, i have found myself running around like a mad women making sure nathan took his medicine, duke got his ear drops, we have the right foods for dinner tonight, does nathan have enough food while i am at school, do i need to pack anything before i go..? the list goes on...and on...and on...and on until my brain hurts and there is honestly nothing else i can do.

i was on my way to target (hallelujah!) when i saw a women sitting at the bus stop. nothing about her looks were noteworthy, nothing about the way she carried herself screamed "amazing". she was as average as they come- except for one thing.

she was praying.

she was sitting on this bench in front of one of the busiest streets in my city, hands folded, eyes closed, muttering her holy words of thanks and forgiveness. every word she uttered made me step on my breaks a little bit more until my car window was right in front of her. her eyes shut tight with no chance of her breaking this conversation with her God. her fingers were white with bitter cold as she continued to keep those hands held tightly around themselves while having a conversation with her God. with Jesus.

it brought tears to my eyes, for so many reasons. it was beautiful, it was hopeful, it was exciting, it was humbling, it was shocking. it left me hopeful and shameful. i would never sit at a bus stop and pray, it just isnt me. i couldnt be that vulnerable in front of millions of strangers. how could i? but the question isnt how could i. the question is who am i.

who am i that i cant even entertain the idea of worshiping my God on a bus stop. it isnt as if God isnt at that bus stop already. where is my relationship with God that praying out in public is as foreign to me as graphic design or India?

after i pulled into the target parking lot i sat in my car for a while, feeling the sun on my face and wondering where i went wrong. wondering how i fell so far away from that crazy love i felt as a teenager, when it came to me.

just pray.

i could not allow myself to feel one more minute of that pity or selfishness i was feeling seconds earlier, how is that glorifying to God? how is that going to help bridge this gap?

i sat in my scion and allowed the grace and mercy of God to rush over me and take me to a better place. i sat in that car with hands folded and eyes closed tight, genuinely glad to have a moment with just me and Him. thanking Him for today and for nathan. thanking Him for my amazing friends and an undying love for Him.

i dont know how long i sat there, but by the time i was done the sun had shifted and i was sitting in the shadows of the large building. i got out of the car and laughed: i had forgotten what i needed here in the first place. i almost got back in the car amused that God had brought me to Target just to each me a lesson, then i remembered that i had a sick husband and home and needed some more Tylenol cold.

all in all, i would say it was a good day.

and to you, the beautifully plain women sitting at the bus stop, thank you. you are a blessing and i dont even know your name, but i will call you mary. for no particular reason other than i think that name might fit you.

thank you mary.

the cough that wont quit.

it's funny how things change.

i have liked blogging in the past, but i am really starting to enjoy it in a different way. it soothes a part of me that i didnt even know needed soothing. i actually check my blog about 5 times a day, not even kidding, just to re-read or see if there are any comments from my lovely friends. i'm just digging it more, which is funny since i think people read it less.

it's also funny how nathan and i are changing. since my last, painfully honest post, we have been doing SO well. so well it has to be our God, in His enormous grace and forgiveness, that allowed us to be pulled out of the rut we were in.

we are laughing. we are giggling. we are reaching for hands and kisses and becoming more and more loving. more back massages. more jokes. more conversations. it is just such a bummer that the past 2 weeks took up so many opportunities to have more of these good days. and it couldnt have come too soon: nathan is sick.


he came home from work with a itchy throat and a cough that wont quit. he needed to come home, eat some lunch, and get to bed and i obliged. i have been serving him, taking care of him, massaging him, taking his temperature, and giving him his many doses of Emergency.

and honestly, i dont think i could be the wife he needs me to be if God hadn't fixed us. if He hadn't given us the amount of mercy that He did, i dont think i would be able to love nathan the way he needs to be loved.

that would have been a tragedy. a waste.

thank goodness we got out of those two weeks alive. God is so good, and we moved out of the way to see it just in time.