25

a couple days ago nathan turned 25.

that may not seem like a big deal to most people, but for us, it's different.

nathan and i have dated since he was 16 and i was 14. sure, we had a few, how can i put this gently, awful relationships in between, and the joke amongst our friends is "how many times did you break up?" or if i am telling a story about us they say "now which time was this?". we havent spent ALL of those years together, but we have been in each others lives since then, in some way or another. i am so glad that i have known nathan since he was this cute teenager with blue bi-hawks and a thousand patches.

he is now a man.

a man that i have grown with, learned from, taught, worked with, served with, cried with, prayed with. we have experienced so much, it is breaks my heart to even think of what my life would be like if i married someone else.

as i write this he is doing the dishes from dinner, with huge headphones on, dancing around our kitchen acting like, well nathan.

in honor of nathans 25th birthday, i thought i would write 25 things about my man:

1. he's the most musically talented man i know, but he has no rhythm. like none at all.

2. he is covered with tattoos but i can still see all his freckles.

3. he always does the dishes after i cook.

4. he thinks i'm a good cook. (what a saint)

5. i LOVE the way he loves our dog, his heart gets bigger every day

6. he loves good steak, but mainly eats pasta or taco bell

7. he always orders the same thing at every place we go. always

8. the only exception to rule #7 is when we get donuts in the morning. the only exception.

9. he has the biggest heart i have ever known.

10. people just love him. i mean really love him; with good reason.

11. he is so respectful towards everyone

12. he giggles

13. he loves watermelon jellybeans and has me pick them out for him

14. he drinks about 3 cans of soda a day, it's actually really bad

15. he doesnt know any words to songs: just the timing and stuff like that

16. his showers are literally about 5 minutes long

17. he helps my parents with the iPod and computer needs, and is super loving about it

18. loves how excited i get, even though he doesnt get excited. unless it's about music.

19. sometimes will buy me flowers for no reason

20. likes to hold pinkies instead of hands

21. is good at everything he does. it's disgusting.

22. is a truly amazing teacher

23. hates shopping but takes FOREVER in a store

24. hates dancing- like me

25. thinks poop is funny- like me

thats my man.

he's so great.

the road less traveled

i have been struggling.

it feels that every day more and more burdens are placed upon my soul until it is almost impossible to breath. impossible to think of anything other than what i dont have.

there is no college degree to my name. there is an uncomfortable amount of money in our bank account. there is this awful feeling we will be stuck in a one bedroom condo for the rest of our lives. there is this closing in on me that this world is huge and i might never see it's vastness and culture.

these are things that the world and myself are telling me that are important. these are the things that will make my life happier and more eventful. a new house will provide a place for large celebrations with friends and family- as if our home now as not been filled with love and friendship since the day we moved in. we have loved in our home, found joy in making it ours, had friends over for delicious dinners and meaningful conversations, cried in it, lost jobs in it, had the best sleep of our life in it, had conversations that brought peace and mercy to a dark situation. so why dont all of those things make this a home worth keeping? why do more bedrooms, extra closet space, and a yard add to the peace that lives in a home?

i dont know.

why does not having a degree make me feel like a failure? i have learned more from being married than i think i ever will in a forum seated classroom. i have learned more about love, respect, mercy, forgiveness, trust, grace, and humility all by saying "i do" to the man who makes me whole. i have learned to cook (sorta), to be more efficient with my time and money, how to start and watch an amazing college group grow and become a place of comfort and learning, that i am not really the innocent and selfless person i thought i was, the fullness of falling asleep in the arms that provide safety and wholeness, finding that nathan was 'going without' so that i could be content and taken care of, working as hard as i can to make sure our family can stay afloat.

these are not things that ring in my mind as failing. these are things that, to the world, appear noble at best; but are really just naive ideas of life and marriage. that these things will not get me a good job, a nice retirement fund, fancy cars, and that dream house that i have been feeling so unsatisfied without. but to God, these are gems. these are the life lessons that make us better and more fulfilled. and only in these moments of staring at these cross roads and looking hard into both directions is God there. dont get me wrong, i think He's is on whatever path i choose, but i feel he is strongest at this point.

the choosing point.

the point where you make the decision: where will my life go? He's whispering and reminding and filling your heart with joy and comfort for the path that is right for you: even if it looks less successful.

and for me, a solid marriage and a happy home is successful, and i believe that God agrees. not that having a degree and buying your dream home is failing or unGodly- not even close. maybe, for you, that is God giving you your success. blessing you in ways that you have always dreamed, and sometimes He's not. in my case, He is not.

it has been a long and trying road to get to this fork. which will i choose? agonizing over the choices that i am making now since they will have so much weight 10 years from now. 20 years from now. as i am seeing my favorite students from youth group graduate high school and move onto amazing colleges to pursue an even more amazing life, i have slowly started to see a new path unravel before me.

a path that is slowly being paved for me. i imagine one of those magical brooms from Cinderella sweeping away dirt revealing a beautiful path. it is the path that gives me a degree, because i want it for me, not for the world. it also gives God the ability to move in me in different facets. it also gives me a happy marriage, but maybe not that dream home.

it is a path that i will start today: i'm enrolling in classes for fall later this week to start on this new path.

my soul has been soothed and comforted, reminding me that this world, will one day, fall away. this world is just a peak for the future: things that matter here will determine not only where i will want to be, but if i will actually get there.

Thank you God for being on that road.

Thank you God for being that road.

Saint Monica

last night as we were going to bed, i told nathan i wanted to do something fun today. something we dont usually do, something that enabled us to go outside and enjoy the sunshine, something worthy of taking up our saturday. so we woke up this morning, got ready, took the duke to kips house and headed out to our day date: santa monica.

as we drove we talked: a lot. we talked about jesus and our marriage. the things we want to see in the future with our church and in our lives- that conversation in itself was fulfilling and made our saturday glorious.

but it didnt end there.

we went to old navy for some stellar shopping- i couldnt find anything so we went upstairs to the mens section and on a table where they had the mens jeans we found them: the jeans. they were exactly what nathan has been looking for; right color, right size, right everything but no price tag. they didnt even belong on that table and we coudnt find them anywhere, but nathan tried them on and they fit like a dream. so we went to pay for them and we held out breathes as she typed in the code. our fingers shook, our hearts beat faster: how much are these magic pants?!!?!

$5.

it was amazing! it was perfect, and it was a great start to our day date. the rest of the day consisted of walking around and holding hands, it was pretty much perfect. we walked on 3rd street, walked down to the pier, ate burgers and had delicious lemonade, and did some pretty smokin' people watching.

the day was fun and now i am totally beat.

i think it's nap time now....

me and the hound

nate driving

the duke

us

santa monica

kid runnin'

beach.

wonderful

these people...

make my life...

a wonderful place...

true story.

i may be cured

first, let me start off with a humble thank you to all who were gracious and loving sending me texts, facebook comments (i think thats what their called...i'm still new) calls, gifts, showing up to one or all of my birthday occasions.

i feel beyond loved and special.

birthdays are a big deal for me. for me they are not just days that roll along with another number added to your age, it is a day of celebration. to be excited that someone i love was born on that day. to celebrate the life that has been led and the life that has yet to be discovered.

i love birthdays because they are so important. other people dont see them that way and that gets me into a little bit of trouble. i dont want to be showered with praise and worship on my birthday, but i do want to feel loved and that someone is celebrating me. that people are glad that i am alive, since i am glad so many of you are. i want to make sure that i am living in a way that people want to celebrate me. they want to be happy that i am alive and kicking.

on my 14th birthday i had a party: a bounce house and one of those 15 foot sandwiches from subway. i invited about 25 people and had on my cutest thrift store shirt and jeans and waiting to my guests to arrive: but no one came.

not one.

even now as my fingers type the story, my eyes swell with tears and i feel my stomach drop and my heart hurt. i still, after all these years, carry that hurt around with me. every birthday since i am always so weary that no one will come to my birthday, that people will find something better to do and i will become a distant memory.

i become expendable.

i know that this is something i must get over and i need to let the past be the past, but that is why birthdays are so important. the reason they mean so much to me, and as silly as it is, makes me feel like people want me around, they are glad i am around.

this birthday is so memorable because i actually felt that this time. for the first time in a very long time i felt celebrated and loved and enjoyed by all my friends and those that mean the world to me.

this was no ordinary birthday folks.

this one may have cured me.

nays and stepmom and dad sent me a flower cupcake...too cute

nay bought me a new clutch...dreamy

fancy new plugs

cheesecake factory fries

nay looks kinda like a creeper

more cupcake goodness

4 for 20 movies: heck to the yes

Come on down!!

i have great friends.

friends who make waiting around all day fun. friends who dont complain that they are tired or not feeling well even when they are. friends who are just fun to be around no matter what is going on or how long we have waited.

yesterday we went to a taping of the Price is Right for my birthday. we had to get there at 12:00 p.m. and didnt even get to be on a taping until 4:00 p.m. we all waited and talked and got to know each other a little bit better.

we finally got on the show and clapped and cheered until our hands could clap no more, and even with a group of 22, none of us got picked to go on the show! can you believe that?! only at the end there was a prize given out to the audience and Justine got it. nice job jean!

here are some pictures of the day, we couldnt take cameras in there so these are just from before and after the event.

thank you all who came and made that day so great, seriously, you are all the best birthday presents ever.

without rest

i have written 3 full blogs and i just couldnt bring myself to press the "publish post" button. i just have all these thoughts and worries and feelings going on inside of me, i cant put it into words. i still dont have a grasp on all that is going on to hold on long enough to try and do it justice. i guess the main feeling i have is restlessness. i just feel so restless with where my life is and i feel like my accomplishments are so few and far between.

my life just feels so blah right now, i dont feel i have anything to offer anyone. i am disappointed with myself and angry that my life looks the way it does. that was the best attempt i had and giving you all a glimpse into my brain.

i dont know much right now, but i know these pictures make me feel better.