longing.

so duke has this face.

yup, this is that face. it is a face he strategically gets when nathan and i are on our way out to dinner, to work, to school, on our way anywhere and there he is with this face. i firmly belief that this is his longing face. he longs for us not to go. he longs for us to stay with him and keep him company this huge house we have. even though all he will do is sleep, he wants to know that we are there.

and when we come back.

watch out.

he is running. he is barking. he is happy and cant wait for our slow hands to unlock the door that stands between us. and when that door unlocks, he attacks us with licks and happy eyes and it is a sight. it warms my heart and it makes me love him more and more.

and the coolest thing about duke, is that he always knows when we leave. there is no fooling him, he knows that when we grab our things and head out to that dreaded door, we wont come back for a while. he has never missed us leaving.

but i have missed God leaving. i have been so preoccupied with my life that i dont even notice that God isnt in the choices i am making. it doesnt even occur to me that he might not be the one driving me to do something. it is only when i hear that door open do i look around and notice that he has been gone, and my heart drops: how long has he been gone???

but he comes back, and when He is gone, He hasnt gone far. He just isnt where i expect Him to be, but He is there. on sunday i realized that i have been without Him, and He broke down that door with children from Africa, who live in the slums, leading me in worship. He showed me how greedy and ugly my heart has become.

but He also showed me how to fix it. He always does.

since sunday i have been looking for Him, and if he leaves, or when i leave, i hope to have that look of longing. i wont have to look very far in order to know what that longing face looks like.

prone to wonder

im a stay at home wife now.

kinda.

my summer job has since ended, and i am now going to school full time allowing the grace and blessing of nathans job to support us both. it was such a leap for both of us: such a painful breaking for me. i realized how dependent i was on that feeling of getting a paycheck, and i worried that not having a paycheck twice a month would allow nathan to feel that i wasnt pulling my weight. it didnt occur to me that being a good wife and a loving person was, in deed, pulling my weight.

i was petrified of what the future would hold, but this future has been turning out to be something beautiful. i am finding myself enjoying my nights off to do homework and make tasty meals for nathan and myself. i am finding myself becoming enthused and excited by the things i am learning in my classes. i am finding that i am sleeping better knowing that i am becoming more and more at peace with my life and where God is leading us.

i feel like i'm growing.

reading my last posts, i am humiliated and ashamed of the way i was treating the amazing blessings of my new "stay at home wife" status. i feel like i act like this often towards my God. i am prone to wonder.

i am prone to leave the God i love.

praise be to God that i came back sooner than later. i would have hated it if i spent one more minute engulfed in anxiety and frustration. and the same way the it came to me in waves, just these huge waves of worry and anxiety and helplessness- thats how it left. it left calmly and with mercy and i am growing more and more every day because of it.

hallelujah.

newness.

i love my mom.

true story.

yesterday was a hard one. i started school full time for the first time in almost 3 years. eek.

thinking back on it, i dont know why it was so hard or why i was so shaken up by it, but for some reason i had to choke back tears about 3 times throughout the day. how silly i felt trying to find my class while i have these huge tears threatening to spill out of my eyes and onto my green shirt. the green shirt that took me 10 minutes to decide i was going to wear.

yesterday had the possibility to be great. to be a blessing. but i wouldnt let it. i let my fear and anxiety take over and ruin the newness of the day. our lives are starting a new chapter, and instead of opening that book and taking a deep breath ready to open the pages, i put it under the bed afraid to face it.

i have been so consumed by my feelings of self worth and not measuring up, that i have forgotten about how those feels affect nathan. to have his wife feel that the life he made for us isnt good enough. that the hard work he puts in and all the sacrifices he has made dont measure up.

heartbreaking.

i was on the phone with my mom when she said all that to me, and i could actually feel my heart break. i could feel this squeezing feeling that left me so sad but ready for change. as i pulled into our parking spot my day was totally changed and when i got home i was different. today is going to be a great day. today, as i start 2 new classes, i will take this day as a blessing.

i will make this day great and i will do it not only for me, not only for God. not only for my sanity and soul. but i will do it for my husband.

thank you mom for being exactly what i needed. giving me the right words at exactly the right time.