Keeping up with the Jones

blogspot is SO last season.

2011-08-16T09:51:00.000-07:00

http://hardcorexjones.tumblr.com/

friday.

2011-06-03T15:46:00.000-07:00

i've been dreaming in technicolor lately and thought i might share.

happy friday.

1. purple

i've been wanting to make these

this guy on vinyl...magic

and these beauties growing in my backyard

2. brown

homemade table...swoon

sun tea- my newest addiction

handmade gift idea

3. yellow

Awesome outdoor dining idea!

(http://blissfulfetes.blogspot.com)

anthropologie, of course

oh hello mustard cardigan, you would look great on these broad shoulders

uh huh.

2011-05-20T20:59:00.000-07:00

finals are over.

that is a statement accompanied by multiple fist pumps and a gigantic, ginormous sigh of relief.

now that school is over, i have been able to do things that have really been needing to be done.

i cleaned the house.

washed 2 cycles of dishes.

did the laundry.

washed our sheets.

went grocery shopping.

also, i've been able to spend more time with this fool.

isnt he cute?

i'm glad we've been able to hang out and spend time together, especially since life hasn't completely settled down.

this is my relieved face. SO glad to be done with school for the semester.

AND good friends of mine are getting married tomorrow. i cant believe it. i couldnt be happier for them. tomorrow is going to be awesome and that will be the perfect end to this crazy week.

finals.

2011-05-17T13:46:00.000-07:00

its finals week. tomorrow i will be done and i can almost taste it.

which means now i'm here putting off studying with the cub.

i've noticed i dont do well towards the end. heres hoping i snap out of this.

air.

2011-05-02T15:07:00.000-07:00

on saturday, nay and i had the great pleasure of starting a new church service at our church on saturday nights. we ended our thursday night college group and dove into something scary and wonderful. nathan spent all day setting up and making sure mics worked and the decorations didn't look like my kindergartners did them. he worked so hard to make sure this service was uplifting, from God, and true.

he did a great job. he was nervous, but i love seeing him nervous. he is so good at what he does, and i couldnt be more thankful.

this time in our lives has come with a great price. our saturdays are now spent in preparation and awaiting what God is going to do that night. relationships are being tested and rifts are starting to take the spot, nail by nail and plank by plank. it is an odd feeling when you know God is taking something away in order to give you something better, but that taking away, it is painful. it leaves a hole. it is like that spot on your back you cant scratch.

there is movement in the air. there is change blowing around us tempting for us to take it.

and i think we will.

new life

2011-04-25T13:05:00.000-07:00

hello.

i've never been great at keeping this thing updated, but i feel like I've been really bad lately.

which came in handy today.

i started to blog yesterday and then remembered that i have way too much homework so i closed the screen and started on that.

this so happened to be a good thing, and i'll tell you why.

it just so happens that last night we went to dinner at our friends house and while we were making dinner, our good friends announced they were having a baby.

a baby!

like a living thing that is inside her belly that is part him and part her. that will give them joy and pave the way towards a new future.

it is a step that is long and difficult and will bring them closer together. it will make them a real family. it will make her a mother, and him a father. they have held many titles: friend, daughter, son, wife, husband, secretary, ministry partners, drape slingers, disneyland parters, muppet lovers, movie goers, roommates and the list goes on.

but now.

now they are parents.

mother and father.

i am spending more time looking for baby clothes, deals on cribs and strollers.

i still am in shock and it's not even me!

CONGRATULATIONS YOU TWO!

P.s. Hawaii was good. i mean great. i mean over the top perfect. i didnt bring my camera since most of the trip was really just to enjoy the island, but i did manage to snap these on a hike we took.

you say hello, i say goodbye.

2011-04-10T11:24:00.000-07:00

this coming week will be glorious.

nathan and i will be going to Hawaii to enjoy some much needed rest and relaxation. we will walk and white beaches and enjoy the sun browning our skin. we will hike to waterfalls and caves, and swim in oceans bluer than we have ever known.

this coming week will be exactly what we need, because last week, well it blew chunks.

nathan and i have always wanted a bulldog. i'm not quite sure what it is about bulldogs that get us so gaga (who am i kidding? i know! it's their slobbery faces, droopy eyes, tongues that dont fit in their mouths, paws too big for their body, and simply pathetic faces) but they do. they get us every time.

we will drive slowly past homes we know have bulldogs. we will interrupt a conversation in order to point out the bulldog walking by. we have books devoted to the care and training of bulldogs, but we have never had one- until last week.

we finally got a bulldog.

and two days later we had to return him to his original owners because he and duke couldnt get alone. growling, fighting, and mean playing ensued and it left duke whimpering and the bulldog unable to deal with our dog. we took the long drive to return him, and i sobbed as we left their house with no bulldog.

i cried and nathan held me and told me he was sorry and things would be ok.

i know it sounds silly, but he meant so much to us.

we cant wait for this week to be over and this new one to start.

goodbye bully and hello hawaii.

grow.

2011-03-14T19:02:00.000-07:00

this past weekend was not spent with hands deep in the earth doing yard work or lazy days of movies and catching up on our favorite shows.

cough, cough (park and recreation, the office, csi) cough, cough.

but it was spent on the couch. doing homework. ugh.

a 10 page paper. varies discussion posts for my online classes, 25 homework questions for my statistics class, a 2 page review of one of my textbooks, oh and a MIDTERM!

it was insane.

luckily nathan so graciously picked up where i left off and did laundry, washed dishes, and even cleaned up the pit of doom. thats what we nicknamed our room this week because it was dreadful.

i just sat on our stupid (but comfy) couch and did assignment after assignment. and once one was done i would start to get distracted and want to go outside for some good ol' vitamin D, but my laptop would just sit there judging me.

so i kept going.

i kept going until i had to go to school today, and believe you me, i'm exhausted. it's only 7:15 p.m. and i'm wondering when i can get into my p.j.'s and not be judged.

oh well, it's over and thats all that i need to know for right now.

on another note, i have been suffering from a repressed green thumb. ever since we bought our house i have been aching to plant flowers and fruit trees and veggies, but with all the other stuff we are doing back there, planting seems to be the last thing on that list.

so since i cant go to the dirt, i decided to bring the dirt to me. they had these little guys in the dollar bin at target, and since i am in such a desperate state for anything that can grow, i gave in and bought three.

parsley, basil, and chives

they sit on my window sill and i look at them everyday in amazement that these green things springing up from the dirt are now alive. what was once dry seeds in a paper bag are now green plants growing on my windowsill.

and they sit there and remind me that i too am growing. i too was once dead but am now sprouting new growth in areas that have once been desolate.

pruning my branches to make room for new growth.

here is to hoping that your branches are starting to sprout and winter hasnt left you too bare.

Video.

2011-03-02T13:41:00.000-08:00

this video is awesome and i think more ladies should hear about their men.

Valentines

2011-02-25T15:40:00.000-08:00

this was our valentines day.

it was spent with friends of our whom we love and whose paths together are just beginning.

nathan brought home a ton of drape and made this tent for us outside. the twinkle lights and the cold air made the night perfect.

except for the fact that the chicken we made wasnt cooked. like at all. and we had to put it back in and we didnt end up eating until almost 10 o'clock at night.

but we all had a great time talking and laughing and baking and cooking and remembering why that day was so special.

and when we were finished eating we sat in our living room and talked until i had to go to bed.

we had a great time. and love was rejoiced. and relationships were reveled in.

realize.

2011-02-15T21:27:00.000-08:00

today kicked my butt.

like a school girl crush trampled by the reality of a love that will never come.

today knocked the air out of my already tired lungs and i lay here in bed just wishing for sleep.

today has made me grateful for the flawless sunny days where my couch engulfs me and surrounds me with silly dreams. thankful for the brief moments of laughter nathan and i shared today watching the westminster dog show.

although today was bad, it wasnt awful.

a storm is brewing and the way i approach it will change everything.

everything.

i cant get over it. that word gives me chills.

this is not impossible. it is not a situation that will shake my foundation and crumble my spirits.

but they are bruised. they are black and blue with blows that life gives out when you least expect it. and each blow comes without grace or mercy. they come over, and over, and over, and over.

unfortunately, nay had this kind of day today too. we were a bunch of sad saps who just looked at each other hoping this day would end sooner.

but tomorrow has a promise and hope that i have taken for granted. i love how the terrible, no good days make us realize what a blessing those mundane days really are.

times.

2011-02-02T12:39:00.000-08:00

hello friends.

i cant believe that it is already february. it seems like just yesterday we were buying our christmas tree and nathan was so bravely putting up thousands of twinkling christmas lights on our house to make me happy. the feeling of christmas going is almost as sad as i am happy when it comes.

does that make sense?

anyway, it's february and that means valentines day, THREE days off of school for presidents and their days, a couple birthday parties, and hopefully catching up on some of the projects here at the jones house. and boy, do we have projects. when they said we would always be working on the house they didnt lie. holy smokes, and most of these projects are things we started but couldnt finish because of weather, time, or supplies.

it's quite rude that those projects dont just finish themselves! dont they see we have too much to do?!

anyway , valentines day is coming up which is sort of a tough idea for me. dont get me wrong, i like that there is a day dedicated to being loving and showing someone that you love them, but i just feel that the expectations are completely unrealistic. i mean, i think this is cool:

but i just wish that there wasnt so much pressure for the dude to make the girl happy. it's really a holiday for us ladies. and it's not like i am exempt from this- i've been plenty bummed with nay for not doing something cool or forgetting what i asked for.

so, this year, i just told him what i wanted- him to learn, play, and record some love songs for me but to do them his own way. change the melody or the words- whatever he wanted. i gave him a list of songs and one of them is 'fools rush in' by elvis. dog gone that song is amazing. i have been hearing him now and then playing some of the songs and it literally gets me all teary. i love it. (in case you are curious, other songs are: the way you look tonight, follow you into the dark by death cab, and when i'm 64 by the beatles.)
i love elvis. and johnny. i've been listening to some johnny cash as of late and it has been filling my heart with happy. anyway, the fact that it says 1:03 p.m. in the upper right hand corner of my computer means that i need to get my stuff together to get ready to go to class. having class in the middle of the day is sort of a bummer but if we end up getting a scooter it will serve me well.

nothing new

2011-01-28T13:35:00.000-08:00

it's been a while. but it usually takes a while for me to blog so i'm not really that bummed about it. i do however get sad when someone blogs something truly profound and exciting, and then nothing for DAYS. it just feels mean.

anyway, nothing much new here. i started school this week and i'm not as freaked about my schedule as i thought i would be, especially taking a stat class. (eek!)

but a few things have been going on...

we have been thinking about getting one of these:

started eating better and sweating it out to the grueling work outs of this drill Sargent. (still havent noticed ANY ANY ANY difference. it's been a couple weeks but so what? i want results now!)

it is finally friday- which is so great because i dont think i could take one more day with boogers and sticky fingers in my face. a girl can only take so many boogers ya know?

i just got new shoes. they are SO cute, but the size 7 was too small and the 71/2 are too big.

really?

boo i say to you target shoe selection.

vices

2011-01-06T17:00:00.001-08:00

i've found that the blogging world is pretty forgiving.

i've read blogs devoted to stories of mothers who are at their wits end with the pickiness of their children and the monotony that comes with marriage and children. entire blogs devoted to their failures and their genuine journey to find themselves cleaner than when they started. there is a comfort behind these letters that form these words that came from thoughts that occurred during an event that changed something in us, and there is something about sharing that with someone.

there is a unity and an intense venerability as we post pictures of children, our wedding days, holidays spent with family and friends, these are invaluable moments that we care enough to capture with a camera, and we upload them for the world to see.

i love that we love to share.

these things make me feel better about confessing some of my vices to you all.

CAUTION: if you are afraid of learning these tid-bits about your dear friend than i suggest that you look away and switch to another blogger that you stalk from afar. dont act like you dont do it.

vices of mine:

1. mark wahlberg movies. i'm not sure what it is, but i can always go for a mark wahlberg movie.

2. 90210. when i was a kid i wasnt really supposed to be watching it, but i loved it then, and continue to feed that addiction by owning seasons 1-8. (insert judgment here)

3. blue push pops. they are heaven in candy formation and make your spit taste like fruit juice after hours of finishing the sticky monster!

4. thrift store shopping. it's not that bad, i dont go super often or spend lots of money, but the feeling of going into a thrift store fills my heart with happy.

5. crap t.v. i cant help it, i love watching shows like 'tool academy' and 'celebrity rehab with dr.

drew'.

which leads me to the reason for the blog. i have vices sure, but i have never had an addiction. never a substance that i couldnt go without (other than the obvious air and water). i cant even begin to fathom the depths of pain that causes someone to fill their body with things that will kill them. that numb them so life is easy. to calm them because there is too much going on.

and there is an unspeakable bond between addicts.

they share a connection that no one who hasnt been in their situation understands. on the show one of the alumni patients was asked how long he had been sober to which the answer was 6 months. the current patients roared with applause and there wasnt a dry eye in the house. to me, 6 months is no big shakes. it is the equivalent of 2 semesters at school, which is not a huge deal.

but for these people, it is monumental.

it is worthy of applause and tears and words of encouragement.

i want to start to think of myself in that way. i am so hard on myself.

i pick apart my appearance, weight, education, and status until i am left with nothing but more weight on me than i would like and a sad face.

but i am going to try to look at myself with hope, and every day that i get closer to who i want to be deserves applause and encouragement and love.

because after all, all you need is love. and jesus.

and apparently mark wahlberg.

4

2010-12-30T23:35:00.000-08:00

in 4 years, one can do lots of things:

serve as president.

graduate high school.

graduate college (but who are we kidding, this really takes 5. or 8 if your me...or kip)

most likely get tenure.

the show weeds can go downhill...fast.

the show dexter can become UNBELIEVABLE.

and the hardest and most wonderful one of all: being married to their high school sweetheart.

nay and i have been married 4 years today. it's crazy. i have spent most of my life in love with this man, and now i will spend the rest of my life loving him. we have worked so hard to learn each others language.

i love knowing that i can understand nathan while he brushes his teeth. i love knowing that when he says "yeah, totally" he isnt really listening but knows he needs to be. knowing nay NEEDS lettuce in his grilled cheese along with a gigantic heap of mustard for dunking. tickling his feet to get him out of bed. buying him imported monsters to let him know i love him. the fact that he sits on the kitchen floor and watches me cook so we can spend time together. the way he makes me laugh like no other. how goofy he is. the way he makes me feel.

4 years of all of these things can cause an immense blissful overload. here is a synopsis of the past 4 years.

enjoy!

Alaska

swimming with sharks in hawaii

nay in hawaii showing off his ring

san fran

first cruise- mexico

getting our hound

skydiving

nathan's sisters wedding

going on the price is right

actually getting married

dating in college

however, we also bought a house AND i started at a university so i can finally finish school. it's been an awesome 4 year bear, i cant wait for 100 more.

christmas

2010-12-28T22:57:00.000-08:00

i have these friends.

they are kind, and funny, and i have the honor of calling them 'friend'.

we got together to do secret santa and nay got the awesome jacket he is wearing in the photo below (courtesy of blue) and i got seinfeld season 8 which i am currently watching (from joey).

i made janvier a purse. like went and picked out the fabric and sewed it.

it was my first time.

and it wasnt great.

but when she got it she acted like it was great. like the fact that the colors didnt go and the strap was uneven didnt matter.

tonight i made spinach artichoke dip and cookies and we ate and talked and listened to bing crosby on my record player.

it was a perfect ending to our busy christmas season.

thrift sunday

2010-12-27T10:57:00.000-08:00

sunday is thrift store sunday.

it should be a national holiday, but instead it is the Lords day, and that is fine with me.

thrift store sunday originated when my husband, and my friends husband would gather at another one of our friends house and hang out. they would play video games, basketball, or watch whatever game happened to be on at the time.

well, being as how i'm not good at any sport on dry land and that my video game talents stop and end at super nintendo, i was no use to those guys. plus, its good for the guys together and do manly things, and for me and the other wives to go find some cute clothes and stuff for our houses at discounted prices.

it is so lovely when we can leave a store and know that we won. our wallets still possess the sweet smell of dollar bills, but our trunks quickly become full. yesterday i won. i went out alone looking for some fine home furnishings as an after christmas gift to myself, and found some buried treasure in the isles of my local goodwill.

vintage green pitcher

coffee decals for the kitchen

floral tray...yummy

in addition to these glorious finds, i also found a nice pair of gap jeans AND a cute little basket for our mail. how much for all this loot you wonder?

$16.50

it's a glorious thing to walk into a store and actually find something that you love for only $3.99 or $1.99.

lights.

2010-11-29T21:23:00.000-08:00

i love me some christmas.

i think most people love it. the air is crisp. starbucks comes out with all its fancy overpriced seasonal drinks. there are sales on things you wouldnt buy otherwise and the music, is well, heavenly.

and most people love this.

and who wouldnt?

but i happened to marry a man who does not love christmas.

he just thinks it's, blah. he cant get into it, but he tries, and every year he tops the way he tried last year. last year he learned my favorite christmas song and played it whenever i asked him to. cooking dinner, doing laundry, eating breakfast: whenever i asked he would whip out that acoustic and play me my song.

and this year, it was his idea to get 13 boxes of christmas lights to decorate our house. he spent the better part of yesterday on our roof and on ladders making our house look amazing. and when he had done the entire house, even the back of the house that no one sees, he wanted to do lights on the inside windows.

my husband? the cutest grinch i know?

and you know what he keeps telling me? "feel bad that i am out-christmasing you?"

the nerve of that punk.

here are photos of my husband showing me the best way he can that he loves what i love. that he wants so badly to share in this with me.

he's so good.

paint.

2010-11-24T22:57:00.000-08:00

working for the school district has some amazing advantages.

it works perfectly with my school schedule, pays great, it is the best job i have ever known...and

i get holidays off!

like all major holidays. for thanksgiving i have this entire week off (insert angels singing and streams of golden light here). it is magical. i am connecting with things i havent connected with in ages.

like sleep.

and good movies on netflix watch instantly.

and reading my bible.

and harry potter.

holy cow, it's been a good few days.

but one thing about me is that when i have an ENTIRE week of for thanksgiving, i get bored; restless. so i assign myself projects, like, oh i dont know, painting the entire living room by myself.

before you start to judge me, i love to paint. it soothes me. i have NO artistic talent, but when i have that paintbrush and start, i get lost in the blur of the old colors turning into the new ones. the smell of the paint and vanilla extract i was told hides the smell but is a crock. when i asked nay if i couldnt paint the living room, he gave me that look like "really?" and i gave him the look like, "what do you mean really?!"

he finally relented but under one condition: he wasnt going to help. if i wanted to paint the living room it was ALL me.

and guess what?

i agreed.

so here it is friends. all my work and all my glory.

enjoy.

before

after

hurry.

2010-11-21T22:25:00.000-08:00

"the world went and got itself it a big damn hurry."

brooks, your right.

it isnt even thanksgiving and we are already putting christmas trees up in town squares and christmas sales. i thought it was proper christmas etiquette to give thanksgiving it's day, and then right after you can put up your christmas decorations. thanksgiving is being snuffed out of it's own day! month even!

and christmas will be there. it's always there. it is the mama jama of all the holidays and requires the most money, time, and efforts. of course it is the holiday in which we celebrate the birth of our dear Savior, but isnt that an event we celebrate all year long? in births of children, the recovery of a sick friend, a job when we have been without one, having a home and food to eat, amazing spouses, doors slamming shut, doors swinging open. in all things, are we being thankful for the One who saves us?

i fall short constantly. almost in some sort of sick schedule, and as the amazing dustin kensrue says "feels like the devil rents a room in my brain".

but God is merciful.

He sees and He forgives.

He is the same God to us as He was to Job and Peter. He is unchanging, and does not hurry Himself. He is patient and waits for us to come back to Him when we wonder away.

because we will wonder.

the worlds lights are shiny and words sway us like helpless birds in the sea.

but in those lights and in that sea, there He is.

waiting.

waiting.

patient. with no hurry and no schedule. no unrealistic expectations or hard feelings. He takes His time in all things.

it's beautiful to see, especially when it involves two certain friends of mine, who will remain nameless, (cough, cough, katie, cough, cough, truman) who have decided to spend the rest of their lives together. God saw it fit to bring these two together and I am lucky enough to be able to watch a portion of it.

His timing is a blessing.

friends.

2010-11-17T20:04:00.000-08:00

my car squeaks.

ALL the time. when i am in the parking structure at school it squeaks so loud fellow students cover their ears and give me that look like "do you have any idea how freaking loud your car is?!?"

oh, i know.

it is so loud it wakes up nathan as i leave for work. it's pathetic.

i finally had some time to take it in and have it looked at. the conclusion: a new belt costing $120. for one silly belt. i called up our good friend who is a mechanic and asked him if that was a reasonable price for the type of belt we needed to which he proceeded to tell me it was not. he offered to come by and look at.

today, i am thankful for good friends who are generous with their time and their talents. i am thankful for people who are smarter than me who can save me $100. i am thankful that i have a community of friends who can fulfill all those random but SUPER necessary needs that make like easier. for example:

Katie- amazing hair stylist. a gem. a true artist.
Truman- provides us with the best coffee i have EVER tasted. for free. and he delivers it.
Ricky- the mechanic of champs. knowledgable. helpful. and super kind.
Christine- an amazing photographer. truly knows how to make things beautiful.
Desiree- my massager and giver of free starbucks. what a peach.
Justin- taker awayer of the fleas brought in by our neighbors. has sprayed our house at least 6 times and does it in exchange for a warm homemade dinner.
(i'm sure i missed someone, so if i did write me an angry letter and i will add you to this prestigious list.)

we are beyond blessed to have the friends we have who help us the way they do.

submission.

2010-11-11T15:36:00.001-08:00

around 2 or 3 months ago, nathan and i just could't get along. nathan was starting up a new band and the only time all of the members could get together was on friday nights from 8 p.m-4 a.m. at first, i was all for it: nathan was so excited about this band and he said it would only be about a month. i could handle it for a month.

after about two weeks, i realized that i was starting to feel bitter and asked him if he could come home around 2 instead of 4. he agreed and for another 2 weeks that was fine. then little by little it was just becoming too much. i hated being home all by myself, and i always felt uncomfortable while he was away. we used to go out on fridays and we couldnt do that anymore since he had to leave at 7:30. he tried so much to make me more comfortable with the arrangements: he set up date nights and got an alarm system so i would feel more comfortable at home.

but it still wasnt enough.

after about a month and a half i asked nathan to start coming home at midnight. and he was so frustrated with me. it caused such tension in our marriage. he knew how much i hated it. he knew how uncomfortable it make me and what it was doing to our marriage and yet he still continued to go. and i knew how much this meant to him but i still couldn't get over it. after almost 4 months he just decided to stop going, but it was a hard choice for him to make and i still didn't get what i wanted.

i wanted him to choose me.

it was miserable.

even writing about it, i start to feel the sadness and frustration i felt while this was going on. it was one of the most painful times in our marriage, and it was made even worse by our reaction to it.

we haven't thought of that in months, but last night at the marriage seminar last night, it came up again, but this time we had much deeper feelings about it.

we went over what the bible says about marriage, more specifically in Ephesians:

Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. ²³ For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. ²⁴ Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything ²⁵ Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her ²⁶ to make her holy, cleansing^{a]" style="line-height: 0.5em; ">[a]} her by the washing with water through the word, ²⁷ and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. ²⁸ In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. ²⁹ After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church— ³⁰ for we are members of his body. ³¹“For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.”^{b]" style="line-height: 0.5em; ">[b]} ³² This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. ³³ However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.

^{I have heard and read that scripture at least fifty times, but God is gracious and often allows us to hear His word differently each time.}

^{and this time was no different.}

^{immediately as my pastor was reading that scripture my mind reeled back to that time 3 months ago when nathan and i couldn't get past our issues of bitterness and frustration. our pastor talked about how when the husband isnt laying down his life for his spouse yet his wife continues to nag or appeal to her husband until he finally agrees, we take away from God. Imagine the lesson that God was trying to teach the husband AND the wife, but the wife was sick of the situation and no longer could take it.}

^{that was us. knowing that my control for the situation was so great, i got in the way of the lessons that God was trying to show us as husband and wife. imagine the grace and growth both of us would have felt if i would have just kept my big mouth shut? or the amount of love i would have felt from nathan if he made the choice himself to quit.}

^{all i can do is imagine.}

^{and feel a deep sense of sadness. it is an awful feeling to know that i got in the way of something amazing. my need for control took away intimacy, trust, and respect from my marriage. needless to say, last night was a rough one.}

but thank God that i have a husband who kind and gracious. as soon as we got into the car we both broke down with endless apologies of how we both handled that situation. he apologized for being stubborn and all the hurt i had because of him. he apologized for not laying down his life for me and putting his ambitions before my comfort. and with teary eyes i apologized for not submitting to him and continuing to push the issue. that i had turned into a nag and was someone that he no longer wanted to be around. i apologized for getting in the way of the holy spirit and the lessons He had for our marriage.

we went to bed with full hearts and a new found love for that scripture. we committed to making our roles more defined and also being encouraging of each other when we do great, and be gracious when we don't.

this fits in perfectly with being thankful. the two of us are beyond thankful for the love of our God. the grace and forgiveness He gives us and allows us to give each other. thankful that he revealed Himself to us in order to make our marriage better.

to make our relationship with Him better. submitting is worship. laying down your life is worship. it glorifies our God. that is so encouraging because when submitting gets hard and laying down your life gets hard, it is worth it. for no other reason than because our God is worth it. our spouse is worth it.

hallelujah.

thanks

2010-11-06T22:39:00.000-07:00

this whole finding something to be thankful for each day has been so good for me. honestly, sometimes i make myself sick thinking of the negatives each day.

it is nice to think of all the good things, and there are so many. throughout the day, something will happen and i'll think to myself "i should put this as part of my thankful blog".

it's really funny because right before i started writing, i checked online to check the class schedule to make sure the classes i need to register for are still open.

and they're not.

3 are open, as of now, but that might not be the case on monday when i need to register. and i really have no idea what i'm supposed to do.

but i'm thankful. thankful that i am able to go to school and pay for it without taking out loans or going into debt. it is a blessing that we so often take for granted. even with a mortgage, car payment, and our two iPhone phone bill we don't have to take out loans.

we are beyond blessed and have to make sure that we are giving back to God what was His in the first place. i am thankful that i have a husband who makes sure that we tithe and give back what isnt really ours anyway. i'm thankful that he is so dedicated to being good.

also, i am thankful for Fiona Apples version of "across the universe". if you haven't already heard it, you need to.

green.

2010-11-05T22:35:00.000-07:00

today i am thankful for green.

green like the flecks in nathans eyes. green like dukes dog collar that jingles when he runs to greet me. green like the new grass growing in our front yard.

green like my favorite shirt.

green like the textbook i used to get a 100% on my midterm.

green like the money in my account that God has so blessed me with to live the life i do.

green like all those yummy veggies i intend to grow in my glorious garden.

green like the cover of Harry potter and the goblet of fire.

green like the sheets i am lounging in comfortably at this moment.

green is good. and so am i.

day 2

2010-11-04T14:55:00.000-07:00

this is day 2 of being thankful.

today i am thankful for dominick.

he is my most favorite student in the class i work in. yet, he is also the most difficult.

he hits. he spits. he throws his papers. he kicks other students. h fights us on everything.

that is until i cracked his code. i finally found out what he needed, and now, he is like a whole new child.

i started to ask questions about the kind of life dominick has at home. he is the youngest of 6 kids and has no one to talk to. i found out that his code was affection. he needed to be treated with love and kindness. he needed to be shown that he is special.

and now that i have shown him that he is special, that he is good....

he laughs and smiles and listens when we talk to him. he kisses me on the cheeks and says "i love you Mrs. Casey". he gives hugs and high fives and is actually helping the other students. he is the greatest.

i am growing to love him and care for him more and more each day. he makes me want to learn more and more so that i can make his life better with my education.

i am thankful that i have the job i do with the kids i do. i am thankful for every day.

true story.

thank-full

2010-11-03T16:36:00.001-07:00

a lovely lady whose blog i read often (by often i mean ALL THE TIME) started up a countdown to thanksgiving by saying what she is thankful for. i know i'm late, but i think i'm going to jump into this race. i hope to keep up with it!

i know it sounds silly, but i'm thankful for these.

we had lots of candy left over from halloween. nathan and i, not wanting to waste anything the Lord gives us, decided to start on this pile of deliciousness, and unfortunately, we have the same favorite candy "kit kat". we have been going through these bad boys like theres no tomorrow, and last night he saved the last one for me.

wanna know why? he said "cause you deserve it."

i'm thankful that he sees how hard i work at school, home, and work.

isnt that huge? isnt that what we all want in life? not the only thing in life, but isnt it something we all need in some aspect?

i'm thankful that he is mellow and i am not.

i am thankful that he is calm and cool and i am passionate and a firecracker.

i'm thankful that at 20, i married the man that the Lord made just for me.

halloween.

2010-10-26T20:15:00.000-07:00

This is my hound.

isnt he a cutie? he's going to be a reindeer for halloween: he chose it himself.

i dont have time to write just how cute he is at this moment because, well, i have a paper to finish writing and a laker game to watch.

but this photo doesnt need many words.

working hard.

2010-10-23T11:56:00.000-07:00

yesterday went a little something like this:

6:50 am- wake up (late)
7:30 am- At work picking up my littles from the bus
7:31 am-11:45 am- work with the littles
12:00 pm- get home from work and get ready to work with nathan
1:00 pm- on my first job setting drape with nathan
1:45 pm- on our way to our next job in (wait for it) SANTA BARBRA!!
4:30 pm- get to our job in Santa Barbra
6:30 pm- walk to the pier for a delicious dinner with my bear
7:30 pm- back on the road headed home
10:00 pm- get home and immediately crash and have a delightfully wonderful sleep

yesterday was EXHAUSTING. some of you might be wondering why I went to work with nathan, and you should be curious. nathan is in the business of hanging drape for fancy parties, weddings, BET awards, the president, Academy Awards, MTV music awards and so on and so fourth. he had to do a job for some conference but the job was all the way out in Santa Barbra and nay asked his boss if he could take me with him since the drive would be so long, and guess what, his boss said yes!

it was awesome. i got a chance to see what nathan does at work (i had an idea but didnt know just how amazing he is).

seriously, he is so professional with the clients and works so hard. by the first 15 minutes, nay was dripping sweat and trying to teach me how to take the crossbars down. he was super patient with me, helped me to get the dolly up and down stairs, and was an amazing trainer. i was seriously so impressed working with him.

on our 3 hour ride home, i got to thinking about it, and i think God put me on that job with nathan for a reason. it was such a blessing to be able to see just how hard nathan works for his family. to see that he is an honest and hard working man, whose integrity hasnt been clouded by dollar signs. he is kind and patient and goes above and beyond to make sure the job is done.

what a blessing it is to be married to a man like that.

good.

2010-10-12T15:47:00.000-07:00

this past week nay and i were in the process of getting one of these:

before you start screaming at us via your computer screen as to why we dont have one of these, hear me out. our dear friend knows what bulldog fiends we are, so was asking around to see if anyone was looking to give their bulldog to a new home (more specifically our home). well, as luck would have it, a man was looking into finding a new home for his beloved brutus (the picture posted above is not the bulldog we were looking at, but he is still a cutie!). he was newly remarried and his wife was not a big dog person (can you say deal breaker?!) and was looking to give brutus to a loving, kind, tattooed family:

(I think we fit that mold to a 'T' dont you??)

we exchanged emails and even met the little guy, he was beautiful with his big head and slobbery face. we were told brutus didnt do much around the house, he mostly just liked to sleep and eat (you know, just like our hound!!!). even though we really liked brutus, as we were driving away we both felt this small feeling of discomfort. we loved him, but something was holding us back, and when we got an email 4 days later from brutus' owner saying that he changed his mind about giving him up, we wernt disappointed.

but we were confused.

isnt this what we always wanted? havent we always wanted a bulldog and playmate for our hound? but it didnt take long to figure out the answer.

we are happy.

right now our life is great. right now throwing another dog into the mix might ruin what we having going on right now. we dont have the time to teach a new dog our tricks. we didnt want to mess up the relationship between duke and his big brother hoot. and the best part of it all, the happiness doesnt end there.

nay and i are doing great. school is going well (i just got a 100% on my midterm!) our college group is making leaps and bounds, work is amazing, and Jesus is as good as ever.

oh i forgot to mention, in april were going here:

yeah, life here is good.

forget.

2010-09-22T15:46:00.000-07:00

sometimes i forget that i am married.

i know that sounds funny, but it's true. i mean, i remember at all of the important times, (like when gross college guy asks for my phone number, when doing taxes, and on our anniversary) but during the mundane everyday stuff, i forget.

i forget because it feels like i have been with nathan forever.

like a fish. does it forget it's a fish? no! it doesnt even think if it might be something else, it just is. same goes for me.

i just am.

i was born to be married to nathan. i swear, God knew how neurotic i would be and so he made nathan extra patient and considerate. He knew nathan would be bad at talking to people we want to adopt a bulldog from (long story) so He made me good at adapting with people. He knew, He always knows.

the reason i bring up the whole 'forgetting i'm married' thing is because last night nay and i had a date night, and i forgot we were married. it felt like dating again. we held sweaty hands and laughed at dumb jokes and couldnt have cared less that we saw the jonas brothers walking by.

who cares about the jonas brothers when you're with the person Jesus hand-crafted for you??

we concluded our date night by sitting on our couch eating pita and hummus while talking and watching how i met your mother. it was the best night i've had in a long time.

and it might sound silly, but it was a gift.

from the One who always gives.

words can not to justice the thanks i have in my heart that He gave me nay.

Black and white.

2010-09-07T14:16:00.000-07:00

this weekend was a black and white kind of weekend. we went to visit nathans family in san louis obispo and had a great time. on friday we woke up early, i mean crazy early at 5:30 (AM!) and drove down the coast with the hound. nay had the great idea to stop off in santa barbra and get some breakfast. we decided we would just get off the freeway and stop if we found something cool, and boy were we in luck.

we found this cafe, which happened to open at 8 (awesome since we were there at 8 and SUPER hungry), outdoor seating (we had the hound after all), and an awesome menu of vegan breakfast and fantastic coffee. we sat outside while it sprinkled on us and drank in deeply our coffee and the smell of the ocean. the food, was beyond amazing, and the people were super cool. we left and continued on our journey, and finally got to nay's dads house where the dogs played and slept for most of the weekend.

for most of the weekend we acted much like the dogs, just sorta eating and sleeping while hanging out with each other. however, we didn't just sleep and hang around, we did some pretty glorious things as well. nay's stepmom karen was playing a concert in the park so we went to that...

then we went to hurst castle...

then we went to the beach and watched the elephant seals swim to shore. they swim to shore to rest on these shores and sleep until it's time to swim out and eat. they are magnificent.

we had a great time.

CSUF

2010-08-25T15:50:00.000-07:00

i go to this school.

i still cant really believe that i made it here. this road has been bumpy to say the least. even though i have been at this for so long, i still felt unprepared to make this jump. unprepared to tackle the weight of the tuition. unprepared to sit in ungodly amounts of traffic and spend hours looking for a parking spot.

but now that it's here, i dont know how i wasnt prepared in the first place.

but God is gracious and i am thankful.

nathan has been amazing. he woke up with me on my first day and talked me through my worries. he bought me a new fancy laptop so i could be an excellent student, and has offered to make dinner on nights my class run late.

he's such a doll.

springs.

2010-08-15T21:57:00.000-07:00

these pictures were our weekend.

what a much needed vacation the two of us needed. all the stress of school, ministry, work, and everyday life piled on top of us, leaving us begging for a much needed break.

and this is what we got.

we spent many a days thinking about where to go: should we go to palm springs or santa barbra? san diego or dana point? we talked and scoured the internet for any last minute deals, and finally found a place: palm springs.

we went on priceline and placed a bid of $90 a night on resort and our bid got accepted, only we didnt know where we were going to stay. turns out we got to stay at this freaking awesome resort with, get this, 41 pools! the grounds were awesome, our room was super comfy, and we had a chance to just relax and enjoy our time together.

we also learned lots about ourselves:
1. night swimming (when it's freaking hot!) is our favorite kind of swimming
2. we are NOT gamblers.
3. were too cheap to gamble.
4. dont enjoy outlet shopping.
5. we have different swimming games the other didnt know (ex. spinning around outside the pool until you feel sick, then you jump in the pool. thats nathans game in case you didnt know)
6. are usually done swimming when the other person is.
7. palm springs targets rock way harder than orange county targets do.
8. driving to palm springs makes your car really dirty.
9. shaq went to the celtics!?! (nay informed me on our way home)
10. nathan looks really cute in purple.

we had a great time. actually, it was probably the best vacation we have been on together. what a blessing it was to be able to spend the weekend with my wonderful husband.

i am a blessed woman.

friends.

2010-08-02T22:15:00.000-07:00

dear friends,

thank you for your outpouring of love and kindness. the phone calls, the conversations, the comments, they have all meant more to me than you know. it was painful to put out into the world of friends and bloggers alike that times were hard at the jones house.

it's painful to put into words the feelings of yesterdays and days before filled with sadness and the journey of holiness.

but you should be happy to know that...

things here have been much better since my last post. we have had all those tough conversations, and are coming out on top. we have set up special date nights and have been sticking to them to ensure were putting each other first. there is a sense of newness and appreciation for each other and the work that we are doing for one another.

we are constantly learning how to speak each others language and choosing love. God has been so faithful to reveal Himself to us in our times of questioning and concern.

we have even planned a weekend getaway for just the two of us to enjoy each other. we havent been this excited in a while- we cant WAIT to spend some quality time together.

thanks again to all our friends. we love you all dearly.

waves.

2010-07-23T09:16:00.000-07:00

“A temptation arises: it is the wind. It disturbs you: it is the surging of the seas. This is the time to awaken Christ and let Him remind you of these words, “Who can this be? Even the wind and the waves obey him.”

as with any life or any relationship, there are waves. these waves are much the same of the waves brought to us by the great sea. they are powerful. they are expected, but when they knock you down, your surprised by their force and pressure. and most importantly, they are under estimated.

right now, nathan and i are in the waves. it feels like we are battling wave after wave, and we are exhausted. things that have never been issues before have turned into massive tsunamis that have invaded the happiness of our marriage. there are even things in our lives which have brought fruit and joy to us that are now turning into planks of wood used to rift us apart. these issues arent just affecting our marriage, they are eating away at us as people causing us to be short with our friends and the ones we love.

we are trying to be patient. we are trying to press into each other and find refuge in our love. we are trying and trying.

yet these waves, they just keep coming.

but i know that God will never give us more than we can take.

i know that we should rejoice in our trials, for the reward of our obedience is far greater than the despair of these waves.

these waves produce good soil and fruit, and will turn our garden of weeds into breathtaking beauty.

but for now all we have is waves.

and His promises.

although the waves are powerful, they offer no promise other than the promise of more. but God, He promises to care for us. to protect us. to take us through the storm.

i think it is beautiful that the God i love, the God i follow, He walks on waves.

shined.

2010-07-13T18:39:00.000-07:00

i was at work today.

it was a day just like any other. there were splashes and sunshine, and my skin smelt of sunscreen and the soft sweet smell of sweat. i sat in my lifeguard chair and watched kids dive for rings and splash their siblings and my eyes wandered over to a family.

it was a dad and his daughter and he kept calling her "buddy".

she was a tomboy.

she was the apple of his eye.

he sat in the deep end and had her jump to him with big open arms ready to be caught.

she giggled.

he giggled.

and it reminded me of my dad.

i was suddenly in two places at once, my body was sitting lifeguarding and my mind was in Santa Barbra at the West Beach Inn being thrown over my dads shoulders. i remember the feeling of my slippery feet on his shoulders. i remember holding onto my dads neck desperately trying to hold my breath as he swam to the bottom of the pool, but i never could. my 10 year old lungs could never hold enough air. i remember getting out the pool wrinkled all over, tired, and ready to eat anything.

i loved remembering that memory about my dad. i loved being in two places at once. i loved remembering how much i loved my dad as a kid and how much i love him now.

i love when your day stops, and God shines on you.

today He shined on me with love from my past and excitement for my future.

God is always full of surprises, i just hope that next time He decided to shine down surprises on me, i wont be in charge of watching the lives of 65 children.

just a suggestion.

4th

2010-07-06T22:20:00.000-07:00

this was our 4th of july.

how was yours?

men.

2010-07-02T07:24:00.000-07:00

this is a picture of my men. aren't they cute?

they aren't all actually my men, i share one of them with my best friend. the other one i share with the girls out there that he has dated or will date in the future. and that other one, the one with the sunglasses, goofy grin and not the amish beard, he's all mine.

i cant believe how lucky i am to have family like this. men who look out for me even though they aren't mine. who call me out on my stuff and encourage me to be better. who laugh at my jokes. who teach me about basketball and what "and one" means. who defend me when i need defending. who need me as much as i need them.

i thank God that he chose me to be surrounded by good men. i thank Him because He didnt have to chose me, but He did. I thank Him because these men are a gift.

a gift from Him.

away.

2010-06-20T21:15:00.000-07:00

we were away on vacation. it was fun. it was tiring.

it was good conversations and birthdays.

it was weddings and trips to D.C.

it was cuddling and bug bites.

here are some photos from our travels.

town.

2010-06-09T21:56:00.000-07:00

we are going out of town for quite a few days.

our house is in that messy arrangement of packing and trying to clean at the same time. this is why i am blogging right now, i'm to tired to shuffle my cookies across the room to clean the rest of the house.

we are going to nathans sisters wedding in New York, and we are overwhelmed with it all.

the marriage of nathans sister. the hassle of traveling. the amount of time away from our hound. and it's my birthday while we are gone.

it will feel so weird to be with the friends and family i have never celebrated with. it's gonna be weird, but fun.

ok, i really have to get to cleaning. happy week/weekend friends.

the house.

2010-05-31T10:37:00.000-07:00

This is our house.

It's small.

It's not finished.

But it's ours. It's our home.

busy.

2010-05-26T12:30:00.000-07:00

it has been a while since i have blogged. life is getting so crazy.

this week is finals week, and even as i write this, i should be studying for the second part of my math final. i'm not, of course, and i am listening to Phil Wickham while i write for you good people.

ok, now for some news:

*we are starting on some intense projects in the coming weekends. anyone feel like doing some backbreaking work for your favorite blogger?
*finals will be done today!
*in about a month we are going to New York for Nate's sisters wedding.
*i have permanent assignments at work, which is HUGE.
*i'll be 24 soon.
*nay and i have been married 3 1/2 years! crazy!
*by the way, i seriously, absolutely, without a doubt love my job.
*nathan joined a basketball league on monday nights. i love cheering him on.
*i have brown hair now...i like it better. i think...
*i have been missing some friends lately.

I hate how when things get busy, because they will get busy, you lose touch with people. i hate that the hours fly by faster and the thoughts to call them has come and gone and you dont remember until right before bed when your falling asleep that you didnt call them. you forgot to tell them that you have been missing them. you forgot to mention life isnt as fun when they arent around.

life is lonely when your busy.

thank goodness life will get substantially less busy after today when school is over. i cant believe i made it through this week. i have my husband to thank for that, he keeps me sane. seriously. also, he is a great flashcard quizzer, so if any of you are in need, let me know, i'll loan him to you for a fair price.

ok, now i really need to get to studying logarithms, percents and statistics so i can take this final and be DONE and go to a Victory Dinner with my better looking other half (nathan).

love to you all.

bear.

2010-04-23T22:47:00.000-07:00

dear nathan,

i havent seen you all day today, and guess what?

i miss your laugh.

i miss the way you give me a sly grin when you want me to do something for you.

i miss your sweet kisses and kind hands.

i miss your freckles.

it has been such a crazy journey on this road to buying a home, but there is no one else in the world i would rather clean up water with. sleep in a trailer with. have no electricity with. eat tons of fast food with. have no water with. have no washer with.

with you dear, i have so much.

i count you a blessing always, and know that we can handle whatever other silly things come our way. you are my best friend, and i love you more with every day. thank you for choosing me to be your bride, i promise i will continue to make that decision worth your wild.

wait.

2010-04-14T22:57:00.001-07:00

i'm exhausted.

even my eyelashes are tired.

we are finally, and officially, moved into our new home. it is so exciting and surreal. when i wake up in the morning and look around, it is so weird to think that the wall i'm looking at, i own it. the new tile shower: all mine.

as i was making dinner tonight, i couldnt believe that kitchen i was cooking in was mine. we have been eating in our breakfast nook with our place mats and actually, talk during our meals. so foreign for the past couple weeks since we have been living off of taco bell and wendy's.

our house is almost complete, we are getting our washer and dryer hook-ups installed and should be finished by saturday. what an amazing thought, to be able to do laundry in our own home. no running down stairs to make sure we could get some washer and dryers. no carrying bags full of clothes up and down our stairs. i'm getting goosebumps just thinking about it.

sorry there are no pictures. i have thought of taking pictures but our house is still a little messy, i guess i'll have to get over it.

i cant wait for my garden.

cant wait for clean laundry.

cant wait for clean house.

cant wait to have amazing conversations in this house.

cant wait to have my first real cry in this house.

cant wait to sew my first...something.

i just simply cant wait.

brought us this far.

2010-03-29T21:30:00.000-07:00

it's official: we've moved in.

the first day was glorious. beyond exciting and full of promise.

our dear friends gave up their beautiful Saturday's to help us move from our one bedroom condo to our new 2 bedroom house. they seriously went above and beyond, and all the looks of admiration we got when we told people we were all moved, was because of these wonderful friends.

there were of course some snags, such as the small issue of having no electricity. nathan called to get the power turned on and even though they are the only company who provides electricity to ALL of southern california, they dont work on the weekends.

say what?

so we went all weekend without electricity in the hopes that monday morning we could flip our light switches and charge our phones. we were cool with candles and lanterns, and it makes for a cool story- until this morning when edison came to turn on our electricity and there was yet another problem.

needless to say, we might not have power for another week. (insert sad/frustrated/angry face here)

i am trying just to breathe, and not allow my ulcer to continue to eat my entire body with worry. God has brought us this far, why would He leave us now?

and after all, it could be worse, we could be wandering for 40 years without electricity...

my Jesus.

2010-03-05T12:54:00.000-08:00

God has a way of working miracles.

miracles in the midst of seas of trouble that have the ability to swallow us whole. He has this way of working these miracles in such a manner, that you know that they are from Him and no one else.

it was not good luck. it was not by chance. it was not fate dealing you a winning hand.

it was Jesus.

last night i couldnt help myself, i was broken. the world had finally caught up with me and brought be screaming to my knees. i was feeling so many things, that my body was on overload and my brain could not catch up to process the pain and worry. on our way to our college group, i felt that i needed to tell nathan what i was going through- i needed him to take care of me. to calm me down and make me feel like there is hope.

but i didnt get what i needed.

i talked for about 5 minutes straight, letting out all the fears and anxieties i was having, and when i was finished i looked at nathan and he was just silent. it felt like he wasnt even listening, he wasnt even there with me in the car sitting in traffic. it was the final blow to my day, and i couldnt stop the tears from coming back. nathan is supposed to be the one who can give me what i need, what happened? it didnt help that we both have been so busy that we havent even hung out with each other this whole week: we so desperately lacked connection.

i feel like this is a recurring theme with us, but i digress.

so, after my time in the car, i needed something. my life felt in even more shambles and i felt so lost. i cant explain it, but as soon as we got to church, i knew that God had something for me, i just needed to be quiet and listen. so when it came to worship, i gave it everything i had. loud singing. raised hands. eyes closed tight. tears rolling down my cheeks.

He met me there and he told me something...

He told me that i get too much of my relationship with Him through nathan. that i have forgotten that i have my own relationship with Him that desperately needs to be maintained. He told me that the reason that nathan wasnt able to meet my needs is because sometimes, God needs to be the one to meet my needs, not nathan. i was reminded that i anytime i go to anything else, even something good like nathan, my needs wont be met.

i cried because i knew He was right. i lifted my hands because i was begging him to fix me.

and guess what, He did.

it is unexplained how i came to church with one attitude, and left with another one. i cant explain how my heart was melted away and made new by grace. i have no idea how my brain finally wrapped itself around my feelings and gave me reassurance. i just dont know why, but i know who, and it was my Jesus.

i had changed and i was new. i was able to tell nathan everything that had been revealed to me, and believe it or not (i think you just might!) it brought nathan and i together, finally. not only did God fix me, but he fixed us.

thank you all who worried for me and reached out a hand, you are the kindest people i know, and i am beyond blessed to know you.

all of you.

ugh.

2010-03-04T17:51:00.000-08:00

ugh.

i am feeling so overwhelmed, i have forgotten what it feels like to be whelmed.

i am tired. i have so much on my plate right now, i can hardly function. i have a 5-10 paper due in a week, 3 midterms, being on call for work, being a wife, having a messy house, buying a new house, needing to take care of a TON of paper work for the house, people not returning my calls, needing to do laundry, sleeping, taking care of my dog who just happens to be sucking every ounce of energy, and money might i add, out of my life.

duke has been sick for the past 5 days or so. and by sick i mean pooping blood and mucus, and waking up multiple times during the night to be let out to poop some more blood. i got about 4 hours of sleep last night, and spent the better part of today at the vet with him.

x-rays came back clear except for some gas bubbles which might be the cause of his tummy problems, but this last visit cost us $222. The last visit he was at (a week ago today) cost us $650.

as i look at those numbers, my ulcer begins to churn and burn and i can feel myself growing sick with worry and frustration.

so far, this month, is kicking my ass.

not to mention that nathan will be out of town for about a week, and i will be left here to deal with my full plate alone. the idea of that makes my stomach hurt too...

blogging world, i need your prayers.

in.

2010-02-21T16:07:00.000-08:00

(this photo has nothing to do with the post but i love this picture)

right now i am in my living room. in jeans. in a shirt. in a good mood. in a pair of socks with holes in them. in love with my husband. in school. in the middle of reading 2 books. in the process of transferring to a university. in a small group.

i'm in a lot of things. i guess the most exciting thing that i am in is...

escrow.

thats right blogging friends of the world, nathan and i are in the process of buying our first home! we are excited and blessed beyond all measure. we will keep you all updated with photos and more info as soon as we can.

thank you for all of your love and support. if you still read this, that is a blessing in itself.

(if you already knew this, then this is old hat for you guys!)

mysterious.

2010-02-06T15:46:00.000-08:00

this saturday has been a nice and relaxing one. i woke up and went to breakfast with a good friend of mine, then we preceded to do what we do best: thrift store shop. we do this well because we have the same love for clothes, and the same love for keeping as much money in our wallets as possible. so we took off in search of cute tops, $10 jeans, and cute sweaters and i would say that is a great use of a saturday.

so anyway, as i was searching for a new wardrobe, i came across the jewelry section and found one of those necklaces that is broken in half where one says "best" and the other ones says "friend" but i only found the "best" part. it made me sad to see this lone necklace being surrounded by gaudy jewelry with broken clasps and strings of pearls with gaping holes. it made me think of all the times i had those necklaces and was so excited to give the other half to my best at the time. unfortunately, i have never had very good luck with friends.

i have had friends who abandoned me.

who have left me behind.

who have ignored me, have taken advantage of me, and left me for someone better.

looking at that necklace, it sent be back to 7th grade and all those feelings of being desperately alone and in need of one friend. i have cried out to my God in agony, begging for someone to understand me, and when they did understand me, they would still love me. i have spent more years than i care to count, friendless and empty in every sense of the word. my journey of life has been painful with no one to talk to.

but as i have grown older, i have found friends, and i ended up marrying the best one. but i never realized that not having friends affected me the way that it did. i am guarded but tend to get really close to people really fast. i expect to be let down, but am still shocked and surprised when it happens. i am a bundle of raw emotions with unrealistic expectations, and often times, it ruins the relationships that i worked so hard to get.

who knew that silly little necklace would have sent be back to 7th grade and the emotions that went with it? if nothing else, it has made me appreciate the friends i have now, and inspired me to examine myself to ensure that i am being the kind of friends, that my friends deserve.

i didnt think that i would find inspiration and comfort in the middle of a thrift store, but as they say, God works in mysterious ways.

expanding.

2010-01-30T10:58:00.000-08:00

on monday i start my last semester at a community college.

finally!

the more that i have been thinking about it, the more at ease i am becoming with my journey for higher education. at first, i was so disappointed with myself that it has taken me so long to finish. friends that are younger than me have their degrees, and i was getting really down on myself for taking such a long time.

but now, things are different. i wouldnt change my life for anything in the world. the marriage that i have is because i took so much time away from school and actually worked on my marriage. we grew together and learned how to be married (and still learning) and i would much rather have a good marriage than a degree any day of the week.

so, this next semester will be a crazy one, but will also be one filled with joy and accomplishment. i will finally be outta there! (insert the end of Aladdin here)

also, work has been such a huge blessing. friends of mine have informed me that i tend to give up on things when they get hard (not big things, mostly just little things) and i almost gave up on my job working with special needs kids because of just how grueling it is. but, i have stuck it out and have really been learning volumes about me, and my character, and the beauty of people. i am finding that my heart is expanding, and i am learning to love in a way that i never knew possible, seeing past the stigmas and the burdens that come with loving another human being.

i dont know if this makes sense, but it all is fitting together like puzzle pieces in my mind. i feel like i am getting glimpses of what i was designed to do, and that feeling is making me fall more in love with my God.

thankful.

2010-01-23T17:20:00.000-08:00

a lot has happened since the last post:

-school starts in a week.

-I am actually working now (hooray)

-my mom and I are going to a small group together

-we are getting closer and closer to get a house

-have been married a little over 3 years

all of these things have been wonderful and a joy and we have been thanking God for every moment of this journey.

when we were engaged, people really wanted us to wait until we were older and told us to get our lives together, but those 5 things listed above are things that we get to do as a married couple. we get to experience this life together instead of separately, and cant imagine our lives any other way.

life has been a blessing, and even if it wasnt, we would still be thankful.

(also, i just got back from the thrift store and bought a pair of jeans, a SUPER cute shirt, and a soft hoodie for $11. life really is good!)

not feeling it.

2009-12-03T23:49:00.000-08:00

"For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the powers, against the world forces of this darkness, against the spiritual forces of wickedness in the heavenly places." Eph. 6:12

i'm not feeling it right now. i feel like this is a bug that goes around much like this dreaded swine flu, but seems to be just as dangerous. i feel a bit broken, and am eagerly awaiting my God to fix me. i'm allowing myself to be swept up in the worries of this world. allowing that vicious sea to swell up, and carry me out to the depths of materialism and money.

this verse puts me in my place.

i can dig it.

amen.

2009-11-28T14:29:00.000-08:00

i'm not really a morning person.

and by not really, i mean that i am absolutely not a morning person. so when nathan tried waking me up the morning before thanksgiving to go to the desert, i wasnt very responsive. so he decided to wake me with a story: (keep in mind nathan had just woken up at this point too, which makes this extra cute.)

once upon a time there was a prince named Vi and everyone thought he was gay because of his name. but he wasnt, and he hated it when people thought he was gay. Amen.

my husband is great.

miracle.

2009-11-23T18:35:00.001-08:00

today our beautiful friends became parents.

for the second time.

for years we have earnestly prayed that her womb would hold a child, that their family would be blessed with a bigger family. we eargerly awaited to hear back and see if this was real, if she would finally become a mother of 2.

and sometimes i wish i never heard back. i wish i never knew the troubles the family had and the heartbreak of trying, and waiting, and hoping, and being broken.

but one day something changed.

on this day you were given a heartbeat. a hope. and since that day, my life has been better, and it isnt even my baby.

and the best part is that i just met him. i just watched him sleep and yawn and learn to move his fingers. i just saw a miracle.

not that seeing that belly grow month after month was no miracle, but seeing that boy, made is so real.

tonight, i saw Jesus.

i saw Him in the faces that stood around that room. i saw Him in the face of the new mother. i saw Him in this baby that has is an answer to many, many prayers.

thank you Jesus.

we are so excited for you Enniss'.

mary.

2009-11-17T21:06:00.001-08:00

right now as i type this, i am sitting in front of my fireplace welcoming the warmth and it's amazing smell. the lakers game is on in the back round and my husband, sick as a dog, is laying on the couch cheering them on in his sweats and messy hair. duke is tired from the jog i took him on this morning, and has spent most of the day sleeping on varies items: the couch, the floor, my brush, the remote. he is just the most amazing rug i have ever known.

true story.

i have been having to 'up' my role around here. with nathan being sick again and duke having two ear infections, i have found myself running around like a mad women making sure nathan took his medicine, duke got his ear drops, we have the right foods for dinner tonight, does nathan have enough food while i am at school, do i need to pack anything before i go..? the list goes on...and on...and on...and on until my brain hurts and there is honestly nothing else i can do.

i was on my way to target (hallelujah!) when i saw a women sitting at the bus stop. nothing about her looks were noteworthy, nothing about the way she carried herself screamed "amazing". she was as average as they come- except for one thing.

she was praying.

she was sitting on this bench in front of one of the busiest streets in my city, hands folded, eyes closed, muttering her holy words of thanks and forgiveness. every word she uttered made me step on my breaks a little bit more until my car window was right in front of her. her eyes shut tight with no chance of her breaking this conversation with her God. her fingers were white with bitter cold as she continued to keep those hands held tightly around themselves while having a conversation with her God. with Jesus.

it brought tears to my eyes, for so many reasons. it was beautiful, it was hopeful, it was exciting, it was humbling, it was shocking. it left me hopeful and shameful. i would never sit at a bus stop and pray, it just isnt me. i couldnt be that vulnerable in front of millions of strangers. how could i? but the question isnt how could i. the question is who am i.

who am i that i cant even entertain the idea of worshiping my God on a bus stop. it isnt as if God isnt at that bus stop already. where is my relationship with God that praying out in public is as foreign to me as graphic design or India?

after i pulled into the target parking lot i sat in my car for a while, feeling the sun on my face and wondering where i went wrong. wondering how i fell so far away from that crazy love i felt as a teenager, when it came to me.

just pray.

i could not allow myself to feel one more minute of that pity or selfishness i was feeling seconds earlier, how is that glorifying to God? how is that going to help bridge this gap?

i sat in my scion and allowed the grace and mercy of God to rush over me and take me to a better place. i sat in that car with hands folded and eyes closed tight, genuinely glad to have a moment with just me and Him. thanking Him for today and for nathan. thanking Him for my amazing friends and an undying love for Him.

i dont know how long i sat there, but by the time i was done the sun had shifted and i was sitting in the shadows of the large building. i got out of the car and laughed: i had forgotten what i needed here in the first place. i almost got back in the car amused that God had brought me to Target just to each me a lesson, then i remembered that i had a sick husband and home and needed some more Tylenol cold.

all in all, i would say it was a good day.

and to you, the beautifully plain women sitting at the bus stop, thank you. you are a blessing and i dont even know your name, but i will call you mary. for no particular reason other than i think that name might fit you.

thank you mary.

the cough that wont quit.

2009-11-05T23:19:00.000-08:00

it's funny how things change.

i have liked blogging in the past, but i am really starting to enjoy it in a different way. it soothes a part of me that i didnt even know needed soothing. i actually check my blog about 5 times a day, not even kidding, just to re-read or see if there are any comments from my lovely friends. i'm just digging it more, which is funny since i think people read it less.

it's also funny how nathan and i are changing. since my last, painfully honest post, we have been doing SO well. so well it has to be our God, in His enormous grace and forgiveness, that allowed us to be pulled out of the rut we were in.

we are laughing. we are giggling. we are reaching for hands and kisses and becoming more and more loving. more back massages. more jokes. more conversations. it is just such a bummer that the past 2 weeks took up so many opportunities to have more of these good days. and it couldnt have come too soon: nathan is sick.

he came home from work with a itchy throat and a cough that wont quit. he needed to come home, eat some lunch, and get to bed and i obliged. i have been serving him, taking care of him, massaging him, taking his temperature, and giving him his many doses of Emergency.

and honestly, i dont think i could be the wife he needs me to be if God hadn't fixed us. if He hadn't given us the amount of mercy that He did, i dont think i would be able to love nathan the way he needs to be loved.

that would have been a tragedy. a waste.

thank goodness we got out of those two weeks alive. God is so good, and we moved out of the way to see it just in time.

connect.

2009-11-04T08:44:00.000-08:00

ugh.

what a painful few weeks it has been for us. we have been fighting and arguing so often it feels like we were on some fighting schedule- have a few laughs, have a fight. think everything is ok, have a fight. it was just like clockwork and honestly, we were starting to get sick of each other and all these fights. it was wearing on us to the point where we would opt for silence than for conversation, and would feel strained once one of us decided to talk.

we were so disconnected, and we could feel it with every awkward silence, every lost stare, and every empty conversation. he wouldn't touch me. he wouldn't reach for my hand. he wouldn't call me "babe" or "love". but who wants to touch the person you feel is giving you such a hard time. always harping on you, always finding something to argue about. it was this awful cycle of a lack of connection on his part so i would shut down, feeling hurt and abandoned and become someone he didnt want to spend any time with.

these two paragraphs dont even do our past couple weeks justice, they were just awful. just so painful it brings tears to my eyes to think about the past weeks we spent hurting each other and not being able to get over this hump in our marriage. and all this was just magnified by the fact that i did so poorly in my math class, i needed to drop it and take it next semester.

my only job right now is to do school, and i couldnt even pass my math class. i came to the realization one night after nathan had gone to sleep, that i have been getting my self-worth and self-respect from school. from doing well in school and from the success that comes with having a degree. i have been struggling with this for quite some time, so getting a "f" in math shatters my world. it fills my head with doubt, worry, anxiety, and failure.

i'm just not good at school. i'm just not scholarly. it's not my gift. and to be honest, i dont know what is my gift. i have been struggling and longing for an answer to this heartbreaking feeling i have, not knowing what God will have for me. why i'm here. what am i here to do? women who long to be a mother and know that rearing children is what they were made to do, have it easy. they know. they are filled with the peace of knowing that they will produce children and be a mother for the rest of their lives. they were made to be moms, and i dont carry that desire. i carry no such love of children or longing to watch them grow.

i feel oh so broken.

and last night nathan and i were having just another hard night of not talking and awkward silences. we decided to go to bed early and just loaf around, which, of course, turned into a miscommunication which lead to a fight. we ended up talking until midnight and really hashing out our lives and what we were feeling. our conversation ended with me sobbing into my husbands chest, unable to breathe, unable to feel anything other than a deep sadness of regret for the past 2 weeks and an unwavering feeling of failure. as a wife. as a student. as a woman. as a human.

and last night while tears covered nathans chest and soaked his shirt, we finally felt connected. we were finally brought together by our feelings of hurt, disconnection, and sadness. last night we finally went to sleep holding each other and feeling close again. feeling loved again. feeling hopeful again. not to say that our lives are by any means fixed, but they are getting better. it feels good again like sunshine on your face.

i share this with you all for many reasons. sometimes, all you need to hear is someone else say "us too. we struggled with that too. i know exactly how you feel". others need to see that they aren't connected, to anyone, and that is and awful feeling. a feeling of loss and sadness, but it doesnt have to be that way. others of you love nathan and i and love our marriage and want to see us grow, and we love you. we are blessed to have you. and i share this for myself. for my own sanity and growth, to see where we have come from.

to see where were going.

vigor.

2009-10-31T23:06:00.000-07:00

i havent been sleeping well lately. i wake up multiple times throughout the night and i just cant get comfortable. i get on my side. no dice. roll over onto my back. not happening. try to curl into the fetal position just to catch some evading sleep, no such luck. it eludes me. it knows i am coming and it runs and hides, and i just cant find it.

i think this is because my mind is uncontrollable. i cant get it to shut off for 10 minutes so i can swoop in and grab that much needed sleep. but my mind is unforgiving and does not sense the urgency in my limbs that ache for sleep. my mind whirls and winds until i am laying with my eyes wide open feeling that sense of dread that i have a 'd' in my math class. and just as i wrote that last sentence, a small part of me says "who cares"? there are bigger fish to fry. there are more important things to spend my time thinking about and working towards. world hunger. world peace. sex slavery. the hungry. the cold. the lost. the childless. the widows. the orphans. the divorced. the rich. the sad. the lost. the angry. the hopeless. the broken. the beaten. the ignored. the unloved.

so many more important things to do in this world than worry about a "d". Lord, please dont let me spend one more minute worrying about my life, when i could be worrying about Yours.

when i die, on my headstone there will be my birthday, a dash, and then the day i die (June 13, 1986-). i want people to remember 'the dash'. the part in the middle that is the most important part but is the smallest. the least detail. says the least about me. but that 'dash' is all i have. it is all the time i have to save the world, and i am going to try.

i really am.

what a better way to end a great halloween. with hope. with vigor. with passion. with pumpkins.

Amazing

2009-10-24T19:23:00.000-07:00

My day can be summed up in one word:

= Amazing.

2009-10-18T21:17:00.000-07:00

the trees are beginning to change.

they are turning from their vibrant greens to deep browns as they scatter across our porch and cars. they sprinkle the lawns around me and crunch under my sandals and they make that amazing sound that words cant do justice.

and i am beginning to change too.

it's so weird, i have never enjoyed school this much. it may be because the stakes are now raised and i have given up so much for the chance, but i am really enjoying my science class. i am learning about elements and atoms and gravity and the complexities that have made my world amazing. honestly, this class makes me feel so small. so tiny.

i love feeling tiny.

also, our marriage is fun. i am enjoying the roles that we have grown into and the new things we are learning from each other. there will be so many ups and downs in any relationship, and i am so blessed that we have been on an 'up' for so long. our first six months of marriage was really hard, and since then it has been getting better and better.

i dont know if i can love him anymore, but i am always surprised when i do.

so in conclusion, the leaves are changing, i am changing, i love being tiny, and i am loving my husband more and more.

life is good.

longing.

2009-09-29T16:26:00.000-07:00

so duke has this face.

yup, this is that face. it is a face he strategically gets when nathan and i are on our way out to dinner, to work, to school, on our way anywhere and there he is with this face. i firmly belief that this is his longing face. he longs for us not to go. he longs for us to stay with him and keep him company this huge house we have. even though all he will do is sleep, he wants to know that we are there.

and when we come back.

watch out.

he is running. he is barking. he is happy and cant wait for our slow hands to unlock the door that stands between us. and when that door unlocks, he attacks us with licks and happy eyes and it is a sight. it warms my heart and it makes me love him more and more.

and the coolest thing about duke, is that he always knows when we leave. there is no fooling him, he knows that when we grab our things and head out to that dreaded door, we wont come back for a while. he has never missed us leaving.

but i have missed God leaving. i have been so preoccupied with my life that i dont even notice that God isnt in the choices i am making. it doesnt even occur to me that he might not be the one driving me to do something. it is only when i hear that door open do i look around and notice that he has been gone, and my heart drops: how long has he been gone???

but he comes back, and when He is gone, He hasnt gone far. He just isnt where i expect Him to be, but He is there. on sunday i realized that i have been without Him, and He broke down that door with children from Africa, who live in the slums, leading me in worship. He showed me how greedy and ugly my heart has become.

but He also showed me how to fix it. He always does.

since sunday i have been looking for Him, and if he leaves, or when i leave, i hope to have that look of longing. i wont have to look very far in order to know what that longing face looks like.

prone to wonder

2009-09-11T23:08:00.000-07:00

im a stay at home wife now.

kinda.

my summer job has since ended, and i am now going to school full time allowing the grace and blessing of nathans job to support us both. it was such a leap for both of us: such a painful breaking for me. i realized how dependent i was on that feeling of getting a paycheck, and i worried that not having a paycheck twice a month would allow nathan to feel that i wasnt pulling my weight. it didnt occur to me that being a good wife and a loving person was, in deed, pulling my weight.

i was petrified of what the future would hold, but this future has been turning out to be something beautiful. i am finding myself enjoying my nights off to do homework and make tasty meals for nathan and myself. i am finding myself becoming enthused and excited by the things i am learning in my classes. i am finding that i am sleeping better knowing that i am becoming more and more at peace with my life and where God is leading us.

i feel like i'm growing.

reading my last posts, i am humiliated and ashamed of the way i was treating the amazing blessings of my new "stay at home wife" status. i feel like i act like this often towards my God. i am prone to wonder.

i am prone to leave the God i love.

praise be to God that i came back sooner than later. i would have hated it if i spent one more minute engulfed in anxiety and frustration. and the same way the it came to me in waves, just these huge waves of worry and anxiety and helplessness- thats how it left. it left calmly and with mercy and i am growing more and more every day because of it.

hallelujah.

newness.

2009-09-01T08:51:00.000-07:00

i love my mom.

true story.

yesterday was a hard one. i started school full time for the first time in almost 3 years. eek.

thinking back on it, i dont know why it was so hard or why i was so shaken up by it, but for some reason i had to choke back tears about 3 times throughout the day. how silly i felt trying to find my class while i have these huge tears threatening to spill out of my eyes and onto my green shirt. the green shirt that took me 10 minutes to decide i was going to wear.

yesterday had the possibility to be great. to be a blessing. but i wouldnt let it. i let my fear and anxiety take over and ruin the newness of the day. our lives are starting a new chapter, and instead of opening that book and taking a deep breath ready to open the pages, i put it under the bed afraid to face it.

i have been so consumed by my feelings of self worth and not measuring up, that i have forgotten about how those feels affect nathan. to have his wife feel that the life he made for us isnt good enough. that the hard work he puts in and all the sacrifices he has made dont measure up.

heartbreaking.

i was on the phone with my mom when she said all that to me, and i could actually feel my heart break. i could feel this squeezing feeling that left me so sad but ready for change. as i pulled into our parking spot my day was totally changed and when i got home i was different. today is going to be a great day. today, as i start 2 new classes, i will take this day as a blessing.

i will make this day great and i will do it not only for me, not only for God. not only for my sanity and soul. but i will do it for my husband.

thank you mom for being exactly what i needed. giving me the right words at exactly the right time.

i'm scared.

2009-08-30T21:21:00.000-07:00

plain and simple.

i am terrified, but i dont know why.

i start school tomorrow. i am going back to school to finish up that few remaining classes i will need in order to transfer to a cal state. i am terrified because i have no job.

we have one income when we are so accustomed to having two. we will scrape by and be very uncomfortable for a period of about 4 months.

THEN, i will have to go back to a job i hate in order to help keep my family afloat.

i am scared to be going back to school.

scared of what that means for us.

petrified of change.

crippled by the unknown yet overwhelmingly aware that it is coming. like a speed train to my toes it will steam through me and shake both of our lives.

i am humiliated that it is taking me this long and that a friend i have grown up with since 4th grade is getting her masters.

i feel like a fool.

i feel like i have nothing left to give.

to be honest, i am sick of feeling.

but tomorrow will come whether i like it or not, and i will have to face the sunshine with either a good or a bad attitude. i will have to breath and walk and drive with the choice to be thankful or the choice to be broken.

i will choose west.

i will choose thankful.

i hope.

mirrors

2009-08-10T20:18:00.000-07:00

nathan and i write letters to each other on our bathroom mirror, so that when we are getting ready, we can see beauty.

seeing the beauty we love in each other.

nathan wrote this one for me and is has made this week a joy.

(I wish it wasnt blasphemy to say that i love you more than anything)

25

2009-07-24T20:09:00.001-07:00

a couple days ago nathan turned 25.

that may not seem like a big deal to most people, but for us, it's different.

nathan and i have dated since he was 16 and i was 14. sure, we had a few, how can i put this gently, awful relationships in between, and the joke amongst our friends is "how many times did you break up?" or if i am telling a story about us they say "now which time was this?". we havent spent ALL of those years together, but we have been in each others lives since then, in some way or another. i am so glad that i have known nathan since he was this cute teenager with blue bi-hawks and a thousand patches.

he is now a man.

a man that i have grown with, learned from, taught, worked with, served with, cried with, prayed with. we have experienced so much, it is breaks my heart to even think of what my life would be like if i married someone else.

as i write this he is doing the dishes from dinner, with huge headphones on, dancing around our kitchen acting like, well nathan.

in honor of nathans 25th birthday, i thought i would write 25 things about my man:

1. he's the most musically talented man i know, but he has no rhythm. like none at all.

2. he is covered with tattoos but i can still see all his freckles.

3. he always does the dishes after i cook.

4. he thinks i'm a good cook. (what a saint)

5. i LOVE the way he loves our dog, his heart gets bigger every day

6. he loves good steak, but mainly eats pasta or taco bell

7. he always orders the same thing at every place we go. always

8. the only exception to rule #7 is when we get donuts in the morning. the only exception.

9. he has the biggest heart i have ever known.

10. people just love him. i mean really love him; with good reason.

11. he is so respectful towards everyone

12. he giggles

13. he loves watermelon jellybeans and has me pick them out for him

14. he drinks about 3 cans of soda a day, it's actually really bad

15. he doesnt know any words to songs: just the timing and stuff like that

16. his showers are literally about 5 minutes long

17. he helps my parents with the iPod and computer needs, and is super loving about it

18. loves how excited i get, even though he doesnt get excited. unless it's about music.

19. sometimes will buy me flowers for no reason

20. likes to hold pinkies instead of hands

21. is good at everything he does. it's disgusting.

22. is a truly amazing teacher

23. hates shopping but takes FOREVER in a store

24. hates dancing- like me

25. thinks poop is funny- like me

thats my man.

he's so great.

the road less traveled

2009-07-12T10:58:00.000-07:00

i have been struggling.

it feels that every day more and more burdens are placed upon my soul until it is almost impossible to breath. impossible to think of anything other than what i dont have.

there is no college degree to my name. there is an uncomfortable amount of money in our bank account. there is this awful feeling we will be stuck in a one bedroom condo for the rest of our lives. there is this closing in on me that this world is huge and i might never see it's vastness and culture.

these are things that the world and myself are telling me that are important. these are the things that will make my life happier and more eventful. a new house will provide a place for large celebrations with friends and family- as if our home now as not been filled with love and friendship since the day we moved in. we have loved in our home, found joy in making it ours, had friends over for delicious dinners and meaningful conversations, cried in it, lost jobs in it, had the best sleep of our life in it, had conversations that brought peace and mercy to a dark situation. so why dont all of those things make this a home worth keeping? why do more bedrooms, extra closet space, and a yard add to the peace that lives in a home?

i dont know.

why does not having a degree make me feel like a failure? i have learned more from being married than i think i ever will in a forum seated classroom. i have learned more about love, respect, mercy, forgiveness, trust, grace, and humility all by saying "i do" to the man who makes me whole. i have learned to cook (sorta), to be more efficient with my time and money, how to start and watch an amazing college group grow and become a place of comfort and learning, that i am not really the innocent and selfless person i thought i was, the fullness of falling asleep in the arms that provide safety and wholeness, finding that nathan was 'going without' so that i could be content and taken care of, working as hard as i can to make sure our family can stay afloat.

these are not things that ring in my mind as failing. these are things that, to the world, appear noble at best; but are really just naive ideas of life and marriage. that these things will not get me a good job, a nice retirement fund, fancy cars, and that dream house that i have been feeling so unsatisfied without. but to God, these are gems. these are the life lessons that make us better and more fulfilled. and only in these moments of staring at these cross roads and looking hard into both directions is God there. dont get me wrong, i think He's is on whatever path i choose, but i feel he is strongest at this point.

the choosing point.

the point where you make the decision: where will my life go? He's whispering and reminding and filling your heart with joy and comfort for the path that is right for you: even if it looks less successful.

and for me, a solid marriage and a happy home is successful, and i believe that God agrees. not that having a degree and buying your dream home is failing or unGodly- not even close. maybe, for you, that is God giving you your success. blessing you in ways that you have always dreamed, and sometimes He's not. in my case, He is not.

it has been a long and trying road to get to this fork. which will i choose? agonizing over the choices that i am making now since they will have so much weight 10 years from now. 20 years from now. as i am seeing my favorite students from youth group graduate high school and move onto amazing colleges to pursue an even more amazing life, i have slowly started to see a new path unravel before me.

a path that is slowly being paved for me. i imagine one of those magical brooms from Cinderella sweeping away dirt revealing a beautiful path. it is the path that gives me a degree, because i want it for me, not for the world. it also gives God the ability to move in me in different facets. it also gives me a happy marriage, but maybe not that dream home.

it is a path that i will start today: i'm enrolling in classes for fall later this week to start on this new path.

my soul has been soothed and comforted, reminding me that this world, will one day, fall away. this world is just a peak for the future: things that matter here will determine not only where i will want to be, but if i will actually get there.

Thank you God for being on that road.

Thank you God for being that road.

Saint Monica

2009-06-27T15:21:00.001-07:00

last night as we were going to bed, i told nathan i wanted to do something fun today. something we dont usually do, something that enabled us to go outside and enjoy the sunshine, something worthy of taking up our saturday. so we woke up this morning, got ready, took the duke to kips house and headed out to our day date: santa monica.

as we drove we talked: a lot. we talked about jesus and our marriage. the things we want to see in the future with our church and in our lives- that conversation in itself was fulfilling and made our saturday glorious.

but it didnt end there.

we went to old navy for some stellar shopping- i couldnt find anything so we went upstairs to the mens section and on a table where they had the mens jeans we found them: the jeans. they were exactly what nathan has been looking for; right color, right size, right everything but no price tag. they didnt even belong on that table and we coudnt find them anywhere, but nathan tried them on and they fit like a dream. so we went to pay for them and we held out breathes as she typed in the code. our fingers shook, our hearts beat faster: how much are these magic pants?!!?!

$5.

it was amazing! it was perfect, and it was a great start to our day date. the rest of the day consisted of walking around and holding hands, it was pretty much perfect. we walked on 3rd street, walked down to the pier, ate burgers and had delicious lemonade, and did some pretty smokin' people watching.

the day was fun and now i am totally beat.

i think it's nap time now....

me and the hound

nate driving

the duke

santa monica

kid runnin'

beach.

wonderful

2009-06-20T08:45:00.000-07:00

these people...

make my life...

a wonderful place...

true story.

i may be cured

2009-06-14T21:06:00.000-07:00

first, let me start off with a humble thank you to all who were gracious and loving sending me texts, facebook comments (i think thats what their called...i'm still new) calls, gifts, showing up to one or all of my birthday occasions.

i feel beyond loved and special.

birthdays are a big deal for me. for me they are not just days that roll along with another number added to your age, it is a day of celebration. to be excited that someone i love was born on that day. to celebrate the life that has been led and the life that has yet to be discovered.

i love birthdays because they are so important. other people dont see them that way and that gets me into a little bit of trouble. i dont want to be showered with praise and worship on my birthday, but i do want to feel loved and that someone is celebrating me. that people are glad that i am alive, since i am glad so many of you are. i want to make sure that i am living in a way that people want to celebrate me. they want to be happy that i am alive and kicking.

on my 14th birthday i had a party: a bounce house and one of those 15 foot sandwiches from subway. i invited about 25 people and had on my cutest thrift store shirt and jeans and waiting to my guests to arrive: but no one came.

not one.

even now as my fingers type the story, my eyes swell with tears and i feel my stomach drop and my heart hurt. i still, after all these years, carry that hurt around with me. every birthday since i am always so weary that no one will come to my birthday, that people will find something better to do and i will become a distant memory.

i become expendable.

i know that this is something i must get over and i need to let the past be the past, but that is why birthdays are so important. the reason they mean so much to me, and as silly as it is, makes me feel like people want me around, they are glad i am around.

this birthday is so memorable because i actually felt that this time. for the first time in a very long time i felt celebrated and loved and enjoyed by all my friends and those that mean the world to me.

this was no ordinary birthday folks.

this one may have cured me.

nays and stepmom and dad sent me a flower cupcake...too cute

nay bought me a new clutch...dreamy

fancy new plugs

cheesecake factory fries

nay looks kinda like a creeper

more cupcake goodness

4 for 20 movies: heck to the yes

Come on down!!

2009-06-10T08:35:00.000-07:00

i have great friends.

friends who make waiting around all day fun. friends who dont complain that they are tired or not feeling well even when they are. friends who are just fun to be around no matter what is going on or how long we have waited.

yesterday we went to a taping of the Price is Right for my birthday. we had to get there at 12:00 p.m. and didnt even get to be on a taping until 4:00 p.m. we all waited and talked and got to know each other a little bit better.

we finally got on the show and clapped and cheered until our hands could clap no more, and even with a group of 22, none of us got picked to go on the show! can you believe that?! only at the end there was a prize given out to the audience and Justine got it. nice job jean!

here are some pictures of the day, we couldnt take cameras in there so these are just from before and after the event.

thank you all who came and made that day so great, seriously, you are all the best birthday presents ever.

without rest

2009-06-03T20:59:00.000-07:00

i have written 3 full blogs and i just couldnt bring myself to press the "publish post" button. i just have all these thoughts and worries and feelings going on inside of me, i cant put it into words. i still dont have a grasp on all that is going on to hold on long enough to try and do it justice. i guess the main feeling i have is restlessness. i just feel so restless with where my life is and i feel like my accomplishments are so few and far between.

my life just feels so blah right now, i dont feel i have anything to offer anyone. i am disappointed with myself and angry that my life looks the way it does. that was the best attempt i had and giving you all a glimpse into my brain.

i dont know much right now, but i know these pictures make me feel better.

Golly

2009-05-27T16:49:00.000-07:00

im not going to lie, i'm stalling.

our house is a total and complete mess. when we got back from alaska it was clean and neat, and now it is just...well gross.

and the worst part is that i was supposed to hang out with a friend last night but she has to cancel because she needed to stay home and clean the house: what a show off.

actually she's not which makes me dislike her even more. but back to the issue at hand, i am so determined not to clean the house, i took pictures of how dirty the house is, but wouldnt actually clean it.

isnt that just the best?!

i hope these pictures make you feel better about your house.

yes, that is an empty, open jar of peanut butter

those bottles of shampoo and conditioner, are in fact, empty

why yes, that is my bathing suit drying on the floor

like how we are using the FAN as a clothes holder???

the comet doesnt do so good just sitting on the counter...

this kitchen doesn't look grrrreeeeaaattt!

to be fair, after i took all these pictures i realized how awful our house really is, and will clean it later today.

i swear.

wake up

2009-05-22T20:30:00.000-07:00

when you go to the doctors to hear a heartbeat that doesnt exist

when you spend endless nights unable to sleep knowing your body wont take a baby

when it puts a strain on your marriage and body knowing your chances of a baby is almost impossible

when you finally come to grips with knowing you will only have one child

when you have to tell people you are no longer pregnant

when you have given up hope of giving your sweet son a sibling

when there is no hope, little faith and an emptiness that wont be filled...

a moment comes. this moment is when you find out that you are pregnant: it must feel like your dreaming, and that it cant be real.

but it is.

and you are.

we are beyond happy and proud of you guys and cant wait to meet her (or him but i think its a girl.) =)

(sigh)

2009-05-21T11:15:00.000-07:00

it's been a while.

nathan and i have been in Alaska for the past 7 days.

we hiked 4 miles to a huge glacier, went ice climbing on the glacier, and then hiked 4 miles back. we went kayaking with sea lions, eagles, and purple and orange starfish. we biked miles to a nature park and took in all the scenery of swaying trees, huge bees, and blooming flowers. we drank pure, deep blue water from a glacier. saw a moose. saw a porcupine. ate fresh alaskan fish off the market streets. got lost. saw darkness only begin to take place around midnight. took vast amount of pictures. bummed we didnt see a bear, whale, beaver, shark, or sea otter.

there are no words for the splendor or vast amounts of beauty that we saw. no way to describe the way the air tastes pure and cold and the sunshine feels warm and soothing. we saw so much beauty that it is weird being back to a place where there is no snow, no mountains, trash on the side of the road, traffic, and air that feels stale and stifling. it will be hard to transition to being back in civilization but we did miss our home, bed, friends, and of course, the duke.

also, we wanted to give a little shout out to some amazing people. truman and katie watched our house for us, which in itself is a huge blessing, but they cleaned our house SO well. dishes are clean, carpets have those awesome vacuum lines, counters are spotless, and everything is put away in its little spot.

thank you for being the kinds of people that you are. that want to leave things better than the way you found it. people who value others above themselves and with humility and grace.

thank you.

also our dear, dear friend who had a final exam the next day and picked us up at the airport at 11:30 p.m. who watched our dog and made him feel more loved and less like an orphan. who not only picked us up late, but at LAX and in traffic. who is a beast of a driver and got us in and out of there in less than 5 minutes.

thanks kip.

ok, enough jibber jabber.

i know

2009-05-09T23:08:00.000-07:00

this is me and my mom:

literally, this picture describes our relationship to a 'T'. this picture was taken on my wedding day hours before i no longer belonged to her and i was about to be belong to someone new.

someone she didnt approve of.

someone she thought wouldnt make me happy.

but he does, and she knows that now. she has seen us grow and become adults together: get our first real jobs together, get our first place together, travel together, support each other,

almost move, start a college group, go to back to school, get our first dog together: the works.

with mothers day coming tomorrow, i realized my mom has come so far as a woman and as my mom. she respects me as a woman and allows me to make my own mistakes and learn from them. she rejoices when my husband sends me flowers and she is sad when we have a miscommunications. every time, and i do mean every time, we get off the phone she says: "send my love to nathan". she has come full circle from where she used to be when it came to my relationship with nathan.

she loves him almost as much as i do, and that took a lot of effort and a lot of courage. she knew that getting married so young would be hard on us. she knew that i would drop out of college if we got married. but she didnt know we would love each other as much as we do. she didnt know that being married to nathan is what i was made to do (amongst other things).

but she does now.

she knows, and i want her to know that i know. i know she has changed. i know that she loves us. i know that she is sorry and she almost lost out on something great with us. i know that she is learning how to be a mother-in-law like i am learning to be a wife. i know that she is trying harder than she ever thought she would try.

i know mom.

i know.

Never say never

2009-05-03T21:28:00.000-07:00

ever since i was a little girl, i've always been an outdoors kind of girl. whether it is camping or being in the backyard planting flowers or just enjoying the sunshine, i have always loved being outside. the smell of fresh air, the way the wind blows your hair, the blinding sun, the swaying trees...it makes me wish that it wasnt 9:30 p.m. so i could go outside right now. i remember being a kid and feeling so sad when the sun started to set and the sweat on my skin dried and sent those cold shivers down my back.

but somewhere along the way from being a kid and turning into and adult, outside became less appealing: it offered less and less to me the older i got. being outside in the sun has become and inconvenience and i scan the area for shade. the blowing wind now irritates me as it sends my hair in all different directions sticking to my mouth and chapstick. and it isnt the whether that has changed: the sun didnt become less sunny and warm and the wind didnt become less mysterious.

i just lost it.

i forgot the feeling of being in love with nature and being outside. i feel like i have forgotten about a part of me that is still very much there, but is buried behind errands, laziness, excuses, and plans. these things are not more important or take precedence over the glory that sits outside my window, it just sits in my mind and haunts me to the point where i cant see how warm it is outside or how beautiful my neighbors flowers are.

these thoughts came to me today as i was sitting in my house, on my comfy couch, with remote in hand getting ready to watch a movie, when for some reason my eyes wandered outside and i was shocked at how blue the sky was.

i hadnt noticed all day.

i was too busy cleaning and running errands to see the magic that was sitting outside my window. and its not like it's hard to miss! it's the huge blueness above my head! when i realized how much i had been missing out on, i turned the television off and walked outside to look at the blue above me, and it was probably the best part of my day.

i believe that God has put that desire in all of us; the desire for nature and the sense of freedom that comes with it. freedom from cellphones and buildings and cars that take up too much room on our already crowded streets. freedom from our wallets and pocketbooks and plans we think take precedence over our own sense of peace and relaxation.i believe that God speaks to us in those moments, where He actually has a chance at getting our attention and gently brings us to a different place.

a holy place.

i never thought that my small condo porch would ever bring me a sense of peace or inspire a blog, but as a good friend of mine once blogged "never say never".

i've been (gulp) tagged!

2009-04-28T14:00:00.000-07:00

Rebecca got me right as i got home from work, no make up, no lunch, nothing but me and the duke watching "recess".

i dont think i am going to tag anyone, but if you feel like taking a picture of yourself and putting it on your blog, i encourage it. i guess i'm not playing the game very well...so shoot me.

on another note, i am taking duke to petsmart to get his nails clipped and his giant, monster, dumbo ears cleaned. the last time i took him there, they treated him so poorly that when i went to pick him up he was growling at the lady...and my duke doesnt growl.

this encounter was about a year ago and when i called to make the appointment, i told them the situation and they lady explained that a while ago they did have a bad batch of employees but now things are better and duke should be in much better hands...we'll see.

you better not mess with my duke or there will be hell to pay...true story. we'll see if she lives to tell her friends how cute my dog was when he came in.

seriously lucky

2009-04-25T20:58:00.000-07:00

there are people in this world that are just different. they are calmer and quieter. they are kinder and have an amazingly gentle spirit. they are diligent in choosing good and are at their best when they are serving others.

these people are a rare breed at best. but when you find these people, you are taken aback and you find yourself wanting to be like these people. mirroring their kindness and finding a better version of yourself in them.

nathans old boss is one of those people.

and today we had a party to honor all of the hard work he has done, and will continue to do. his whole family is moving overseas to answer the call that God has on their lives, which is mission work and serving those in need. i am so proud of them and the courage it takes to pack up and leave all the comforts of home to live in a foreign country, all for the glory of our God. i am proud, but i am also so deeply sad that we will no longer be able to see that family as often as we do.

to watch their kids grow and make good decisions. to have great conversations about God and all the great things going on in our lives. to support each other in huge decisions and give words of encouragement.

and honestly, we arent even that close.

isnt that silly? to miss something that is still here and something i dont even know well or understand?

i'm just going to try and get as much time with them as i can. they are wonderful.

the boys in a battle for glory

one of the cutest kids...ever

ufc was on...enough said

uncle randy attacking the kids

first hugs

randy surprising andy

another one of those people who are glorious and just make life easier is this cool cat:

her name is katie, and she pretty much rocks. we went out to dinner friday night at this awesome place in downtown santa ana and grubbed on some interesting food, and had some even better conversation.

i am seriously lucky to be surrounded by such great people.

seriously lucky.

out on a limb

2009-04-20T22:07:00.000-07:00

today didnt feel like a monday. if anything it felt like a saturday which is a wonderful, fantastic, glorious feeling- until you realize that tomorrow isnt sunday and you do in fact, have to drag yourself to work.

but it felt like saturday because i only worked a 3 hour day, due to the fact our air conditioning guy was coming today, and that was certainly not a meeting i wanted to miss. i got home and janvier came over to hang out with me and go swimming later. so we waited around in my sicky home until the fixed air conditioning filled the rooms with much needed icy air. after we ate, took some pictures of our hounds playing, and watched some harry potter, we dragged our sweaty bodies down to the pool for some sun bathing and swimming.

what a wonderful monday/saturday.

cool refreshing water ran along my hands and the back of my neck washing all of the heat away, and filled my body with a feeling fresh and calming. it was so great just to lay on top of the water and feel it carry me around, sun beating down on my now sunburn face, and drops of water finding their way into my mouth and ears.

on a monday. when i should be at work.

glorious.

needless to say, i am extremely exhausted and ready to crawl into our comfy bed for some good ol' fashion sleeping and relaxing. hmm...even as i wrote that sentence my body was very disappointed with me that i am still sitting at this computer.

i'm going to go out on a limb and say that is one of the best ideas i have ever had. good job brain.

favorites

2009-04-17T15:09:00.000-07:00

our house is a mess right now, and normally i am a good cleaner, but not today. today i want to sit on the couch and watch the vacations: European, Vegas, Christmas, ect. the dishwasher needs to be emptied, the groceries i got THREE days ago need to be put away, the floors need a good vacuuming, making beds...

ugh.

just thinking about all the work that needs to be done makes me want to throw the blankets over my head and wait for nathan to get home. unfortunately, duke is napping peacefully on that huge pile of blankets, and he is not keen to being woken up. plus he is just so damn cute i dont want to move him.

he is on of my most favorite things in the world. i dont have a lot of favorites, but he is totally one of them. also, a good friend of mine bought me an early birthday present and it quickly became another one of my favorites:

it smells like magic. (thanks Katie!)

still speaking of favorites, the other day me and two lovely ladies went to the orange circle to take some pictures. here are some of my favorite pictures from that day.

and a few of the duke. i just cant help it.

pigeons

2009-04-13T20:03:00.000-07:00

once upon a time there were three pigeons, and they were wonderful friends. they lived in a time where there was a mean cat that ruled over them and made them bring her food whenever she wanted. so one day these three pigeons got together to make a plan to destroy the evil cat. one pigeon wanted to kill her, the other pigeon wanted to sing her to sleep forever, and the other pigeon wanted to kidnap the cat. they finally decided that they were going kill the cat, so one day they found that cat and BOOM! they killed her and took over the town, and they lived happily ever after.

that was the story that my husband told me the other night when i asked him to tell me a story as we were going to bed. i wasnt totally tired yet and we were just laying there giggling and being weird, when i asked him to tell me a story. he agreed sweetly and oddly enough it put me right to sleep: after i was done laughing my head off.

i would like to hope that things like that will happen throughout our marriage, and make our relationship that much stronger. kinder. sillier. i love being silly. i love whenever i watch the lion king, i just want to prowl around the house and get nathan to growl with me. i love that we get all silly right before were about to go to bed. i love that if nathan has a guitar in his hands and just strumming, he will make up a song abou

t me:

casey your making pasta

that doesnt make me want to hasta

your cooking is the best

makes me want to wear a vest

stuff like that makes our marriage. not the arguments. not the miscommunications. not the misunderstanding and fights that happen with any relationship. i believe that we can choose what makes our relationship, and i choose silly. i also think that it will be a constant battle to choose the silly and the joyful not the struggles, because honestly, it is sometimes easier to be mad and frustrated than it is to be vulnerable and funny.

this weekend was fun, but it was also a tough one for nathan and i. it felt like we were just missing each other: every time i was being silly, nathan was irritated, and every time he wanted to be funny or joke with me, i wasnt in the mood for that. it felt like we went through this the whole weekend until sunday night around 5 when we just sat down and talked about it. we were both being stupid and needed to get over the tiny misconceptions we had going on in our heads. and after we were done, it felt like the whole weight of the weekend was lifted and we could finally breathe. on the way to our friends house we were laughing and smiling and finally enjoying the weekend.

what a waste of a weekend.

i just hope we continue to choose silly.

and pigeons.

hiking vs recording

2009-04-04T15:57:00.000-07:00

today nathan and i were supposed to go on a couples hike. if you have already cheated and seen the pictures, then you will see that they are not pictures of wildflowers and miles of green grass, they just arent.

at first i was really, really bummed. our church was putting together this awesome couples hike, and from the first minute i heard about it, i was in. beautiful scenery with cool friends and an even cooler husband: perfection.

but my husband is a man of his word. a word he spoke to a friend of ours a while ago and told him that he would record him and his band. he forgot to tell me, so last night as we were planning out our weekend together he looked at me with wide eyes:

"i have to record tomorrow. i forgot to tell you. i'm so sorry."

nathan is a man of many talents and an even bigger heart, so when friends come to him and ask him to help them record, he is all for it. he has been blessed with an amazing mind and and even greater ability to love people. but sometimes that leaves me without.

without a couples hike.

without a husband for the weekend.

without a date.

without plans.

at first i was bummed, but who can be bummed that their husband is loving and gracious? i married him because of those things: how can i now be frustrated in those things? having a husband who puts himself last and has a huge heart is a blessing, especially because i know that he wanted to go on that hike.

he wanted to be my husband for the weekend.

he wanted to be my date.

he wanted to be my plans.

i figure since he cant come to me, i'll come to him, and take pictures while he serves our friends. it is a way we can be together and i can support him in his art and figure out mine: lets hope i stick with it.

AND ONE!

2009-03-31T21:56:00.000-07:00

i dont understand what AND ONE means. i know it's a basketball term and something to do with fouls. i know that joey and nate and kip have tried to explain it to me: but i got nothing. i dont get it. but what i do get is that is sure if fun to yell it out to the boys that play basketball on tuesdays.

my husband is one of those boys, and it is just so fun to watch him be active and fun and an athlete. he has a great heart and is the first one to call himself on a foul. there is no trash talk or heated moments on the court: it's just hanging out on a tuesday with a different setting.

i go and try to support him, but damn it gets cold out there! my God my feet are so cold i could break off my toes and put them in your soda...that may be how Phoebe found a thumb in her soda...

i digress. anyway, my super awesome wonderful photographer friend christine lent us this awesome zoom lens and it was so great. i got some cool shots and thought i would share them.

anyway, hope all of your weeks are going well. this week has been an interesting one and i dont know where i will be at the end of it all. our college group is reading through the whole new testament in 5 weeks, and nathan and i are really digging it so far. granted yesterday was day one and it's 10:16 p.m. and i havent started on todays (can you say foreshadowing?) but i still like it.

there is just something sweet about re-reading all the words i base my life upon. my marriage upon. my growth upon. something very sweet indeed.